Monday, September 22, 2008

Spam Forty-Three: Delayed By Laziness

MANY APOLOGIES FOR LEAVING YOU CHART-LESS for so long. I was out of town for over two weeks were no Interwebs where I went. That’s possible, right? Sure, that was it. I couldn’t get in to the Googler and it was difficult to blodge. It was terrible. It was like Neanderthal times...or the ‘80s.

But you’ll be glad to know that spam never sleeps. Like that tree in the forest that falls when no one is around, the spam keeps flowing into my inbox whether I count it or not. This week’s wonders included the return of “Hoariness on the salmon!” An odd image that either indicates a boner that is not big enough or a boner that is finally the proper size to “jazz it with the ladies.” Whatever the case, I haven’t been told (warned?) of my potential (impending?) hoariness since Week 13.

This week also marked the debut of two really curious spam categories: Your Internet Access Is Going to Get Suspended (#25) and Selling Fresh Base Info (#22). The former claimed that it had been conducting “regular wiretapping” on its networks and then wend on to say “[We] strongly advise you to stop your activities regarding the illegal downloading of copyrighted material of your internet access will be suspended.” If I wanted proof of this illegal activity, all I had to do was open the conveniently attached zip file. The latter was a price list for what appeared to be stolen credit cards. Very weird on both accounts, but….welcome to the Chart, new friends!

Also, new to the Chart an email with the subject line of “Bitch!” that only contained a zip file titled “Bitch!”

While Some Celebrity Sex Related Link or Zip File is in drastic decline, after peaking at 101 emails just three weeks ago it now manages a meager 5, the good news is Fucktube Is Back (#22). So make sure to order your “welcome back, Fucktube” ice cream cakes from Baskin Robbins early. Those things sell out quick.

I don’t read the Chart...the Chart reads me.

1,807 emails
BMS = 20% (down 2%)

((1/1)) -- 592 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((2/2)) -- 374 Boner Medication (105 VPXL, 68 Viagra/Cialis, 21 Penis Patch, 15 WonderCum, 13 MaxGain, 13 LNH Maxdik, 6 PowerEnlarge, 5 Erectifix)
((3/3)) -- 240 Get Out Of Debt/Loan Approval
((4/4)) -- 193 Luxury Replica Watches/Purses
((5/5)) -- 59 Weight Loss (Anatrim/Phentermine)
((6/8)) -- 58 Online Casino
((7/6)) -- 57 OEM Software
((8/10)) -- 35 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((9/9)) -- 30 Human Growth Hormone
((10/7)) -- 25 Pheromones
((11/11)) -- 23 Stop Smoking
((12/13)) -- 22 Validate Your Identity (4 Wachovia, 3 Colonial Bank, 3 Equifax, 3 eBay)
((13/14)) -- 17 Please Watch This Non-Celebrity Sex Video
((13/18)) -- 17 Foreign Gibberish
((15/16)) -- 11 Online Dating Site
((15/--)) -- 11 Buy Designer Footwear
((17/--)) -- 8 Would You Chat With Me? (I Am Lonely & Probably Naked)
((18/12)) -- 6 Improve Your Health
((19/15)) -- 5 Some Celebrity Sex Related Link or Zip File (2 Angelina)
((19/--)) -- 5 Stock News
((21/18)) -- 4 View Your Suspicious Ecard Online
((22/20)) -- 3 Earn Your Degree
((22/--)) -- 3 Fucktube Is Back!
((22/--)) -- 3 Selling Fresh Base Info
((25/--)) -- 2 Your Internet Access Is Going to Get Suspended (Plus Zip File!)
((26/16)) -- 1 Job Offer/Employee Search
((26/--)) -- 1 Free Dowloadable Porn DVDs
((26/--)) -- 1 GPS Trackstick
((26/--)) -- 1 Zip File Labeled “Bitch!”

BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

1 comment:

Trish Berrong said...

I've started doing Topsy's popcorn tins instead of ice cream cakes. I know it's not REALLY just FEELS helpful.