Friday, November 30, 2007

We Need To Talk

IT'S REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE TO HAVE THIS TALK, but I feel like we need to. Just you and me. I think you should break up with your abusive boyfriend. I'm talking to you, America, because I'm really really concerned. I just don't think it's healthy anymore, this relationship. And, frankly, I think your boyfriend, China, is trying to kill you.

First he tried to poison your pets with melamine-laced food. Then he put poison in your toothpaste. And then he put lead paint all over the toys you buy for your kids.

Those three things in themselves seem sorta crazy, don't you think?

I know, I know, you still think he's great, and he's got such great potential, and I probably just don't "get him" like you do. I know that's how you feel. I totally understand. And no, I'm not jealous. I don't wish I was in a relationship with China. I really don't. I'm just trying to talk to you as a friend.

Because now China's coming for your kids again, wanting to smother them with adorable toy shelves. And if that doesn't work -- and I know this will sound totally crazy, but I'm really not making it up -- China wants to date rape your kids.

Yes, I realize this sounds crazy. But I am not making it up.

Ok, ok, fine. Don't believe me. And just keep believing that China is still good for you and believing how great this relationship could be. But don't say I didn't warn you.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Mmmm, Coffee

Taco salad
Newborn baby

Monday, November 26, 2007

Dick Problems

BIG NEWS FROM WASHINGTON TODAY, Vice-President Dick Cheney was taken to the hospital for an irregular heartbeat. Which is a little confusing, isn't it? I thought you needed a heart for that.

Oh no I didn't!

Oh yes I did.

I just snapped the VP.

Take that, O Dark One!

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Spam-A-Lot, Week 3

EXCITING MOVEMENT ON THE SPAM CHART this week. Not in the top four, which stayed exactly the same, but elsewhere on the chart. Ten categories disappeared off the chart altogether, leaving only a dozen categories of spam in my inbox this week. The number of emails dropped back down to 325 this week, but the BMS skyrocketed to 60%, leaving little room on the charts for anything else really. In fact, MegaDick emails alone outnumbered the total emails for OEM Software and Canadian/Online Pharmacy, #2 and #3 on the chart, respectively. And perennial #5 on the chart Weight Loss lost weight at an alarming rate, losing 90% of its chart power by dropping to a unhealthily skinny two emails (both for Anatrim) and ending up at the #10 spot.

Most notably absent in Week 3 were Human Growth Hormone and Personal Pussy, both recent Top Ten Spams. Also surprisingly missing, Bigger/Better Boobs. I guess I just don't believe that America is finally happy with the size and quality of its boobs. View Your Kitty Kard went unrepresented, which was fine by me, because I never knew what the fuck that meant anyway.

There were two new arrivals this week. The Inspecific "Look At This" emails debuted at #7, which simply said something like "You won't believe THIS" and included a link to click on. Also, Legal Pot debuted in the #12 spot with two emails encouraging me to try "Buddha Bud".

It was hard to choose a favorite phrase from this weeks emails, since there were three awesome candidates to choose from. While I really liked the broken English of “increase easily your power in the eyewink!”; “fungo bat in your pants” and “vagina destroyer” also won my heart through repetition, arriving in five (fungo) and three (destroyer) separate emails.

Love your chart now!

325 emails
BMS=60% (up 21%)

((1/1)) -- 194 Boner Medication (72 MegaDick, 61 Viagra/Cialis)
((2/2)) -- 35 OEM Software
((3/3)) -- 34 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((4/4)) -- 32 Foreign Gibberish (3 German)
((5/11)) -- 7 Rolex/Luxury Watches
((6/9)) -- 6 Validate Your Identity (confirm w/eBay, PayPal, etc.)
((7/--)) -- 5 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((8/17)) -- 4 Earn Your Degree
((9/17)) -- 3 Stock News
((10/5)) -- 2 Weight Loss (both Anatrim)
((10/16)) -- 2 Employee Search
((10/--)) -- 2 Legal Pot (Big Buddha Bud)

BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Brain No Worky

IT SERVES ME RIGHT for making fun of the thing my wife said a couple of days ago. It only makes sense that I too would fall prey to the same "bran flavor".

Just yesterday, I found myself hungry almost all day and when I tried to tell my wife that I was like a bottomless pit, instead I said: "I'm like an endless hole."

Which doesn't communicate the same thing really. In fact, it's a little upsetting.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Everything I Know, I Learned From The Simpsons

IT MIGHT BE TIME to officially declare Heather Mills "bat-shit crazy." Up to this point, I've just thought she was kind of a mean lady and left it at that. And like most people, I watched her on "Dancing With The Stars" sorta, kinda hoping to see her high-kick her prosthesis into the crowd. Sure, who didn't? And of late she's said some weird-ass shit regarding her split from The Cute Beatle. But this really takes the cake.

Are you ready? I'm not sure you are, but here goes.

