Thursday, March 27, 2008

Mascot Madness: A Champion is Crowned!

THIS ALL BEGAN one week ago with a field of 64 hungry and hopeful mascots pitted against one another. They were to fight each other, cage-match style, to the death. Sixty-four quickly became 32. And 32 became 16. And now today, we crown a champion.

Arkansas Razorbacks vs. George Mason Patriots—The Razorbacks’ run ends here. The fully armed Patriots add insult to injury with the post-win barbecue. Mmmmm, delicious pork

Boise St. Broncos vs. American Eagles—The ponies from Boise St. really thought they had a walk through their bracket, facing nothing but birds in this tournament. But this time they didn’t just run into a bird, they ran into America.

Kansas Jayhawks vs. Clemson Tigers—Sure, these savvy 19th century fighters are used to fighting humans, not wild animals from another part of the globe. But they are armed. Also, did I mention that’s where I went to college?

USC Trojans vs. Davidson Wildcats—Thought you were pretty tough when you were attacking that poor defenseless dog curled up by the fire, didn’t you, Wildcats? (See Round Two.) Did that make you feel like you were indestructible? It did? How do you feel now that you’re facing Brad Pitt wielding a sword and shield? Other than star-struck, that is.

Memphis Tigers vs. Michigan State Spartans—Dining in hell, this time on Tiger burgers, etc., etc.

Kentucky Wildcats vs. Texas Longhorns—It won’t be easy. It won’t be swift. And it won’t be pretty. But because of the deliciousness of steak…


Mississippi Valley State Delta Devils vs. San Diego Toreros—What Devils and bulls have in common is pointy horns. This may fill the Toreros with confidence. Confidence and a cape: two things that won’t really help you defend yourself against one of Satan’s minions.

Xavier Musketeers vs. Duke Blue Devils—Bang! Bang! Oh crap! Guns aren’t really working against these guys. That’s unfortunate. That’s really our only strategy.


George Mason Patriots vs. American Eagles—In a fight where America is pitted against America, only America can win. And even though the Eagles have America in their name, they are not men with guns, as the Patriots are. While it is a sad day when America loses, it is a glorious day when America wins!


Kansas Jayhawks vs. USC Trojans—One group of warriors versus another. It’s like wondering who would win in a fight between Joe Louis and Muhammad Ali. Except in this case, Joe Louis carries a sword and Ali carries a rifle. Whoops! Not much of a contest, eh?

Michigan State Spartans vs. Kentucky Wildcats—You know the drill. This isn't madness. THIS! IS! MICHIGAN STATE!

Mississippi State Delta Devils vs. Duke Blue Devils—In the Devil vs. Devil battle, one Devil must emerge victorious. Because of my innate fear of Cajuns, I can see this going only one way.

George Mason Patriots vs. Kansas Jayhawks—I ask you: Who is more patriotic, the man who calls himself a "patriot" or the man who fights for what is right against adversity? It's like the question: Who's cooler, the guy who says he's cool or the guy who just is cool? The answer to both questions is: the guy who went to Kansas.

Mississippi State Delta Devils vs. Michigan State Spartans—If I am to believe the historical documentary film 300, the Spartans frequently dined in hell. Therefore, they will not be freaked out by the sight of Devils, even creepy, inbred Cajun-style ones.

Kansas Jayhawks vs. vs. Michigan State Spartans—Do I believe that a Civil War era guerrilla fighter could defeat a warrior from 480 BC? I do when those fighters have five future NBA players on the floor and can beat you in the paint or from behind the arc. Even the Oracle at Delphi says, "Jayhawks by 12."

Congratulations, Jayhawks, your mascot is the champion. Now wash your bloodied beak and talons and head over to the Free State Brewery for a celebratory beer. You've earned it.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Spam Eighteen: Barely Legal

SPARK IT, PEOPLE! It’s 4:20 on the Chart! Big Buddha Bud has returned after a fifteen week absence. Where has this “legal pot” been all that time? My guess is either Burning Man or Amsterdam. Of course, Buddha Bud is totally legal, right? I mean, why wouldn’t it be? So, go ahead, stoners, click on that link. What’s the worst that could happen? Other than identity theft, that is.

Also back, after a briefer absence, are Human Growth Hormones and Pheromones, although just barely, with three total emails between ‘em. And new to the Chart this week is This Letter Contains A Virus, which intrigued me with its honesty even while it assured me that the aforementioned virus had been "successfully detected and cured.” Yes, cured. That’s what you do to computer viruses now, you cure them.

