Friday, April 30, 2010

Clear Eyes, Steelheart, Can't Lose!

DO YOU LOVE COFFEE, but feel like there's no coffee brand out there that really caters to you, to who you really are, I mean who you are in your heart of hearts? And is that secret self a water delivery guy by day but a slightly below average vocalist in a local blues-rock band that plays mostly cover tunes but is working pretty hard on a CD of original tunes by night? It is? Well, my friend, it's time I introduce you to Steelheart Coffee!

This little gem of a REAL PRODUCT punched me in the eyes at the grocery store this morning. I was hardly awake and had gone to the store specifically for coffee. And seeing this package, next to the three other equally mind-bending "flavors" from Steelheart, gave me the distinct feeling that I was still sleeping.

This package design is a trainwreck on so many levels it's hard to know where to start. Obviously I started with the "lead singer," but I could have just as easily started with the "Good 2B Alive." Firstly, why is it in quotes? Is this something someone famous said? And when they said it, did they specify that it was "2B" and not "to be," or "too bee" even? And why the change of color for the word "alive" and the end quote?

Oh my god!

The more I look at this package, the more I feel like I'm being transported back to 1988, but only the horrible parts of the decade. The "cool" font alone is nausea-inducing, and thank you, makers of Steelheart Coffee, for putting the copy in all-caps. That way I know that every word on the package is equally important. Also, it definitely makes it easier to read.

On the positive side, take another look at the "lead singer" guy! That fucker is good 2B alive, for sure! He's striding out of an Ed Hardy Jr. hellscape and into the day. Because of the microphone in his hand, I believe we are to assume he is on a stage. But I prefer to think of him as just striding down the street, pretending he's being filmed for a music video. The sun is shining and he's never felt more sure of himself.

How can he have such confidence? Is it his paler than pale torn jeans, his black tank top, his goatee? No. It's none of those things. It's his coffee.

Fuck yeah it is!

Thursday, April 29, 2010

No Exercise or Fish Oils!

PROOF THAT THE WORLD HASN'T CHANGED AT ALL in the last thirty years. Ladies are still trying to find ways to gain "welcome weight and keep it on."

You should listen to "actress" Linda Peck. She knows all about being popular. Personally, I think her best role was as "Giant Model" in Land of the Giants. Although a good case could be made for her uncredited turn as "Telethon Telephone Girl" in Valley of the Dolls.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Definite Article Problems

THE L.A. TIMES WANTS TO KNOW SOMETHING. And it's probably been on everyone's minds.

So, what do you think? Do you agree that Kobe is like a arrogant movie star? Or is he more like a ordinary basketball player? It's an question that really needs to be answered.

Monday, April 26, 2010

The Healing Powers of Hog Feces

THIS IS THE KIND OF PERSON I AM. When I see the headline "Police find suspect neck-deep in liquid manure pit," I read the story.

The pit was filled with a combination of hog and dog feces, and the suspect had been there for at least an hour. Now, I'm sure this guy thought, "the cops will never look for me here." I'm sure he thought he was being an amazing criminal mastermind. Which only makes him more fantastic in my mind.

But what you really have to admire about this guy, other than his crippling meth addiction naturally, is his tenacity. After the cops found him in the feces pit [new band name alert!], he still became combative with them and had to be shocked twice with a stun gun. Twice.

So after an hour soaking in a pool of hog and dog feces, this guy's will was so indomitable he still fought back. That hour in the poo didn't dampen his spirit at all.

I have to think that there's a Trading Places type of movie that starts with this guy's story, then a modern day Don Ameche and Ralph Bellamy give each other a knowing look. And one of them says, "That's exactly the type of spirit we're missing at the executive level!" They clean up the meth addict and teach him how to manage the company, in a montage set to Fountains of Wayne's "Bright Future in Sales." For some reason Hector Elizondo is there tutoring him.

Our hero succeeds. (Of course!) But there's something missing, an emptiness he feels. And despite the fancy clothes, expensive cars and scads of money, he still spends nights in his penthouse apartment staring out the window and sighing deeply.

"What is it, baby?" asks one of his many prostitutes.

"Nothing," he says, forcing a smile. "Nothing at all. Now remind me, how much for a rusty trombone?"

"Usually $200," she smiles. "But you seem so sad tonight, how about this one's on me?"

He touches her face. "Thank you."

Then, the night of the big board meeting, the guy bolts from the room, in the middle of his presentation. He rushes out of the room, down the elevator and to his waiting limo.

"Take me to this address!" he shouts as he gives his driver a slip of paper.

"Yessir! Immediately, sir!" comes the reply.

Back in the boardroom it is chaos. The oldest, stodgiest board member harangues Don Ameche and Ralph Bellamy. "What have you gotten us into? We trusted this crazy experiment of yours! If he isn't back here in thirty minutes, I will have no recourse but to remove you both from the board of directors!"

"But our father started this company!" Don Ameche says.

Now it's a car chase! Don Ameche and Ralph Bellamy's limo chasing our hero's limo! But where are they going? Out of the city? What could possibly be way out here in the country?

"Oh no," Ralph Bellamy says. "He couldn't. He wouldn't."

But he is. Our hero's limo stops at a hog farm and he gets out, breathes deeply and smiles, for the first time in a long time.

The limo driver flinches a little at the smell, then asks, "Do you want me wait for you, sir?"

"No, you're free to go, Jenkin-Jeeves. Thank you for being such a good friend."

Our hero then walks, head held high, toward the feces pit. He strips off his tailored suit as he walks. He's smiling. A tear of joy in the corner of one eye.

Don Ameche and Ralph Bellamy's limo pulls up and they both get out and cover their noses and mouths with fancy silk handkerchiefs. "Why didn't you stop him?" they ask the limo driver.

"I don't know," Jenkin-Jeeves says. "He just looked so happy.

David Bowie's "Heroes" plays on the soundtrack as our hero, now stripped naked, marches into the feces pit. He stops once he's buried up to his neck. The camera pushes in on his face.

We know he's finally home.

The End.

Then, of course, the hilarious and obligatory outtakes as the credits run.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Exactly What The Beatles Had in Mind

DON'T FORGET: you're an idiot who doesn't understand how to do simple tasks around the house without endangering yourself or others.

{from Dave}

Thursday, April 22, 2010

File Under: Godzilla's Next Opponent

I'LL SEE YOUR SNUGGIE, and I'll raise you a nightmare.

This is a product that takes the Snuggie/Slanket selling point of "keeping your hands free" and totally says fuck you to that in favor of letting you shamble around like the orange monster from the Bugs Bunny cartoons.

"Sure, having your arms free is nice...I guess. But look at how comfortable I am lying here on my back and crossing my legs! Take that, Snuggie!"

Of course, what we really need is the video of the guy on the floor trying to get up from his prone position without using his arms. Or even better, the video of the walking/shambling guy tripping and trying to keep himself from landing right on his kisser.

One positive thing about this product is how it serves a demographic totally ignored by both Snuggie and Slanket -- perverts who keep people confined in their basements.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Look How Photogenic You Are!

I SAW A PICTURE OF YOU in the paper the other day. So I clipped it out.

I have to say. You look pretty good, all things considered.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Where Motorcycles Come From

MOTORCYCLES AREN'T MADE...they're summoned!

And if you shave your mustache, your motorcycle turns back into a Segway.