In order to combat global warming, Heather Mills, a vegan, wants people to drink rats' milk or dogs' milk.


I mean, what the?

I mean, wait a second, this is straight out of a Simpsons episode. The one where Homer becomes a bodyguard for Mayor Quimby and finds out that Quimby is allowing Fat Tony to supply the schools with rats' milk, instead of milk from cows. It also features a hilarious turn by Mark Hamill playing a sad version of himself singing "Luke Be a Jedi Tonight" (to the tune of "Luck Be a Lady Tonight"), but I digress.

Here's the logic from the crazy lady herself: "Eighty per cent of global warming comes from livestock and deforestation. I'm not telling people to go vegan overnight. But if they stop drinking their cows' milk lattes, maybe this sort of thing won't have to happen."

Okay. I can be on board with this so far. At least theoretically. But there's more!

"There are many other kinds of milk available. Why don't we try drinking rats' milk and dogs' milk?"

Hmmm. Why don't we try drinking rats' milk? Wow. First of all, I think it is fan-fucking-tastic that someone actually said this and meant it. But let's just address some of the really crazy aspects of all this.

ONE: This is being said by a VEGAN. Normally, vegans aim to move people away from using any animal products at all. Instead, this one is suggesting we shift from cows to rats...and dogs. It's a little bit like a vegan saying, "Don't eat a hamburger! Eat a kitten instead!"

TWO: Global warming comes from livestock and deforestation. So, let's turn rats into livestock so that we can harvest and process their milk and save the planet? I mean, her idea might work...if there were giant pools of naturally occurring rats' milk and dogs' milk just lying about. (And who hasn't had that magnificent dream?)

THREE: Why am I even breaking this down? Holy shit! Rats' milk? Are you fucking crazy, lady? Wait! I know the answer to that. Yes! You are!

Monday, November 19, 2007

Regarding the Size of the Potatoes

MY WIFE IS ON THE PHONE, and I just overheard something she said. Normally, I wait until nighttime, when I review the surveillance tapes and pore over the transcripts made by my midget assistant who lives under the floorboards. But this time I was actually doing some real-time eavesdropping. And I heard her try to say, "I know it's small potatoes."

But what she actually said was, "I know it's no great potatoes."

Which is now my favorite phrase. It has replaced "Hey! Bingbong! You got your emails!"

At least for the time being.

Hooray for the Bible!

WHILE DRIVING YESTERDAY, I saw a bumper sticker on this beat up pickup truck that read: Don't Let My Car Fool You, My Real Treasure Is In Heaven.

So, like anyone else, when I got home, I Google'd the phrase (in case I wanted to buy, let's say 24 of them to send as holiday gifts) and one of the top hits on Google was this guy's blog. Specifically, an entry titled "Bumper Sticker Theology or BST for Short," where he listed his favorite religious bumper stickers. About a third of the way down the list was this little gem. Let's see if you can guess which phrase I'm talking about.

Do you have a guess? I'll give you a clue. It's the one that's not really about God at all. It's the one about feminism. I know, awesome, right?

I immediately told my wife about it, and she, naturally, fell in love with the man behind the blog. It's no surprise, he's got it all: he's married, he's religious and he's Canadian!

I may as well pack my bags.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

1-2-3-4, I Declare a Donut War!

AS MEMBERS OF THE WGA, the wife and I have been walking the picket lines since we got back from our New York vacation on November 6th. We normally picket in the mornings, since it’s been in the upper 80s in Los Angeles lately (just like mid-November oughta be!) and a couple of days ago we decided to bring some delicious donuts to our fellow strikers. Inadvertently, while choosing our two dozen donuts, I started a Donut War.

The wife and I were taking turns choosing donuts, and during one turn, she chose cake donuts with white icing sprinkled with coconut. In my estimation, a very unpopular donut choice. And I said as much, admittedly with a total lack of tact. I said, “No one’s going to eat those.”

Once on the picket line, I was called to task regarding my poo-pooing of the coconut donut, and also for the jerky way I poo-pooed.

“Well, come on, honey,” I said. “Let’s face it, coconut is not a popular donut flavor.”

“I like coconut donuts,” she replied, pointing out that one of my choices, the chocolate iced donut with chopped peanut sprinkles (third from the bottom in the accompanying photo), was an equally terrible donut.

“You’re crazy,” I said, again with an awesome amount of tact. “That’s a way better donut choice than a coconut donut. I guarantee you that at the end of the day there will be two donuts left: the two coconut donuts.”

And thus the war was on. It also prompted a $20 bet, with my wife insisting that no one would so much as sample the peanut-covered donuts. “Who wants a crunchy donut?” Whereas I was certain that the coconut donuts would be the fat kid in gym class, last in the box, totally neglected.

We marched and marched for a time, making small talk about other things, both of us stealing surreptitious glances into the donut box with each pass. Then my wife said, “You can’t just eat part of the peanut donut in order to win, you know.”