Having dropped down to only two spams this week, WonderCum officially earned itself absorption back into the monolith that is Boner Medication. And that's 2 out of a record-setting week 1367 emails -- one-tenth of one percent, an embarrassing number for a Boner email. A month ago, it seemed so promising, like WonderCum might be another MegaDick or the new VPXL. But WonderCum never inspired wonder, and its girth only topped out at 36 emails (3.7% of Week Sixteen’s Chart total). So goodbye WonderCum, we hardly knew ye.

Call it, Chart-o!

1367 emails
BMS = 34% (up 1%)

((1/1)) -- 465 Boner Medication (186 VPXL, 23 Viagra/Cialis)
((2/3)) -- 265 Luxury Replica Watches/Purses
((3/2)) -- 162 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((4/7)) -- 91 Online Casino
((5/4)) -- 75 We Will Approve Your Loan
((6/6)) -- 58 OEM Software
((7/11)) -- 50 Buy Designer Footwear
((8/10)) -- 41 Some Sex Related Zip File Attached
((9/8)) -- 39 Earn Your Degree
((10/5)) -- 36 Say Goodbye to Debt
((11/17)) -- 16 Stop Smoking
((12/16)) -- 14 Weight Loss (Anatrim/Phentermine/Hoodia)
((13/9)) -- 13 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((14/12)) -- 10 Open Your Funny Postcard/E-Card
((15/20)) -- 8 Improve Your Health
((16/15)) -- 7 Validate Your Identity (2 Corporate One, 2 Wachovia)
((17/12)) -- 6 Would You Like to Chat & See My Pics?
((18/--)) -- 4 Legal Pot/Big Buddha Bud!
((19/14)) -- 3 Foreign Gibberish (1 German)
((20/--)) -- 2 Job Offer/Employee Search
((20/--)) -- 2 Human Growth Hormone
((22/--)) -- 1 Pheromones
((22/--)) -- 1 This Letter Contains A Virus

BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Friday, March 21, 2008

Mascot Madness: Round Two!

IF YOU THOUGHT Round One was exciting, get ready for Round Two! The mascots continue to fight to the death in the cage! It's the only way to truly find out who should stand atop the college basketball world. Let the games continue!

North Carolina Tar Heels vs. Arkansas Razorbacks—Again, the wild boars from Arkansas find themselves fighting a native of a particular state. Since, again, the Tar Heel does not appear to be endowed with special powers or weaponry, I will now cast my vote against them. Also, I hate Roy Williams.

George Mason Patriots vs. Washington State Cougars—Since the Patriots are, by definition, always exercising their God-given Constitutional rights, they are fully armed (thank you Second Amendment!), and therefore the Cougars don’t really stand a chance. Ready! Aim! Freedom!

St. Joseph’s Hawks vs. Boise St. Broncos—In Round Two, the Broncos face yet another bird. And even though this one is slightly bigger, more blood-thirsty and swifter, it’s still just a bird. And a bird could never beat a pony.

South Alabama Jaguars vs. American Eagles—Do you have to ask? They are American Eagles! The symbol of our glorious nation.

Kansas Jayhawks vs. UNLV Runnin’ Rebels—So these Rebels are Runnin’? As in “cut and run?” Sounds like surrender to me.

Clemson Tigers vs. Vanderbilt Commodores—Who wants to see Lionel Richie mauled by a Tiger? It only sounds like justice to me, considering “Say You, Say Me” and “Dancing on the Ceiling.”

USC Trojans vs. CSU Fullerton Titans—One of the tournament’s best match-ups, straight out of the history books. But I’ve seen Troy, and I’ve seen Clash of the Titans. Based on the enduring (if questionable) qualities of both movies, and not by much of a margin, I have to go with…

Davidson Wildcats vs. UMBC Retrievers—Oh, Retrievers! You are so loyal and lovable and gentle and sweet. Look at you all curled up in the corner by the fire. Such a peaceful look on your face. How adorable! What’s that? A Wildcat has entered the room? I have to turn away now. This won’t end well.

Memphis Tigers vs. Mississippi State Bulldogs—Are these exploding Bulldogs? Robot Bulldogs from the future? They’re not? Oh. Bummer.

Michigan State Spartans vs. Pittsburgh Panthers—Again, I refer you to 300.

Kentucky Wildcats vs. Cornell Big Red—Wait! Maybe Cornell is named after the soft drink or the chewing gum! Hmmm, still not very formidable either way.

