Monday, June 30, 2008

Point View Hooey

HERE'S A LITTLE BEHIND THE SCENES video I put together of a sitcom pilot called Point View Terrace the wife and I shot a few months back.

More videos and info about the pilot can be found here.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Box Office Doodle

LAST WEEK, I TOTALLY FLINCHED. I chickened out. From the first ads for The Love Guru, I thought "who will see this movie?" But when it came time to make my prediction, I hedged. I thought maybe...maybe it might do okay. But it did not. Wow, did it ever tank.

Here's the scoop from last week.
The Love Guru
My prediction: $27 million
Actual opening weekend: $13.9 million
Accuracy: 51.4%

Get Smart
My prediction: $35 million
Actual opening weekend: $38.6 million
Accuracy: 90%

This week, it's all about the W's: WALL-E, Wanted and The Wife. Let's start with the gimme.

It's Pixar. It's rated G. It looks awesome and adorable and cute and clever and a tiny bit heartbreaking. Of course, it will take the top spot at the box office. The only question is by how much. I think the G rating will guarantee an easy top spot for WALL-E. Not only can everyone get in to see it, but it appears to appeal to every segment of the marketplace: it's animated (for the kids), it's a romantic comedy (for the ladies), it's science fiction (for the boys), it's rated G (for the little kids), but it's from Pixar (comedy for adults too!).

Opening weekend: $77 million
Total take: $290 million

Here's the latest source of disagreement between me and my lady. From the first hints of this movie, I thought it looked stupid. You can curve bullets? Really? Oh please. Also, have you seen the posters? What art school drop out made those posters. Angelina's head is 19 times larger than her body. And her gun is out of bullets but she still has the hammer pulled back. Now, that just makes no sense at all. Meanwhile, the guy from Atonement has two guns pointed in that totally cool (for the '90s) criss-cross arm style. Okay. That said, the reviews have been shockingly positive for this movie. Which has made my wife get all on her crazy movie predicting pedestal (not at all different from mine...hers is pink, mine is blue, naturally) and make the prediction that Wanted will out-gross Hancock. Which is just crazy talk. Hancock is a Will Smith 4th of July joint...about which I will not talk until next week. Now, Wanted may end up being a non-sucky movie (although I still have my doubts), but it won't beat Hancock and it surely won't beat WALL-E. Not with an R rating. Nope. I just don't believe it.

Opening weekend: $39 million
Total take: $119 million

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Marketing Advice

I LOVE ADVERTISING AS MUCH AS THE NEXT GUY. In fact, I do a lot of work in advertising, so, perhaps for the first time on this blog, I feel like I'm actually qualified to talk about the thing I'm about to talk about, which is this pairing of an embedded video and a Google Ad I came across on the Videogum website.

Look. Far be it from me to try to keep someone else from making a living. But I have to say, I'm not sure it's a good marketing ploy to try to win over the cannibal market, even though I know that the latest Zogby poll showed that appearance of their teeth among cannibals' top three concerns, falling just below the health of their teeth (#2) and the tenderness/deliciousness of their friends (#1).

But when you get right down to it, cannibals just don't represent that large a percentage of the population, maybe only one in three or one in four people considers themselves a cannibal. And most of those people, when polled, responded to the question "Do you consider yourself a cannibal?" with the answer "occasionally/socially" or "only when provoked."

I know this all probably makes me sound like a cannibalist, but I honestly feel like could be spending its marketing dollar more efficiently.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Spam Thirty-One: The Baskin-Robbins of Boners

BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE! Or in this case, boom goes the spam explosion, with over 1,500 emails this week, breaking the old record by almost 200 emails. A 39.5% rise in traffic, a 56.5% rise in Boners alone! I guess this really does prove that "man’s tru beauty is in his pants."

The 612 Boner Med spam emails must be good news for the "manhood of the USA." Because according to the spam-o-sphere, "Nowadays more than 50% of the manhood of the USA suffer from a bad erection." Which makes it sound like too many men have a poorly behaved erection, one that sasses back, or refuses to do its homework. What a bad erection! That boner needs some discipline!

Oh, one last bit of advice from this week's spam, which reminds us all that you can "Bomb her womb from your huge cannon!" Man, if that's not a sexy image, I don't know what is. Womb. Cannon. Yep, that's sexy talk in my book.

