Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Spam Forty-Four: Still Catching Up

NOT A LOT OF TIME FOR CHIT-CHAT. We’re still behind here at Spam Central. We’ll be caught up in the next couple days. Still owe you another chart.

A suspicious drop in the spam flow this week. Perhaps linked to my tardiness? I would like to think so. Anyhow, I think my feelings for the Chart this week can be summed up by quoting from my favorite spam.
Hi dear,
Watch my tits!

I find your lack of Chart disturbing.

1,113 emails
BMS = 25% (up 5%)

((1/1)) -- 361 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((2/2)) -- 278 Boner Medication (67 VPXL, 14 MaxGain, 13 Penis Patch, 13 WonderCum, 13 LNH Maxdik, 11 Viagra/Cialis, 7 PowerEnlarge, 3 Erectifix)
((3/4)) -- 169 Luxury Replica Watches/Purses
((4/3)) -- 120 Get Out Of Debt/Loan Approval
((5/5)) -- 49 Weight Loss (Anatrim/Phentermine)
((6/9)) -- 20 Human Growth Hormone
((7/10)) -- 19 Pheromones
((8/11)) -- 17 Stop Smoking
((8/13)) -- 17 Foreign Gibberish
((10/6)) -- 13 Online Casino
((11/7)) -- 12 OEM Software
((12/12)) -- 9 Validate Your Identity (2 eBay, 2 CareerBuilder, 2 Wachovia)
((13/8)) -- 8 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((14/15)) -- 5 Online Dating Site
((15/18)) -- 4 Improve Your Health
((16/13)) -- 3 Please Watch This Non-Celebrity Sex Video
((16/15)) -- 3 Buy Designer Footwear
((18/17)) -- 1 Would You Chat With Me? (I Am Lonely & Probably Naked)
((18/19)) -- 1 Some Celebrity Sex Related Link or Zip File
((18/22)) -- 1 Earn Your Degree
((18/26)) -- 1 GPS Trackstick
((18/--)) -- 1 Bigger/Better Boobs
((18/--)) -- 1 Yellowpages.travel Is Here

BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Tough Day in Baseball

FIRST THERE WAS A CONFUSING BASEBALL GAME in which the Arizona Diamondbacks eliminated themselves from playoff contention by (mysteriously) playing themselves -- and losing.

Here's a picture of the disappointed pitcher for the Diamondbacks, after giving up the game-winning run...against the Diamondbacks.

Very disappointing, I'm sure. I mean, it's bad enough to lose to an opponent, but to get beat so badly by your own team, that'll really sting in the off-season.

Then the Philadelphia police evacuated Citizens Bank Park during a Phillies game after finding a suspicious package that turned out to be some hot dogs.

The best line in the whole news story was this one: "Sadly, the wieners were detonated as a precaution."

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Way To Go, You Guys

I DO SOME FREELANCE WORK FREQUENTLY at a television network known as NBC. Perhaps you've heard of it? Anyway, one of the fun things that happens, at least in Burbank (can't speak for the NBC in New York), is that you get to overhear the NBC Pages giving their tour spiel to tourists.

Normally, you hear the same five or ten things being said to the tourists, but recently I heard something I had never heard before. I think it was probably prompted by a question asked by the tour group. You see, at one point in the tour, the tourists are just feet from the NBC commissary. A place that must seem very special and magical to them, because they are not allowed to go there. Not even for an ice-cold beverage.

So, a couple weeks ago, I heard a page say this to a group. "Well, the commissary used to be part of the tour. Until one of you guys went up to one of the stars of Days of Our Lives and bugged her while she was eating. So, we can't go there anymore, because you guys screwed it up."

She kept saying "you guys" as if the people in the tour group were related to or somehow knew the transgressors of the story. Even if the story is true, it's not like it just happened. I've worked there off and on for the last six years and they've never allowed the tour groups into the commissary during that time. But the page in question was so testy with the tour group, as if it happened on her watch (which it couldn't have) or as if these tourists themselves had done it.

Or, better yet, as if "tourists" were a separate class of people (from Gran Tourismo maybe) that had to be punished as a group, like preschoolers who wouldn't settle down. And now nobody got to have Fruit Cup Time.