Miami Hurricanes vs. Texas Longhorns—Okay, hear me out on this one. If Hurricanes were so powerful to destroy all living things, there would be no animals or humans left along the Gulf Coast. But somehow, regular old animals know how to survive even the most harrowing of natural disasters. Sure, some of them perish. But in the end, the Hurricane is gone and the animals survive. Thus…

Mississippi Valley State Delta Devils vs. BYU Cougars—Out in the wild, Cougars think they’re all that. They’ve got a cool grace, a laid-back self-confidence and fangs and claws to boot. What they do NOT have is a natural defense against creatures from the underworld.

Drake Bulldogs vs. San Diego Toreros—For the second game in a row, the Toreros find themselves facing off with dogs. As with the Mississippi State Bulldogs (see South Bracket above), these are not extraordinary Bulldogs. Not robot Bulldogs. Not poison Bulldogs. Not giant fire-breathing Bulldogs. As a result…

Baylor Bears vs. Xavier Musketeers—Growl! Growl! Bang!

West Virginia Mountaineers vs. Duke Blue Devils—As a Mountaineer, you see a lot of bizarre shit up in the mountains of West Virginia. Shit that would freak out most normal folks. But running into a Blue Devil is weird even by West Virginia standards. Appalachian woods-people might know a thing or two about fighting demons, so this battle would probably be closer than most. Close, but no cigar.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Would You Like Me To Take Your Picture?

I AM BRANCHING OUT and starting a new business, taking photos of young couples. Portraits, really. Something any young couple would be proud to hang over the fireplace of their home. I have some examples of my work to show you. Sorry that they all feature the same creepy Russian couple.


What I have tried to show with this photo is a sense of history. You'll notice on the wall a wedding photo of the lovely couple. Funny story about that: the wedding was just a couple of weeks before! But really, there's nothing more beautiful than a bride who is eight months pregnant. I had the couple hold up overalls for a three-year-old (a gift from yours truly!), because they had just been informed by their doctor that their child was going to be freakishly big, with a head like a globe and monster hands. The whimsical cars on the knees of his overalls, I thought, would make this monster-baby seem more adorable, and distract from his fangs and spinning eyes. Also, Skyenskya's head is on Zeljko's shoulder and he is kissing her forehead to show everyone, "We did this together. We made a monster-baby together."


I chose blue as the background, because the monster-baby will be a boy...or will have mostly boy parts. Anyway, Zeljko and Skyenskya are excited about it, and I wanted to help them show it through a photo. Here, Zeljko is playfully hiding behind Skyenskya's pregnant belly NOT because he is hiding from the authorities who have come to capture and study their monster-baby. No, that's not the message at all. He's standing (or cowering) behind her as a way to show his support. Also, once they let that monster-baby loose on the world, they'll both be able to stand behind it. The doctors tell me its growth rate will be staggering, even frightening. Trivia time! Those aren't booties for the baby's feet Skyenskya is holding, but hand-knitted horn warmers for the horns little Zeljko Jr. has on his forehead. On the sonogram they sorta look like feet. Horn-feet! On his widdle head! Too cute!

More examples later!

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

The Teapot Fight

MY WIFE AND I RECENTLY DID A SHOW, created by our good friend Kate Purdy, a stage show she called "Who's Crazy?" It was kinda sorta a game show, wherein two couples told their sides of an argument and the audience voted on who they thought was the crazy one in the fight. It actually was a pretty funny show, and (best of all!) nobody's feelings were hurt. Hooray! Hooray for turning domestic arguments into comedy!

The "argument" that my wife and I chose was more of a disagreement about the value of an object than an actual fight. It was about a gift I gave and what she thought that gift communicated versus what I thought that gift communicated. In the end, she was voted the crazy one (which she admitted at the top of her story) and the whole audience agreed that I chose my gift very poorly, very poorly indeed.

Here is my story, as it was performed in the show:

Before I say anything, I would like to put this whole incident into the following light: I am a dude who buys gifts for his lady. As a dude, it should be unsurprising to anyone—whether dudes or ladies themselves—that I, at some point in my life, gave a poorly chosen gift to my lady. It is no reflection on the lady. It is always and only a reflection on the dude. Giving poorly chosen gifts is dudes do occasionally. We can’t help it. We’re just dudes. We’re not bright.

