Thursday, March 26, 2009

Our Animal Friends!


First they marry all of our Heidi Klums, then they learn the traditional Japanese style of soaking in a hot spring. Way to go, seals.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Blame the Germans...Again

I'M SORRY, EVERYONE. BUT ALSO, YOU'RE WELCOME. Here's a fantastic music video (courtesy of my pal David) from an artist that Wikipedia says this about: "He was voted by the viewers of the German Tabloid TV channel Pro7 as the most annoying personality of 2003 and the second most annoying person in 2004."

Just so you know what you're in for.

Who knew that Austin Powers was still relevant?

Apparently, only the Germans.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Tournament Agenda

AFTER WATCHING FOUR DAYS OF NCAA BASKETBALL, I'm wondering if the announcers maybe have some ulterior agenda. The color commentary this year seems a little more off-color than usual. Here are just four examples:
  • I know how much you love a big man with good hands.
  • He will get up in you.
  • He does fill it up though.
  • Banged by Fields from the rear.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

How To Kill Someone

IT'S A VERY SIMPLE PROCESS. All you need is a jeep, an abandoned road, a blow-up doll,a red pickup truck, a machine gun, a skateboard and a bazooka. Oh wait, you also need "some heavy doobies."

Monday, March 16, 2009

Maybe You Want to Rephrase That?

SO, PORN STAR JENNA JAMESON GAVE BIRTH TO TWINS. And that is great news. Seriously.

But here's the thing: If you're a former porn star, you may want to watch what you say regarding the life-changing birth of your children. For instance, you might want to NOT say this:

"I can’t even express the extreme serenity that came over me once I saw my children inside me."

You may want to rephrase that a little.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Weiner News


After all, America is just now getting used to its first black president. Maybe it is too soon for us to think about electing a hot dog as mayor.

I mean, I'm ready for it. But I'm not sure the rest of America is.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Something Could Save Your Life

IT'S A VERY CONFUSING WEEK at the newsstand. I feel like there's something I should know, but the major news outlets cannot decide what that thing is.

Well, at least they've got it narrowed down. It's like the finale of The Bachelor! Stem cell research and stress are the two sexy ladies the lucky bachelor (America) might end up with...but who will we choose!

Psych! We'll choose one then dump it, then choose the other! But in the long run, we'll end up with neither. Neither stem cell research nor stress will save our lives. Wow, we're such suckers.