Gentlemen! You can’t fight in here! It’s the Chart Room!

1,543 emails
BMS = 39% (up 4%)

((1/1)) -- 612 Boner Medication (115 VPXL, 96 PowerEnlarge, 84 Viagra/Cialis, 25 WonderCum, 20 LNH Maxdik, 9 Megadik)
((2/2)) -- 279 Luxury Replica Watches/Purses
((3/2)) -- 273 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((4/4)) -- 70 OEM Software
((5/6)) -- 64 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((6/5)) -- 29 Buy Designer Footwear
((6/9)) -- 29 Weight Loss (Anatrim/Phentermine/Hoodia)
((8/10)) -- 26 Earn Your Degree
((9/6)) -- 24 Online Casino
((9/13)) -- 24 Stop Smoking
((11/14)) -- 21 Pheromones
((12/12)) -- 20 Human Growth Hormone
((13/11)) -- 16 Improve Your Health
((13/16)) -- 16 Validate Your Identity (5 PayPal, 5 Colonial Bank, 5
((15/8)) -- 13 Free Dowloadable Porn DVDs
((16/--)) -- 10 News of Earthquake in China (Plus Suspicious Link)
((17/16)) -- 5 Online Dating Site
((18/18)) -- 3 Foreign Gibberish
((18/21)) -- 3 Job Offer/Employee Search
((20/19)) -- 2 Stock News
((20/--)) -- 2 You Have Received a Virtual Card From a Friend!
((22/--)) -- 1 Easy Government Grants
((22/--)) -- 1 Get a Free $500 Gas Card

BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Monday, June 23, 2008

Where The Sun Refuses To Shine

HOW DO YOU SHOW YOUR CIVIC PRIDE? Do you wear a hat emblazoned with your town's best professional sports team? Do you run for public office so you can affect the future of your town? Or do you do what the people of Zheleznovodsk do?

That is, do you pay a bunch of money to put a big enema statue where everyone can see it? Yes, I said enema. The town is known for enemas. They love enemas there. As the director of the Mashuk-Akva Term spa told the AP, "An enema is almost the symbol of our region." I like how he says "almost." I like to think there's some sadness in his "almost," as if the director is a little bummed that the enema doesn't win Regional Symbol status hands-down. That he's still chapped that the Lesser Spotted Woodpecker gets more press than the enema he so loves. "Well, not after today, you stupid bird! Not after we drop our giant, bronze enema bomb!"

Certainly not.

So, with a great amount of civic pride, the people of Zheleznovodsk unveiled their new statue, placing it in front of the Mashuk-Akva Term spa, right under a big banner that read (and I wish I was kidding here), "Let's beat constipation and sloppiness with enemas!" It may not be as inspiring as "Mission Accomplished!" but it'll do in a pinch. Er...I'll do just fine.

What looks like a big bronze cherry carried on the back of children is actually a big bronze enema syringe. The bronze bulb weighs 800 pounds and is carried not by bronze children, but by three bronze angels. Because enemas are the work of angels...tiny, child-like, helpful angels.

"There is no kitsch or obscenity, it is a successful work of art," the spa's director said.

By the way, Zheleznovodsk translates into English as "iron waters." The city is also the home of an international hot air balloon festival. For some reason, the combination of iron waters, hot air balloons and giant bronze enemas makes me slightly uneasy. I guess I don't want the people of Zheleznovodsk to use a hot air balloon filled with iron waters to help me with my digestion. Thank you, though.

A final note:

Finding this story on the net led me to Google the phrase "enema bulb," since I found I was uncertain about the accuracy of the term. Top on Google's search list was a link for (meeting your enema supply needs privately and discreetly since 1998), specifically to the page of "enema syringes, which included the Rimba 6 oz. Enema Syringe, the Shiny River Douche and, most disturbingly, something listed as A Very, Very Large Enema Bulb. About the latter, I quote the site, "This is the largest enema bulb we have ever seen...[It] holds 26 ounces (750ml)...[It] can be difficult to fill and to clean but if you are looking for the largest bulb syringe on the market, this is the enema bulb that you want."

So if you want to really know what the difference between Americans and Russians is, it is this: We like our enema supplies to be supplied "privately and discreetly" (at least since 1998), while the Russians build monuments to theirs. That's it. That's the big difference.