Now, in my defense: I would like to say without bragging, that I am a pretty good gift giver. For the most part. Let’s call it 80%. 80% of the time, I give good presents. Thoughtful, entertaining, clever, personal. All the things you want a present to be. The other 20% of the time, I do poorly. Not a bad average. It’s a B. Room for improvement. But still, above average.

Which brings me to the Christmas Teapot—a gift I gave to my wife when we were first dating. A gift I gave to her for our first Christmas as a couple.

I would like to say that the Christmas Teapot was one of several Christmas gifts given that Christmas. It was not the main gift. It was just one of the gifts. I don’t recall what the other gifts were that Christmas. I am going to guess that there was probably a nice blouse or sweater also given. As well as jewelry of some sort. Books too—most likely. My wife loves to read. I don’t really know for sure. I wasn’t, at that point, journaling about my gift-giving. And my memory’s not as sharp as it could be. I blame the pounds and pounds of pot I smoked in my teenage years. And on into college. I easily smoked my weight in pot in my formative years. It HAD to have had some deleterious effect. But I digress.

The teapot.

The teapot is still in our cupboard, by the way. Still unopened. Still unused. Five years later.

It wasn’t a fancy teapot. Admittedly, it was a functional gift. Which, I now realize makes it a not-so-great gift, by default. You don’t want to give your future wife the equivalent of socks and underwear. Or, rather: you may WANT to give her those gifts, but she does NOT want to receive them. She wants (and she is right in wanting) thoughtful, pretty, girly, sexy, shiny, fun gifts.

A teapot is—I know—none of these things.

But my wife does love tea. And she was, at that time, drinking a LOT of tea. And the teapot was, as I mentioned, one of many gifts. But it was a gift. It was not a coded message. It was just a teapot. It was not my silent way of telling her: I think we should stop seeing each other, I think we should break up. The message behind the teapot was the same as the message behind all the other gifts I got her that year—and every year since.

Which being: I am very fond of you. Here is something I think you will enjoy. Please think of me while you enjoy/wear/look at/whatever this item.

As I said. The teapot is still there. Staring out at me from the back of the cupboard. Still unopened. Unused. Still communicating two different messages. To me it says: I am a gift that meant well, that has never been enjoyed. To my wife, I believe it still says: You have until morning to pack your things. It’s been fun.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Spam Seventeen: The Spam Is Not Enough!

WHO NEEDS SOME "CRAPS SUPPLIES"? Apparently, I do. Also I need to be concerned about my "babymaker", whether it is "smallsize" or not in its "best shape". What's not "smallsize" this week is the total number of spam emails, up 28% from last week to 1226, the biggest intake yet.

Pheromones and Human Growth Hormone dropped off the Chart this week (HGH actually dropped off a week ago). It is the first week since we began that neither has been represented on the Chart. And I’ve decided that WonderCum is a disappointment and not worth separate tracking. This week may mark its last on the Chart. New and notable to the Chart, the sudden influx of Sex Related Zip Files, debuting at #10.

These aren't the Charts you've been looking for...move along.

1226 emails
BMS = 33% (down 7%)

((1/1)) -- 404 Boner Medication (101 VPXL, 24 Viagra/Cialis, 19 WonderCum)
((2/3)) -- 254 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((3/2)) -- 226 Luxury Replica Watches/Purses
((4/4)) -- 64 We Will Approve Your Loan
((5/8)) -- 50 Say Goodbye to Debt
((6/7)) -- 42 OEM Software
((7/16)) -- 38 Online Casino
((8/9)) -- 26 Earn Your Degree
((9/6)) -- 24 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((10/--)) -- 23 Some Sex Related Zip File Attached
((11/5)) -- 14 Buy Designer Footwear
((12/13)) -- 11 Would You Like to Chat & See My Pics?
((12/11)) -- 11 Open Your Funny Postcard/E-Card
((14/13)) -- 9 Foreign Gibberish (1 German)
((15/11)) -- 8 Validate Your Identity (7 CitiBusiness, PayPal)
((16/17)) -- 7 Weight Loss (Anatrim/Hoodia/Phentermine)
((17/10)) -- 6 Stop Smoking
((18/--)) -- 3 Job Offer/Employee Search
((18/--)) -- 3 Best 3-D Screen Saver
((20/13)) -- 1 Improve Your Health
((20/--)) -- 1 Stock News
((20/--)) -- 1 Bank Scam (Hong Kong business project)

BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Monday, March 17, 2008

Mascot Madness!

SINCE I AM TRADITIONALLY TERRIBLE at picking the winners in any NCAA Basketball Tournament Pool, no matter what criteria I apply, I am trying something new this year: Basing my choices on how the actual mascots would fare in a cage match.