“Honestly, until you mentioned it, I hadn’t even considered that as an option.”

“Well, don’t do it,” she said.

Around and around we walked, watching the donuts in the box dwindle with each pass, until there were only four donuts were left: two coconut and two peanut-sprinkled.

Obviously, my penchant for the peanut-sprinkled donut was not shared by the masses, a surprise to me. And I said as much.

“It’s a terrible choice,” my wife replied.

“But I still insist that coconut is an even worse choice.”

“We’ll see.”

It is significant issues like this one that divide us. Only the most vital of international and social and moral topics demand this sort of tenacious loyalty, this level of passion. The mistreatment of political prisoners in our jails. The civil unrest in Pakistan. And whose donut choice will be least popular. These are the dynamic topics of discussion in our household.

A few minutes later, I heard my wife gasp, “Oh my god!” She was looking in the donut box. Someone in the picket line had taken half of the peanut-sprinkled donut. Conceding defeat, my wife tore off a bite of one of the coconut donuts. So, I was vindicated, if only barely. By the time we left, there was one coconut and three-quarters of a peanut-sprinkled donut left.

Two lessons were learned on this day. One: Peanut-sprinkled donuts are only barely more popular than coconut donuts. (Who knew?) And two: Nobody really wins a donut war. One can only hope to survive it and find a way to go on living.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Spam-A-Lot, Week 2

WEEK TWO OF SPAMWATCH '07 saw an increase in emails (from 321 to 404) but a decrease in the percentage of Boner Medication emails. The Top Five categories stayed the same, although Foreign Gibberish dropped from the #2 spot to #4. New to the Chart this week is Improve Your Health (which debuts at the #6 spot), Employee Search and Tax Refund from the IRS. And Poor Credit?, which barely made it onto the Chart last week with a single email, dropped off the radar altogether. The most entertaining subject line of the week: “such a bulky fuckstick Briana”.

Please enjoy your chart.

404 emails
BMS=39% (down 6% from last week)

((1/1)) -- 159 Boner Medication (56 MegaDick, 43 Viagra/Cialis)
((2/3)) -- 57 OEM Software
((3/4)) -- 48 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((4/2)) -- 47 Foreign Gibberish (6 German)
((5/5)) -- 21 Weight Loss (7 Anatrim)
((6/--)) -- 8 Improve Your Health
((6/12)) -- 8 Stop Smoking
((6/10)) -- 8 Human Growth Hormone
((9/8)) -- 7 Personal Pussy
((9/6)) -- 7 Validate Your Identity

((11/7)) -- 6 Rolex/Luxury Watches
((12/9)) -- 5 Bigger/Better Boobs
((12/12)) -- 5 Online Casino
((14/12)) -- 4 Pheromones
((14/12)) -- 4 View Your Kitty Card
((16/--)) -- 3 Employee Search
((17/10)) -- 2 General Porn
((17/12)) -- 2 Earn Your Degree
((17/12)) -- 2 Stock News
((20/--)) -- 1 Tax Refund from IRS

BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Monday, November 5, 2007


I WILL FREELY ADMIT THAT I HAVE A PROBLEM with spam emails. Both that I receive a shitload of it (more than 300 a week), and also that I am fascinated by it. My wife is convinced that my infatuation with spam is not only boring but possibly stupid.

I find it hard to dispute this position.

That being said, I started keeping track of the kinds of spam I receive on a week-to-week basis. Yes, I know, it's a little like touching the doorknob 17 times before leaving the house, but everybody's got their something, right?

I started this (let's call it an) experiment three weeks ago, and I would like to share the results with you. Yes, I'm talking to you Nick and Jon & Jon & Steve. And maybe also to Corn Mo. (After you guys, I don't know who else might be reading what I write.) My favorites are, of course, the boner medication spam emails, which make up nearly 50% of every week's influx. MegaDick (also spelled MegaDik) is the most popular, but WonderCum, Xtra-Size, ManSter and the Penis Patch are quite popular too. I also received one this week with the subject line "be a success in the pants." Words to live by.

Here's the Billboard Chart of Spam for...
321 emails
Boner Medication Saturation (BMS)=45%

144 Boner Medication (73 MegaDick, 38 Viagra/Cialis)
42 Foreign Gibberish (6 German)
34 OEM Software Offers
31 Canadian/Online Pharmacy (non boner-specific)
17 Weight Loss (including Anatrim & Hoodia)
16 Validate Your Identity
15 Rolex/Luxury Watches
5 Personal Pussy
4 Bigger/Better Boobs
3 Human Growth Hormone
3 General Porn
2 View Your Kitty Card (including Psycho Kitty)
2 Stop Smoking
2 Earn Your Degree
2 Online Casino
2 Stock News
2 Pheromones
1 Poor Credit?

Stay tuned for weekly reports...until I get tired of it.