Way to go, you guys! Good one! Way to ruin it for everyone else!

Monday, September 22, 2008

Spam Forty-Three: Delayed By Laziness

MANY APOLOGIES FOR LEAVING YOU CHART-LESS for so long. I was out of town for over two weeks and...um...there were no Interwebs where I went. That’s possible, right? Sure, that was it. I couldn’t get in to the Googler and it was difficult to blodge. It was terrible. It was like Neanderthal times...or the ‘80s.

But you’ll be glad to know that spam never sleeps. Like that tree in the forest that falls when no one is around, the spam keeps flowing into my inbox whether I count it or not. This week’s wonders included the return of “Hoariness on the salmon!” An odd image that either indicates a boner that is not big enough or a boner that is finally the proper size to “jazz it with the ladies.” Whatever the case, I haven’t been told (warned?) of my potential (impending?) hoariness since Week 13.

This week also marked the debut of two really curious spam categories: Your Internet Access Is Going to Get Suspended (#25) and Selling Fresh Base Info (#22). The former claimed that it had been conducting “regular wiretapping” on its networks and then wend on to say “[We] strongly advise you to stop your activities regarding the illegal downloading of copyrighted material of your internet access will be suspended.” If I wanted proof of this illegal activity, all I had to do was open the conveniently attached zip file. The latter was a price list for what appeared to be stolen credit cards. Very weird on both accounts, but….welcome to the Chart, new friends!

Also, new to the Chart an email with the subject line of “Bitch!” that only contained a zip file titled “Bitch!”

While Some Celebrity Sex Related Link or Zip File is in drastic decline, after peaking at 101 emails just three weeks ago it now manages a meager 5, the good news is Fucktube Is Back (#22). So make sure to order your “welcome back, Fucktube” ice cream cakes from Baskin Robbins early. Those things sell out quick.

I don’t read the Chart...the Chart reads me.

1,807 emails
BMS = 20% (down 2%)

((1/1)) -- 592 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((2/2)) -- 374 Boner Medication (105 VPXL, 68 Viagra/Cialis, 21 Penis Patch, 15 WonderCum, 13 MaxGain, 13 LNH Maxdik, 6 PowerEnlarge, 5 Erectifix)
((3/3)) -- 240 Get Out Of Debt/Loan Approval
((4/4)) -- 193 Luxury Replica Watches/Purses
((5/5)) -- 59 Weight Loss (Anatrim/Phentermine)
((6/8)) -- 58 Online Casino
((7/6)) -- 57 OEM Software
((8/10)) -- 35 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((9/9)) -- 30 Human Growth Hormone
((10/7)) -- 25 Pheromones
((11/11)) -- 23 Stop Smoking
((12/13)) -- 22 Validate Your Identity (4 Wachovia, 3 Colonial Bank, 3 Equifax, 3 eBay)
((13/14)) -- 17 Please Watch This Non-Celebrity Sex Video
((13/18)) -- 17 Foreign Gibberish
((15/16)) -- 11 Online Dating Site
((15/--)) -- 11 Buy Designer Footwear
((17/--)) -- 8 Would You Chat With Me? (I Am Lonely & Probably Naked)
((18/12)) -- 6 Improve Your Health
((19/15)) -- 5 Some Celebrity Sex Related Link or Zip File (2 Angelina)
((19/--)) -- 5 Stock News
((21/18)) -- 4 View Your Suspicious Ecard Online
((22/20)) -- 3 Earn Your Degree
((22/--)) -- 3 Fucktube Is Back!
((22/--)) -- 3 Selling Fresh Base Info
((25/--)) -- 2 Your Internet Access Is Going to Get Suspended (Plus Zip File!)
((26/16)) -- 1 Job Offer/Employee Search
((26/--)) -- 1 Free Dowloadable Porn DVDs
((26/--)) -- 1 GPS Trackstick
((26/--)) -- 1 Zip File Labeled “Bitch!”

BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Friday, September 19, 2008

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Sorry For The Delay...

I KNOW THAT I NORMALLY HAVE MY SPAM CHART UP by Tuesdays, and that it is already Wednesday. I also know that I will not be able to post the Chart even today, because of the TV festival. And for that I apologize to all three of you who look forward to my Spam Chart.