Here's how the shit would go down in Round One.

North Carolina Tar Heels vs. Coppin State Eagles or Mount St. Mary’s Mountaineers—A Tar Heel is simply someone with pitch or tar on their heel who hails from North Carolina. Which doesn’t seem particularly threatening by itself. But considering the potential first round opponents, Eagles or Mountaineers, I will assume that the tar is poisonous and give North Carolina a pass into the next round.

Indiana Hoosiers vs. Arkansas Razorbacks—
When a native of the state of Indiana faces off with a dangerous wild boar, I don’t believe the Hoosier stands much of a chance. He’s an ordinary Indianan. He’s not (apparently) unexpectedly strong or well-armed. He’s just some dude from Indiana. In which case, I believe I have to vote for the Razorback. It could be a close fight, but in the end, I think the wild animal prevails.

Notre Dame Fighting Irish vs. George Mason Patriots—
The Irish are fighting here because they are a stereotype, I’m guessing. Whereas the Patriots are fighting because they believe in something. What is that thing they believe in? Oh, nothing really. Just a little thing called Freedom. Just a little thing called America.

Washington State Cougars vs. Winthrop Eagles—
This is a cage fight, remember. Both mascots are trapped in a cage and only one emerges. Eagles might be birds of prey and therefore deadly to most small animals, but a Cougar is a Cougar. And to a Cougar, an eagle is a delicious snack.

Oklahoma Sooners vs. St. Joseph’s Hawks—
A settler of Oklahoma is so susceptible to dysentery, not to mention weakened by hunger and the general malaise of being stuck in Oklahoma, that I cannot believe they would put up much of a fight. In fact, I sort of imagine they would view death and/or defeat as a sweet release.

Louisville Cardinals vs. Boise St. Broncos—
I’m not sure under what circumstances a songbird might pick a fight with an untamed pony. Unless it was a songbird with particularly low self-esteem who needed to show off for his songbird buddies, or to prove to those nearby birds of prey that he was as cool as they were. Whatever the explanation, it’s a mistake.

Butler Bulldogs vs. South Alabama Jaguars—
Wow, what a mismatch! While Bulldogs are known for being tenacious, they are also domesticated. Sure, there may be some question as to how a Jaguar ended up in Alabama. (Chalk it up to excellent recruiting, I suppose.) This one will be quick and unpleasant. You may want to cover your child’s eyes.

Tennessee Volunteers vs. American Eagles—
The Volunteers volunteered for this fight, so they knew exactly what they were getting into. That said, how can you vote against an American Eagle? Unless you’re a terrorist. But you’re not a terrorist, are you? I didn’t think so.

Kansas Jayhawks vs. Portland St. Vikings—This would be quite a spectacular fight. Civil War era guerilla fighters pitted against Scandinavian pirates. The slight edge goes to the Jayhawks, not because of their modern weaponry, but because that is where I went to college. Go KU!

UNLV Runnin’ Rebels vs. Kent State Golden Flashes—
Though anthropomorphized as an angry bird of some sort, the Golden Flashes, in the end, are still just that: some sort of trick of the light. While pretty, beguiling and occasionally disorienting, they pose no serious threat to actual humans.

Clemson Tigers vs. Villanova Wildcats—
Now this is a fight you want to see! One vicious cat pitted against another! Sadly for Villanova, size matters.

Vanderbilt Commodores vs. Siena Saints—
Possibly the most boring matchup of the Tournament: a ‘70s funk/soul band versus a bunch of goody two-shoes. The Saints might make it into heaven in a walk, but the Commodores wrote “Brick House.”

USC Trojans vs. Kansas State Wildcats—
Sure, I don’t want to be trapped in a cage with a Wildcat of any size, but I’m not a trained warrior from Troy. They are ready for any type of battle. Also, swords offer an advantage.

Wisconsin Badgers vs. CSU Fullerton Titans—
I don’t care how tough and vicious a Badger might be. It’s still only Badger-sized, not of titanic proportions.

Gonzaga Bulldogs vs. Davidson Wildcats—
If Davidson were the House Cats, then I’d let this one go the other way. But they are wild. Sorry Gonzaga, you’re out in the first round.