Oh, that and their rock and roll is terrible.

How Well Do You Know Your Lady?

DO YOU HAVE A "GOOD TIME" WITH HER? If so, you may be in for a big surprise -- in the pants! A pants surprise. And not the good kind.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Box Office Idiot

A DARKNESS IS DESCENDING ON THE LAND! Or is it just me be overly dramatic? I can't quite put my finger on it, but it might have something to do with the release of two "comedies" this weekend. Oh boy. The Love Guru and Get Smart? What to say, or predict, about these two? Oy! It's hard for me to imagine a huge audience for either film. But I'll take a stab at it.

Get Smart
First of all, it's based on a TV show people remember as being funnier than it actually was, about a spy who succeeded even though he was actually sort of a bumbling idiot. Okay, so the task ahead of Get Smart is to make relevant a post-Cold War James Bond spoof six years after the third Austin Powers movie already beat that joke into the ground. It's a tough sell. Also, the ads for the movie weren't terribly funny and now they all seem to simply focus on the action. Hmmm. It doesn't feel like a vote of confidence. That said, Steve Carell is very funny and Anne Hathaway is charming and pretty. So maybe people will go see it? Hell, I don't know. Do I ever know?
Opening weekend: $35 million
Total take: $135 million

The Love Guru
Speaking of three Austin Powers, didn't I see all these jokes already? Only the main character had funny teeth instead of a funny wig and mustache? Is there anyone who wants to see this movie? I guess we'll find out in a couple days. In the meantime...
Opening weekend: $27 million
Total take: $91 million

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

I'm So Embarrassed!

SOMEONE POSTED A PICTURE of my abs on those Internets! And now they're in an ad on Facebook!

Oh wait! My mistake! Those aren't my abs. That's my bread. Someone posted a picture of my loaf of bread. Sorry. My mistake.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Spam Thirty: Dirty Thirty

EXCITING NEWS IN THE EMAILS THIS WEEK! I’m not talking about how making my “corn really big” will help me “be the center of the world!” And I’m not talking about the Do It Yourself Watercar, although that sounds pretty groundbreaking. I’m not even talking about the newest Boner Meds deluging my box (if you catch my drift), namely the ones for PowerEnlarge.

I’m talking about the Blue Sexy Pill that’s now just $0.69! I don’t know what it does. There was no further explanation. But what else do you need to know, right? It’s blue. It’s sexy. And it’s cheap! I’ll take a hat-full of them, please!

Also, I’ll be taking these Huggies and whatever Chart you got.

1,106 emails
BMS = 35% (up 4%)

((1/1)) -- 391 Boner Medication (59 Viagra/Cialis, 47 VPXL, 32 PowerEnlarge, 14 WonderCum, 11 LNH Maxdik, 6 Megadik, 4 MaxGain)
((2/2)) -- 223 Luxury Replica Watches/Purses
((2/3)) -- 223 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((4/5)) -- 51 OEM Software
((5/6)) -- 33 Buy Designer Footwear
((6/8)) -- 30 Online Casino
((6/4)) -- 30 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((8/16)) -- 28 Free Dowloadable Porn DVDs
((9/7)) -- 19 Weight Loss (Anatrim/Phentermine/Hoodia)
((10/9)) -- 13 Earn Your Degree
((11/11)) -- 12 Improve Your Health
((12/18)) -- 11 Human Growth Hormone
((13/12)) -- 10 Stop Smoking
((14/13)) -- 9 Pheromones
((15/13)) -- 5 Get Out Of Debt/Loan Approval
((16/17)) -- 4 Validate Your Identity (2 Sun Trust Bank)
((16/19)) -- 4 Online Dating Site
((18/13)) -- 3 Foreign Gibberish
((19/21)) -- 2 Stock News
((19/21)) -- 2 Live/Amateur Webcam Girls
((21/19)) -- 1 Some Sex Related Zip File Attached
((21/--)) -- 1 Job Offer/Employee Search
((21/--)) -- 1 Do It Yourself Watercar!

BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Monday, June 16, 2008

Catching Up

I'VE BEEN OFF THE GRID A BIT IN THE LAST WEEK, and I apologize. Been a little busy with work and whatnot, but I'm back and ready for action. In my absence, I neglected to log my official prediction for last Friday's box office debuts. So you'll just have to believe that I was going to put The Incredible Hulk at $50 million (total take: $190 million) and The Happening at $30 million (total take: $93 million). In which case, since they brought in $54.5 and $30.5 million respectively, my accuracy would have been 91% and 98%.

I'm afraid you'll just have to believe me.

Anyway, I figure it's time to see how close my predictions of final box office take actually are. Am I genius or a total fool? Or something in between, something we might call a foolius? You decide!

What Happens In Vegas
my prediction: $40 million
actual box office so far: $75.8 million
accuracy so far: 52.7% (and falling)

Speed Racer
my prediction: $90 million
actual box office so far: $42 million
accuracy so far: 46.6%

The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
my prediction: $172 million
actual box office so far: $131.7 million
accuracy so far: 76.6%

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
my prediction: $339 million
actual box office so far: $275.3 million
accuracy so far: 81.2%

Sex & The City
my prediction: $80 million
actual box office so far: $120 million
accuracy so far: 66.7% (and falling)

The Strangers
my prediction: $35 million
actual box office so far: $45.3 million
accuracy so far: 77.3%

Kung Fu Panda
my prediction: $135 million
actual box office so far: $118 million
accuracy so far: 87.4%

You Don't Mess With the Zohan
my prediction: $124 million
actual box office so far: $68.7 million
accuracy so far: 55.4%

It's eerie, isn't it? How good I am at this?

Please don't hate me just because I'm awesome.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Spam Twenty-Nine: Palms

NOT MUCH TO REPORT THIS WEEK. Everything’s back to normal with over 1,300 emails, including (spark it!) 420 Boner Meds. A couple of old friends returned for a visit after long absences. Get Out of Debt/Loan Approval is back at #13 after a three-week absence. Bigger/Better Boobs bounced back at #20 after a four-week absence. And most notably, after a long ten-week absence, it is good to know that, once again, Russian Women Want to Meet You (#19).

The Chart wants you to know one important thing: “Use our help and you will have to make one more passport for your Shlong, amigo!” That’s right, your Shlong will be sooooo big, the government will insist you carry identification for it, otherwise, you won’t be allowed to travel abroad. That’s how big it will be. Does that not seem to make sense to you? It should be clear, I think. I mean, I’m not sure I understand. But there’s a reason for that.

I’m not a smart man, but I know what Chart is.

1,338 emails
BMS = 31% (down 4%)

((1/1)) -- 420 Boner Medication (92 VPXL, 48 Viagra/Cialis, 19 MaxGain, 19 WonderCum, 18 LNH Solutions/LNH Maxdik, 11 Megadik)
((2/2)) -- 284 Luxury Replica Watches/Purses
((3/3)) -- 245 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((4/5)) -- 92 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((5/6)) -- 44 OEM Software
((6/8)) -- 33 Buy Designer Footwear
((7/10)) -- 33 Weight Loss (Anatrim/Phentermine/Hoodia)
((8/4)) -- 31 Online Casino
((9/9)) -- 29 Earn Your Degree
((10/12)) -- 19 Sell Your Life Insurance
((11/10)) -- 15 Improve Your Health
((12/16)) -- 14 Stop Smoking
((13/7)) -- 13 Foreign Gibberish
((13/16)) -- 13 Pheromones
((13/--)) -- 13 Get Out Of Debt/Loan Approval
((16/18)) -- 11 Dowloadable Porn Videos
((17/13)) -- 7 Validate Your Identity (3 Google AdWords, 2 First Bank)
((18/15)) -- 7 Human Growth Hormone
((19/13)) -- 3 Online Dating Site
((19/--)) -- 3 Russian Women Want to Meet You
((20/--)) -- 2 Bigger/Better Boobs
((21/19)) -- 1 Some Sex Related Zip File Attached
((21/--)) -- 1 Trackstick GPS
((21/1)) -- 1 Stock News
((21/1)) -- 1 You Received An E-Card
((21/1)) -- 1 Live/Amateur Webcam Girls
((21/1)) -- 1 Enter the Cute Kid of the Year Contest
((21/1)) -- 1 Notification of Your Tax Refund

BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Friday, June 6, 2008

Score One For Wendy

CERTAINLY WE COULD ALL SEE THAT COMING. Me eating crow after being so confident that I would be right and my wife would be wrong about Sex & the City, right? How wrong was I? Let's look at the numbers:

Sex & the City
My prediction: $33 million (total take: $80 million)
Actual opening weekend: $57 million
Accuracy: 57.8%
The Strangers
My prediction: $11 million (total take: $35 million)
Actual opening weekend: $20.9 million
Accuracy: 52.6%

Wow. That's a rough ride leading into this upcoming weekend, which has both me and the wife flummoxed.