But I didn't want to leave you empty-handed today, so I am at least posting this picture of a cat in a cup.

Enjoy in moderation.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Live Flamingo

SO FAR, THE TELEVISION FESTIVAL HAS BEEN A GOOD TIME. Our pilot screened on Saturday and was very well-received by a room full of people we didn't even know. So that was nice. It screens again on Wednesday at 3:30 p.m. So, if you're here in New York, come by the New World Stages, 340 West 50th Street (between 8th and 9th). The pilot's called Point View Terrace and the screening is free.

But here's the funny part. At this same theater complex, there's a bunch of off-Broadway shows playing, and one of them is this:

Yes, Flamingo Court, "a comedy in three condos," starring Jamie Farr.

So, one day, while waiting to go into the Festival, I was standing by the poster and a small group of 20-somethings had gathered right in front of the poster. And the tallest one of them, a guy, finally noticed the poster and he said something so funny, I had to immediately write it down.

"Wait," he said, staring in disbelief, "wait, that's true? Jamie Farr's in a show?"

There was a pause while one of his friends said something I couldn't hear.

"Like a live show?"

Another pause as something else was said.

"Well, I always have to make sure if he's still alive."

Don't we all, friend. Don't we all.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Live! From New York!

ME AND THE WIFE ARE IN THE BIG APPLE right now, because we shot our own sitcom about a year ago and entered it in this thing called The New York Television Festival. Lucky us, it got accepted to the festival. Hooray!

Here's a trailer for the sitcom:

And here's a behind the scenes look at the production:

And if you happen to be in New York in the next couple days, please stop by and check out the screenings. There are two of them...and they're both FREE!
Saturday, September 13 -- 2:30 p.m.
Wednesday, September 17 -- 3:30 p.m.
@ New World Stages
340 West 50th Street (between 8th and 9th)

Stop by and say hi! We're lonely and crave attention.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Spam Forty-Two: The Answer to the Ultimate Spam

DO-SI-DO AT THE TOP OF THE CHART this week. Two is one. Four is three. Black is white! Boner Meds drop to #2 for only the second time in Chart history as PowerEnlarge, WonderCum, LNH Maxdik & Megadik all disappear without a trace, leaving VPXL the almost uncontested boner champ.

Even with the lack of boner enthusiasm, there was “very important news: Eleven year old scientist discovers masturbation.” Also, there was a great recipe circulated this week, one “for unmatching lofe making.” That’s good news for almost everyone, I think, as I know we all could use help in the “lofe making” department, whether it’s matching or un.

Let’s show this prehistoric Chart how we do things downtown.

1,683 emails
BMS = 22% (down 9%)

((1/2)) -- 390 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((2/1)) -- 370 Boner Medication (73 VPXL, 36 Viagra/Cialis, 33 Penis Patch, 10 Erectifix, 3 MaxGain)
((3/4)) -- 266 Get Out Of Debt/Loan Approval
((4/3)) -- 250 Luxury Replica Watches/Purses
((5/6)) -- 69 Weight Loss (Anatrim/Phentermine)
((6/9)) -- 57 OEM Software
((7/10)) -- 42 Pheromones
((8/7)) -- 39 Online Casino
((9/8)) -- 38 Human Growth Hormone
((10/5)) -- 36 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((11/12)) -- 25 Stop Smoking
((12/14)) -- 18 Improve Your Health
((13/12)) -- 16 Validate Your Identity (4 BoA, 4 eBay, 3 RBC Bank)
((14/15)) -- 13 Please Watch This Non-Celebrity Sex Video or Zip File
((15/10)) -- 11 Some Celebrity Sex Related Link or Zip File (4 Angelina Jolie)
((16/17)) -- 9 Online Dating Site
((16/23)) -- 9 Job Offer/Employee Search
((18/16)) -- 7 View Your Suspicious Ecard Online
((18/18)) -- 7 Foreign Gibberish
((20/19)) -- 4 Earn Your Degree
((20/26)) -- 4 Bigger/Better Boobs
((22/23)) -- 1 Pain Relief
((22/--)) -- 1 Anti-Aging Magnetic Water!
((22/--)) -- 1 Fake Email News Alerts

BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Monday, September 8, 2008

Travels With Boozy

SORRY FOR THE DELAY. I honestly meant to post something earlier, but, in my defense, I am lazy. Also, I have been traveling, which for me means, drinking heavily. Truth be told, I am not a comfortable flier. I'm not as relaxed and at ease as this guy, although I wish I could be.