Georgetown Hoyas vs. UMBC Retrievers—
Seriously? A Chesapeake Bay Retriever? That is your mascot? Well, at least you are specific. I cannot say the same for the Georgetown Hoyas, who, for some reason, have a bulldog as their mascot. But Wikipedia (the world’s most accurate site) tells me a Hoya is “a genus of 200-230 species of tropical climbing plants…native to southern Asia, Australian and Polynesia.” Since I always believe Wikipedia…

Memphis Tigers vs. Texas-Arlington Mavericks—Those nonconformists from Texas-Arlington, they’re such free spirits! They’re so eccentric and original! Have you read their poetry? They’re totally giving a reading at the coffee house later tonight. That is, if they can manage not to be mauled and eaten by wild tigers. Uh-oh…

Mississippi State Bulldogs vs. Oregon Ducks—
Wow! That was fast! Look at all those feathers! Honestly, I don’t know why I expected more of a fight. Maybe it’s because I bought into all the Pac-10 hype.

Michigan State Spartans vs. Temple Owls—
Did you see 300? Did you see those Tootsie Pop commercials from the ‘70s? Yeah. That’s right. Tonight, Michigan State dines in hell! Dines on Owl kabobs.

Pittsburgh Panthers vs. Oral Roberts Golden Eagles—
Coating a bird of prey in gold will NOT make it more difficult to defeat. In fact, it will just make it immobile. Shiny and expensive…but immobile.

Marquette Golden Eagles vs. Kentucky Wildcats—
See above.

Stanford Cardinal vs. Cornell Big Red—
According to both universities’ web sites, their team names refer to the color red. So, um, this is a battle of red versus red? Like, which red is better, red or red? Boy, is this match-up stupid. The mascots aren’t much more help: a tree and a bear. So who wins in that battle? A bear can climb a tree, so is that like defeating a tree? It is if the bear’s nickname is “Touchdown.”

Miami Hurricanes vs. St. Mary’s Gaels—
To hear of this battle, you might think it sounds like the perfect storm, literally. A hurricane versus a gale! Oh, wait. What? A Gael? Isn’t that a typo? It isn’t? So it’s a Hurricane pitted against someone from Ireland? Well, not being a tropical people, I think the Gaels are in for a rough time.

Texas Longhorns vs. Austin Peay Governors—Austin Peay
was a person before he became a university. He was actually the governor of Tennessee during the Scopes Monkey Trial, who notably died in office, something no Tennessee governor has done before or since. As I believe death renders most foes easily vanquished…

UCLA Bruins vs. Mississippi Valley State Delta Devils—Bears are deadly and dangerous. Just ask Stephen Colbert. But a Devil, from the Delta or not, has that little extra something. A little something most people call “evil.”

BYU Cougars vs. Texas A&M Aggies—
Aggie jokes are the Polack jokes of Texas, because Aggies are viewed as possessing bag-o-hammers level intelligence. Darwinian selection being what it is, then, there’s only one way this fight ends.

Drake Bulldogs vs. Western Kentucky Hilltoppers—
If your biggest accomplishment, the thing that you seem most proud about, the thing you name yourself after, is “topping” a “hill”, maybe you can be beaten by a Bulldog. Let’s face it, you’re not exactly a go-getter. You think making it to the top of a hill is a “big deal.”

Connecticut Huskies vs. San Diego Toreros—
If you are in the Iditarod, you want a team full of Huskies. Good, strong, hard-working dogs. However, this is not a race but a fight. And Toreros are used to fighting something a little more dangerous than a dog, namely, a charging bull. Oh yeah, and then they kill the bull.

Purdue Boilermakers vs. Baylor Bears—
When you and your buddies are out having drinks, the last thing you want to do is stumble into a townie bar and start some shit with a bunch of ironworkers. You and your buddies might be tough, but, trust me, you’re not as tough as labor union lifers from the Rust Belt. Unless, you and your buddies happen to be Bears. And I’m not talking about big, hairy gay guys.

Xavier Musketeers vs. Georgia Bulldogs—
Bark! Bark! Bang!

West Virginia Mountaineers vs. Arizona Wildcats—
Mountaineers are used to living in the mountains. They are experts in it, one would assume. If that is the case, they would be no strangers to encountering an occasional Wildcat. And they wouldn’t really be considered much of a Mountaineer if they didn’t know how to handle themselves around a Wildcat, now would they?

Duke Blue Devils vs. Belmont Bruins—
Man, this bracket is lousy with Devils and Bears! If Belmont had only had Baylor’s luck in the tournament draw, they’d make it past the first round. But, as it stands, they ended up in hell. Bears might rule this earthly plane, but Devils snack on Bears like Pretzel and Peanut Butter Combos.