Kung Fu Panda
Non-Pixar animated films are a crap shoot. Sometimes there's just no telling what people might be interested in. That surfing penguin film looked like it might be cute and funny, but people just didn't care that much about it. So what will people think about this panda? I'm guessing there's a need for a good family film in the theaters right now. Something light and fun and funny. So, I'm guessing Kung Fu Panda opens strong and wins the weekend.
Opening weekend: $52 million
Total take: $135 million

You Don't Mess With The Zohan
Here's the biggest puzzler. Do people really want to see this film? Are people excited to see this actor doing this crazy character? (By the way, that is the same question I'll be asking in two weeks about the new Mike Meyers film.) Adam Sandler comedies tend to fare well at the box office. But one has to wonder whether his ability to draw an audience might be waning. That said, every broad comedy he's made in the last six years has enjoyed an opening weekend in the mid-30s and ended up grossing over $100 million. So...with very little confidence...I'll say this...
Opening weekend: $37 million
Total take: $124 million

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Spam Twenty-Eight: Days Later

THERE’S A FUN GAME TO PLAY THIS WEEK, and it’s called Roofie Roulette! According to the spam I get anyway. I’m not sure exactly how it’s played, but by the end, I think, “All women will bag you for mercy!”

So, prepare to be bagged, gentlemen!

Notably, over 100 Inspecific “Look At This” emails this week, which may beg the question, “What exactly does that mean?” Well, let me give you a couple examples from the spam mailbag of the last seven days. There was this little ditty with the subject line of “Sci-fi cure.” The message of which read as follows:
“Cure for everyone! No one will go unhappy!” said Jack
“Fix up your body and mind health. 20 space bucks.”
Jack registered another customer.
Future technologies now! (click here)

Similarly, there was the “love universe” trio of emails which read:
Stop time, conquer space!
All queens will be yours!
Space heroes invited (click here)

Each of these emails ended with a link to click on, but exactly what was promised via this link was a mystery to me. Am I a space hero? Yes. Of course I am. Do I want future technologies? Yes. Do I want them now? Absolutely! Will I click on these links? I don’t think so. Mainly because I don’t have 20 space bucks and I don’t want all queens to be mine.

Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you’re my only Chart!

1,359 emails
BMS = 35% (down 1%)

((1/1)) -- 478 Boner Medication (99 VPXL, 72 Viagra/Cialis, 35 MaxGain, 14 LNH Solutions/LNH Maxdik, 12 WonderCum, 2 Megadik)
((2/2)) -- 264 Luxury Replica Watches/Purses
((3/3)) -- 219 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((4/8)) -- 102 Online Casino
((5/6)) -- 102 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((6/5)) -- 39 OEM Software
((7/11)) -- 30 Foreign Gibberish
((8/4)) -- 29 Buy Designer Footwear
((9/7)) -- 15 Earn Your Degree
((10/9)) -- 13 Weight Loss (Anatrim/Phentermine/Hoodia)
((10/11)) -- 13 Improve Your Health
((12/--)) -- 11 Sell Your Life Insurance
((13/16)) -- 9 Online Dating Site
((13/10)) -- 9 Validate Your Identity (3 Wachovia, 2 CareerBuilder)
((15/11)) -- 8 Human Growth Hormone
((16/14)) -- 6 Stop Smoking
((16/15)) -- 6 Pheromones
((18/--)) -- 2 Dowloadable Porn Videos
((19/--)) -- 1 Some Sex Related Zip File Attached
((19/--)) -- 1 Live/Amateur Webcam Girls
((19/--)) -- 1 Suspicious Father’s Day Links
((19/--)) -- 1 Go Visit Earthlink’s Anniversary Website

BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week