Mascot Madness: A Champion is Crowned!

THIS ALL BEGAN one week ago with a field of 64 hungry and hopeful mascots pitted against one another. They were to fight each other, cage-match style, to the death. Sixty-four quickly became 32. And 32 became 16. And now today, we crown a champion.

EAST BRACKET
Arkansas Razorbacks vs. George Mason Patriots—The Razorbacks’ run ends here. The fully armed Patriots add insult to injury with the post-win barbecue. Mmmmm, delicious pork
ribs!
WINNER: PATRIOTS!

Boise St. Broncos vs. American Eagles—The ponies from Boise St. really thought they had a walk through their bracket, facing nothing but birds in this tournament. But this time they didn’t just run into a bird, they ran into America.
WINNER: EAGLES!

WEST BRACKET
Kansas Jayhawks vs. Clemson Tigers—Sure, these savvy 19th century fighters are used to fighting humans, not wild animals from another part of the globe. But they are armed. Also, did I mention that’s where I went to college?
WINNER: JAYHAWKS!

USC Trojans vs. Davidson Wildcats—Thought you were pretty tough when you were attacking that poor defenseless dog curled up by the fire, didn’t you, Wildcats? (See Round Two.) Did that make you feel like you were indestructible? It did? How do you feel now that you’re facing Brad Pitt wielding a sword and shield? Other than star-struck, that is.
WINNER: TROJANS!

SOUTH BRACKET
Memphis Tigers vs. Michigan State Spartans—Dining in hell, this time on Tiger burgers, etc., etc.
WINNER: SPARTANS!

Kentucky Wildcats vs. Texas Longhorns—It won’t be easy. It won’t be swift. And it won’t be pretty. But because of the deliciousness of steak…
WINNER: WILDCATS!

WEST BRACKET
Mississippi Valley State Delta Devils vs. San Diego Toreros—What Devils and bulls have in common is pointy horns. This may fill the Toreros with confidence. Confidence and a cape: two things that won’t really help you defend yourself against one of Satan’s minions.
WINNER: DELTA DEVILS

Xavier Musketeers vs. Duke Blue Devils—Bang! Bang! Oh crap! Guns aren’t really working against these guys. That’s unfortunate. That’s really our only strategy.
WINNER: BLUE DEVILS

ELITE EIGHT

EAST BRACKET
George Mason Patriots vs. American Eagles—In a fight where America is pitted against America, only America can win. And even though the Eagles have America in their name, they are not men with guns, as the Patriots are. While it is a sad day when America loses, it is a glorious day when America wins!
WINNER: PATRIOTS!


WEST BRACKET
Kansas Jayhawks vs. USC Trojans—One group of warriors versus another. It’s like wondering who would win in a fight between Joe Louis and Muhammad Ali. Except in this case, Joe Louis carries a sword and Ali carries a rifle. Whoops! Not much of a contest, eh?
WINNER: JAYHAWKS!

SOUTH BRACKET
Michigan State Spartans vs. Kentucky Wildcats—You know the drill. This isn't madness. THIS! IS! MICHIGAN STATE!
WINNER: SPARTANS!

WEST BRACKET
Mississippi State Delta Devils vs. Duke Blue Devils—In the Devil vs. Devil battle, one Devil must emerge victorious. Because of my innate fear of Cajuns, I can see this going only one way.
WINNER: DELTA DEVILS!

FINAL FOUR
George Mason Patriots vs. Kansas Jayhawks—I ask you: Who is more patriotic, the man who calls himself a "patriot" or the man who fights for what is right against adversity? It's like the question: Who's cooler, the guy who says he's cool or the guy who just is cool? The answer to both questions is: the guy who went to Kansas.
WINNER: JAYHAWKS!

Mississippi State Delta Devils vs. Michigan State Spartans—If I am to believe the historical documentary film 300, the Spartans frequently dined in hell. Therefore, they will not be freaked out by the sight of Devils, even creepy, inbred Cajun-style ones.
WINNER: SPARTANS!

CHAMPIONSHIP GAME
Kansas Jayhawks vs. vs. Michigan State Spartans—Do I believe that a Civil War era guerrilla fighter could defeat a warrior from 480 BC? I do when those fighters have five future NBA players on the floor and can beat you in the paint or from behind the arc. Even the Oracle at Delphi says, "Jayhawks by 12."
WINNER: JAYHAWKS!

Congratulations, Jayhawks, your mascot is the champion. Now wash your bloodied beak and talons and head over to the Free State Brewery for a celebratory beer. You've earned it.