Normally, before I get on a plane I have a little drinky-poo to ease the tension. Even if my flight is at 11:55 a.m., which means I'm at the airport at 10:40 a.m., I'll hit the sauce a little bit. The wife is no better, the only difference being our drink of choice. She's more of a vodka soda drinker, while I prefer a margarita or gin and tonic.

So, on Thursday, the wife and I found ourselves at LAX at 10:40 a.m., readying ourselves for an 11:55 flight to Kansas City (where my family lives and where we were to play in an improv festival). Of course, by "readying ourselves" I mean self-medicating, with a little friend we call booze. Below is an illustration showing the comparative size of me (on the left) vs. the gin and tonic (on the right) I had before taking my seat on the Southwest flight.

I'd like to think my head isn't that bulbous, but it probably is.

Long story short, I've been too drunk to post. But I promise I'll get back on it in the coming days.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Spam Forty-One: The Baby Hijackers!

SURE, PART OF THE LESSON LEARNED THIS WEEK was about ramming. You haven’t heard about the ramming? Well, according to my spams, there was a survey and “ramming and jamming has been surveyed to be the best way to bang a girl.” But, apparently, it has to be both of them. You can’t just ram and you can’t just jam. You have to do both.

And for most weeks that would be the main thing I talk about, but there was some dramatic breaking news just as I was going to press. (Because that’s what blogs do. They go to press.) I got the following email:
Hey, We have hijacked your baby!
But you must pay once to us $50,000. The details we will send later…
We has attached photo of your fume

Apparently, my “fume” was in the form of a Zip file, which I should probably open if I want my baby to be un-hijacked. I wonder where the kidnappers are going to fly my kidnapped baby. I probably shouldn’t ask questions. I should probably just pay once to them $50,000. I guess I’m just supposed to email it back to them.

Oh wait, maybe this new spam has the answer for me, maybe this latest spam will tell me what to do. Let’s see what it says:
“Thunder fountain!”

Hmmmm. That was less helpful than I thought.

Aww, come on, guys! It’s so simple! Maybe you need a refresher Chart.

1,786 emails
BMS = 31% (up 1%)

((1/1)) -- 558 Boner Medication (113 VPXL, 75 Viagra/Cialis, 27 Megadik, 22 Penis Patch, 15 WonderCum, 13 LNH Maxdik, 10 Erectifix, 8 MaxGain, 5 PowerEnlarge)
((2/2)) -- 400 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((3/3)) -- 248 Luxury Replica Watches/Purses
((4/4)) -- 188 Get Out Of Debt/Loan Approval
((5/8)) -- 81 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((6/7)) -- 43 Weight Loss (Anatrim/Hoodia)
((7/6)) -- 36 Online Casino
((8/11)) -- 31 Human Growth Hormone
((9/10)) -- 27 OEM Software
((10/5)) -- 25 Some Celebrity Sex Related Link or Zip File (10 Paris Hilton, 8 Britney Spears, 3 Angelina Jolie)
((10/8)) -- 25 Pheromones
((12/12)) -- 22 Stop Smoking
((12/14)) -- 22 Validate Your Identity (7 Bank of America)
((14/15)) -- 21 Improve Your Health
((15/16)) -- 11 Please Watch This Non-Celebrity Sex Video
((16/--)) -- 10 View Your Suspicious Ecard Online
((17/21)) -- 9 Online Dating Site
((18/13)) -- 8 Foreign Gibberish
((19/16)) -- 4 Earn Your Degree
((19/--)) -- 4 We Have Hijacked Your Baby (with Zip File)
((21/19)) -- 3 Buy Designer Footwear
((21/--)) -- 3 Stock News
((23/18)) -- 2 Job Offer/Employee Search
((23/--)) -- 2 Pain Relief
((23/--)) -- 2 You’re Invited to Classmates Day
((26/25)) -- 1 Bigger/Better Breasts

BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week