Round Two predictions later this week!

Thursday, March 13, 2008

An Open Letter to My Shoes

Dear PF Flyers,

I really like you. I really do. When I bought you a few weeks ago, along with those lace-less Converse shoes you share the closet with, I thought you were some of the coolest looking shoes I had ever seen. And then I tried you on and found out, hey, you’re comfortable too! Always a bonus. I love the way you look with jeans, very casual and cool, relaxed, you know? You’re just really great. Really.

Which is what makes this next thing I have to say so awkward. I’m not sure I can wear you anymore.

I’m sorry. I could lie to you and say, “It isn’t you, it’s me.” But – and I’m sorry to say it like this, so blunt and to the point – it is you. It’s totally you.

Look, you’re comfortable and stylish, and for the first part of any day that I wear you, you’re great. I’ve got no complaints at all. It’s just that late in the day, you change. It’s not like you stop being stylish or stop being comfortable. It’s that you start making noise.

Farting noises.

With every step.

I thought it might get better over time. “They just need some time, to be a little more broken in. Give the shoes a break. You’re always so judgmental.” But I gave you time, and you just got worse. The more walking I do in you, the more farty you get. And I have to explain you to people. “It’s my shoes,” I say. “They make noise.”

“Sure,” they say. “It’s the shoes.”

I just can’t take it anymore. I’m sorry. But a man has his limits. I am sorry. I really thought we might have some great years together.

I’m also sorry to tell you I’ve already moved on, and that it’s the Converse shoes that I now prefer. I know it’s probably douche-y of me, you two are closetmates and all. But the heart wants what it wants.

And I want to move on. Without accompanying farty noises.

I’m sorry.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Spam Sixteen: Havana Nights

A SURPRISING DIP of 200 emails this week! That's a 20% drop since just last week! It can only be explained by a hole in the Spam-o-sphere. It's the next big thing Al Gore is writing a book and making a movie about, I'm sure.

Hey, don't forget to "show her your pants monster!"

All your Chart belong to us!

957 emails
BMS = 40% (up 7%)

((1/1)) -- 380 Boner Medication (88 VPXL, 43 Viagra/Cialis, 36 WonderCum)
((2/4)) -- 158 Luxury Replica Watches/Purses
((3/2)) -- 145 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((4/3)) -- 50 We Will Approve Your Loan
((5/5)) -- 42 Buy Designer Footwear
((6/7)) -- 39 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((7/6)) -- 37 OEM Software
((8/9)) -- 31 Say Goodbye to Debt
((9/10)) -- 11 Earn Your Degree
((10/15)) -- 10 Stop Smoking
((11/11)) -- 9 Validate Your Identity (4 CitiBusiness, 3 Fifth Third Bank)
((11/--)) -- 9 Open Your Funny Postcard/E-Card
((13/11)) -- 7 Would You Like to Chat & See My Pics?
((13/14)) -- 7 Improve Your Health
((13/13)) -- 7 Foreign Gibberish
((16/8)) -- 6 Online Casino
((17/16)) -- 5 Weight Loss/Anatrim/Hoodia
((18/17)) -- 3 Pheromones
((19/--)) -- 1 Luxury Cell Phones

BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Monday, March 10, 2008

I Should Keep My Stupid Mouth Shut

BUT I NEVER DO. That's why I said what I said about 10,000 B.C. Once again, my awesome predictive powers were on display. My wife, of course, was quick to announce to me on Saturday that the movie did $12.5 million in its first day. But here's how stubborn I am: I still stand by my statements, even though it did $35.7 million in its opening weekend. Because it had a $105 million budget and I really don't believe that it will make that much at the box office.

I still don't believe it. No one can make me believe it. I won't even believe it when it (inevitably) happens.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Not Sure This Is a Good Idea

SINCE THIS IS AN ELECTION YEAR, I feel like the Right Wing may go to any length to secure the White House once again. To further fuel this paranoid speculation, I offer the following news item.

Let me first say that I couldn't be less surprised to discover that Arnold owns an Austrian tank. I'm only surprised that he doesn't drive it everywhere. I guess the fact that it's been in Ohio since the late '90s would explain that. But now he wants his tank back? So he can give rides to schoolchildren? That sounds fishy to me.

In his autobiography, Arnold: The Education of a Bodybuilder, Schwarzenegger recalled his first experience driving a tank (while in Austrian tank-driving school naturally). Driving a tank, he wrote, “appealed to the part of me that has always been moved by any show of strength and force.”

