EAST BRACKET
North Carolina Tar Heels vs. Arkansas Razorbacks—Again, the wild boars from Arkansas find themselves fighting a native of a particular state. Since, again, the Tar Heel does not appear to be endowed with special powers or weaponry, I will now cast my vote against them. Also, I hate Roy Williams.
WINNER: RAZORBACKS!
George Mason Patriots vs. Washington State Cougars—Since the Patriots are, by definition, always exercising their God-given Constitutional rights, they are fully armed (thank you Second Amendment!), and therefore the Cougars don’t really stand a chance. Ready! Aim! Freedom!WINNER: PATRIOTS!
St. Joseph’s Hawks vs. Boise St. Broncos—In Round Two, the Broncos face yet another bird. And even though this one is slightly bigger, more blood-thirsty and swifter, it’s still just a bird. And a bird could never beat a pony.
WINNER: BRONCOS!
South Alabama Jaguars vs. American Eagles—Do you have to ask? They are American Eagles! The symbol of our glorious nation.
WINNER: EAGLES!
WEST BRACKET
Kansas Jayhawks vs. UNLV Runnin’ Rebels—So these Rebels are Runnin’? As in “cut and run?” Sounds like surrender to me.
WINNER: JAYHAWKS!
Clemson Tigers vs. Vanderbilt Commodores—Who wants to see Lionel Richie mauled by a Tiger? It only sounds like justice to me, considering “Say You, Say Me” and “Dancing on the Ceiling.”
WINNER: TIGERS!
USC Trojans vs. CSU Fullerton Titans—One of the tournament’s best match-ups, straight out of the history books. But I’ve seen Troy, and I’ve seen Clash of the Titans. Based on the enduring (if questionable) qualities of both movies, and not by much of a margin, I have to go with…
WINNER: TROJANS!
Davidson Wildcats vs. UMBC Retrievers—Oh, Retrievers! You are so loyal and lovable and gentle and sweet. Look at you all curled up in the corner by the fire. Such a peaceful look on your face. How adorable! What’s that? A Wildcat has entered the room? I have to turn away now. This won’t end well.WINNER: WILDCATS!
SOUTH BRACKET
Memphis Tigers vs. Mississippi State Bulldogs—Are these exploding Bulldogs? Robot Bulldogs from the future? They’re not? Oh. Bummer.
WINNER: TIGERS!
Michigan State Spartans vs. Pittsburgh Panthers—Again, I refer you to 300.
WINNER: SPARTANS!
Kentucky Wildcats vs. Cornell Big Red—Wait! Maybe Cornell is named after the soft drink or the chewing gum! Hmmm, still not very formidable either way.
WINNER: WILDCATS!
Miami Hurricanes vs. Texas Longhorns—Okay, hear me out on this one. If Hurricanes were so powerful to destroy all living things, there would be no animals or humans left along the Gulf Coast. But somehow, regular old animals know how to survive even the most harrowing of natural disasters. Sure, some of them perish. But in the end, the Hurricane is gone and the animals survive. Thus…
WINNER: LONGHORNS!
WEST BRACKETMississippi Valley State Delta Devils vs. BYU Cougars—Out in the wild, Cougars think they’re all that. They’ve got a cool grace, a laid-back self-confidence and fangs and claws to boot. What they do NOT have is a natural defense against creatures from the underworld.
WINNER: DELTA DEVILS!
Drake Bulldogs vs. San Diego Toreros—For the second game in a row, the Toreros find themselves facing off with dogs. As with the Mississippi State Bulldogs (see South Bracket above), these are not extraordinary Bulldogs. Not robot Bulldogs. Not poison Bulldogs. Not giant fire-breathing Bulldogs. As a result…
WINNER: TOREROS!
Baylor Bears vs. Xavier Musketeers—Growl! Growl! Bang!
WINNER: MUSKETEERS!
West Virginia Mountaineers vs. Duke Blue Devils—As a Mountaineer, you see a lot of bizarre shit up in the mountains of West Virginia. Shit that would freak out most normal folks. But running into a Blue Devil is weird even by West Virginia standards. Appalachian woods-people might know a thing or two about fighting demons, so this battle would probably be closer than most. Close, but no cigar.
WINNER: BLUE DEVILS!
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