Tuesday, June 30, 2009

America's Favorite Cube!

THIS WILL BE MICHAEL BAY'S NEXT BIG MOVIE. Provided he only draws inspiration from crappy Saturday morning cartoons from the '80s.

I think my favorite part about this cartoon is this: When faced with the problem of turning the Rubik's Cube into a "leading man", the designers locked themselves in a room with the promise that they "would not come out until they had come up with a clever way to make an ordinary cube cuddly and adorable." But after five minutes of that nonsense they just decided to slap arms and legs and a face borrowed from a Troll Doll on the cube and call it a weekend. I mean, seriously, what's the fucking point, right?

{Thank you, Topless Robot.}

Monday, June 29, 2009

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Cool Bands Made Un-Cool

YESTERDAY, SOMEONE STARTED AN AWESOME THREAD on Twitter called "cool bands made un-cool." And it involved making slight changes to bands names. I have compiled my favorites below. Some are mine. Others are from David Iserson, Mark Lisanti, John Moe, Matt Fraction, Dave Holmes, Steve Agee and someone known as Seantroversy.

Not included in the list below are two bands -- Kansas and Bread -- whose names were deemed already so deeply uncool, there was nothing you could do to make them more uncool.

Here it is (in no particular order):

Emerson, Lake & Palm Pilot




The Beatless


The Less Than Average White Band

Peter’s Baby Bjorn & John

Electric Blanket Orchestra

Mike, The Mechanic

Fountains of Wayne Rogers

Fountains of Dwayne Wayne

The Stationary Wilburys

Metallic A

R.E.M. Speedwagon

Los Hobos

Some Doubt

Available Cab for Cutie

Expensive Trick

We Are Economists

Cat Lady Power

Bob Jovi

Food Fighters

Flu Fighters

Carving Pumpkins

Method Guy & Red Gentleman

Dinosaur Sr.

Ironing & Whining

Some Old Pornographers

Yeastie Boys

Harvey Cautious

Dennis Franz Ferdinand

The Whom

The When

Pear Jam

50 Scent

Walk DMC


Fire-Retardant Lips

And You Will Know Us By The "Cathy" Tacked To Our Cubicle Wall

Guided by Good Choices

The Damones

Braggy Mouse

Cannibal Copse



Mauve Floyd

Ironing Maiden


Fleetwood PC

Kings of Leon Pannetta

Yo Tengo Acne Horible

Teenage Dr. Who Fanclub

Tears for Fears of Intimacy

Jefferson Airplane Food

Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders From Morristown, NJ

The Cure for My Pollen Allergy

Big Star Wars Fans

A Suburb Just Outside of Boston

Lizzy, Who Has a Very Pretty Face and a Nice Personality

Garfunkel & Another Guy Also Named Garfunkel

Hot Robot on Robot Action!

MY FAVORITE QUOTES FROM "TRANSFORMERS 2" REVIEWS... I really feel like Michael Bay has the power to unite us as a country and focus us on one task: crafting hilarious quips about his movies. Here's the best so far.

Critics blithely refer to movies as "painful" all the time, but this is the real deal. -- Eugene Novikov, AMCtv.com

Michael Bay has once again transformed garbage into something resembling a film, at least in the loosest sense: it can be run through a projector and used to sell millions of tickets.
--Jeffrey M. Anderson, Combustible Celluloid

So what if he can’t put a coherent series of shots together? Bay’s going for pure sensation, and everyone knows dramatic continuity is for women and the weak. --Ty Burr, Boston Globe

...like listening to rocks in a clothes dryer for 2½ hours. --Michael Phillips, Chicago Tribune

Instead of seeing Transformers, I'm going to pay two tall hobos in toy robot helmets to swing sacks of discarded electronics at each other. --Mark Lisanti, from Twitter

Monday, June 22, 2009

Engelish Onely

OF COURSE, THE OBVIOUS PROBLEM with the "English-only" movement is that most of them can hardly speak the one language they think everyone should speak. And there's no better proof of it than this photo.

Yep, that's Pat Buchanan and some douchey guy who runs a racist website, standing in front of a banner for the new "National Conferenece". Which I suppose is pronounced con-fer-EN-ess-ee. Although there are probably variants.

I Don't Know What This Is

PLEASE LEAVE YOUR EXPLANATIONS in the comments section.

Don't blame me. Blame David.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Putting the P Into Merchandising

NOT THAT I HAVE HIGH EXPECTATIONS when it comes to Kiss bassist Gene Simmons. This is a guy who is so shameless in his self-promotion that he sells Kiss coffins -- under the name Kiss Kasket, naturally. Also, Kiss Kondoms, Kiss Kamping gear and a Kiss Checkers set.

But as part of the promotion for the A&E series Gene Simmons' Family Jewels, there are urinal cakes out there with Gene's face on them. And they talk when they're hit with a stream of urine. I'm assuming they say something like, "Please stop peeing on my face. It's degrading. Please. I beg of you!"

The cakes are such a hit with fans that many are being stolen from urinals.

Adding a punch line here would seem redundant, right?

Monday, June 15, 2009

Re: Believing, and When to Stop


Rather, the kids of PS22 will do it. With a little help from Journey.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

We Destroy What We Love

WHAT GOD WOULD LET THIS HAPPEN? The question isn't "Why are innocent MILFs being pounded?" The question is "Why are the MILFs being pounded with rockets?"

I'm also assuming that by "MILF lairs" they mean "Olive Gardens and Outback Steakhouses."

(via HuffPo)

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

The O.C.'s Finest

WHO ARE THE TWO FUNNIEST PEOPLE in all of Orange County? Sky & Nancy Collins, of course.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Sex Bomb

A TRUE STORY! Police in Syracuse, New York, cleared the Clinton Square area of downtown Syracuse today after discovering a suspicious box left at the base of the park's Civil War monument. Witnesses saw two men leave the box at the monument and walk away. Bomb disposal experts examined it and found it to be harmless, as it turned out to be a metal "Sex and the City" trivia game, very much like this one.

Here are my jokes.

...AFTER FINDING OUT it was just a Sex and the City trivia game, the bomb squad detonated it anyway.
...SAID A SPOKESMAN for the Syracuse police department, "Leaving that game on the monument steps was soooo Samantha!"
...POLICE JUSTIFIED their extreme caution, saying, "When you hear that two men were seen playing a Sex & the City trivia game, it's natural to think that something suspicious is going on."
...IT WAS THE BIGGEST threat to downtown Syracuse since the Hungry Hungry Hippo scare of '72.

What Love Is...

LAST NIGHT ON THE BACHELOR, one of the guys said to the camera, in explanation of where his head was at romance-wise, "Yeah, I am looking for that mythical unicorn."

And, later, the Bachelorette said, rather wistfully as she was totally not into that guy, "I wish I could be that unicorn he is looking for."

So, apparently, this is what love looks like:

In which case, no thank you. I do not want this "love" you speak of.