“He's going to have it closer to home, in California, so he can enjoy it,” Schwarzenegger's press secretary said.

So, he wants to "enjoy" his tank, and he associates tanks with a "show of strength and force."

Fuck. I think he's going to attack America.

And if you also consider that he's an unstoppable robot from the future. We're totally fucked.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Disappointing Punch in the Junk

IT WAS A TIE, by the way. The three of you who visit my blog voted and decided that what I should get for my birthday was a combination of "crushing disappointment" and a "punch in the junk." So, here it is.

Thanks, everybody.

A "musical turtle" was the least popular present choice, and "hippie foot (lucky)" just barely missed out. Which is unfortunate, since I really had my heart set on finally getting a hippie foot of my own. (I keep borrowing from friends and they are, honestly, getting tired of it.) Oh well, there's always Christmas.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Spam Fifteen: Electric Spamaloo

HAVE YOU HEARD about "those crazy japaneses girls"? Apparently there's "2 japanese 1 finger." I'm not sure if that's supposed to be sexy or tragic.

While we bid goodbye (apparently forever) to MegaDick, the spam that started it all, we say hello this week to WonderCum. A strong showing of 31 emails for WonderCum, but not really enough to challenge VPXL...yet. We'll wait and see what wonders are in store.

Before we get to the Chart, I want you to know that you can "make women can't keep their hands off you." And also that "the secret to popping more cherries is out now." So don't forget to "upsize your dick today. You and your almighty rod of pleasure."

Make Chart go now!

1198 emails
BMS = 33% (down 2%)

((1/1)) -- 399 Boner Medication (82 VPXL, 60 Viagra/Cialis, 31 WonderCum)
((2/2)) -- 259 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((3/4)) -- 81 We Will Approve Your Loan
((4/3)) -- 175 Luxury Replica Watches/Purses
((5/6)) -- 62 Buy Designer Footwear
((6/8)) -- 42 OEM Software
((7/9)) -- 37 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((8/5)) -- 30 Online Casino
((9/7)) -- 24 Say Goodbye to Debt
((10/18)) -- 14 Earn Your Degree
((11/10)) -- 13 Would You Like to Chat & See My Pics?
((11/15)) -- 13 Validate Your Identity (6 CitiBusiness, 3 Fifth Third Bank)
((13/14)) -- 11 Foreign Gibberish (3 German)
((14/11)) -- 9 Improve Your Health
((15/12)) -- 8 Stop Smoking
((16/13)) -- 7 Weight Loss/Anatrim/Hoodia
((17/17)) -- 5 Pheromones
((18/16)) -- 4 Human Growth Hormone
((19/--)) -- 3 Better Than Flowers or Chocolate
((20/19)) -- 1 Job Offer/Employee Search
((20/--)) -- 1 Download Your Free Cookbook

BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Monday, March 3, 2008

My Amazing Mental Powers!

IF THERE'S ONE THING MY WIFE ENJOYS, it's when I predict the box office success or failure of an upcoming film. I am, according to her estimation, batting 1.000 when it comes to prognostication. Which is to say, I am always wrong.

"It just doesn't seem like that second Pirates of the Caribbean movie is going to do any business. I don't feel like anyone is excited about seeing it."

"Who the hell did they even make Alvin & the Chipmunks for? People who are old enough to remember the Chipmunks won't want to relive it, and people who are too young to remember the original won't have any interest in the Jason Lee version."

"300? Seriously? C'mon, now. People are itching to see a movie about Sparta? Really? I don't believe it."

For the record, the movies mentioned above made $423 million, $213.6 million, $210.6 million. In fact, all three movies had HUGE opening weekends: $136 million, $44 million and $70.8 million, respectively. And the third Pirates movie made $309 million (not that I actually said anything about that one...but I was probably still tempted to).

Because of the magnitude of predictions like those above, she tends to ignore when I'm pretty close, like my negative prediction for Beowulf, which only brought in $82 million of its $150 million budget, or my accurate positive predictions for Knocked Up and Superbad.

Not that I blame her. When I'm wrong, I'm really, really wrong. Like as wrong as you could be. Then multiply that by one hundred.

Having said that...

I have a prediction for 10,000 B.C. And it's already been ballyhooed by my wife. Here it is:

"Nobody, NOBODY will go see 10,000 B.C. There is NO WAY that movie is a hit."

Chances are it'll be the box office smash of the season. Now that I've opened my big, stupid mouth.