Saturday, January 31, 2009

Sleep Problems?

ARE YOU HAVING TROUBLE SLEEPING? Do you maybe have sleep apnea?

Or do you just think it's sleep apnea, when it's really an alien attached to your face? The simplest solution is to just look in the mirror, either in the evening or in the morning. If you have this creature on your face:

...then it isn't sleep apnea. It's an alien.

Don't worry though. After a few days, it will just fall off and everything will be back to normal. Feel free to have a big breakfast with your friends. I mean, what's the worst that could happen, right?

Friday, January 30, 2009

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Mission Accomplished?

IT'S ONLY BEEN ONE WEEK, and the supporters and naysayers both agree: the verdict is already in on the Obama presidency! While the Conservative pundits are dusting off their time-tested "we're all going to die" nonsense, Gallup has discovered that the American people think the new guy is already doing a swell job.

So what does it mean?

That's right. Nothing at all. Nice work, news media, you've done it again! Everybody gets a Pulitzer!


Monday, January 26, 2009

Diamond Dave Fun Time!

THIS MAY BE THE BEST THING EVER. It should win an Oscar, a Nobel Peace Prize and a Heisman. In fact, there aren't enough trophies in the world to congratulate this for its greatness. It's like a David Lee Roth choose-your-own-adventure. Or a build-your-own "Running With the Devil."

This is a picture of it.

And this is where you go to waste 30 or 45 minutes.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Modern Romance


Reporter Missteps on Obamas' Love Life - Watch more TV Videos

"They do a lot of touching, a lot of kissing, even fisting with one another!"

Wow! Both of them?

Sad or Hilarious?

CHALK ANOTHER "W" UP for the animals in the ongoing Animals vs. Humans battle.

Your Mouth Choices for 2009!

Not so round
“The Creepy Uncle”
“The Enthusiastic Aunt”
Beloved Pet
Monster (Friendly)

Awkward Grin
Monster (Deadly)
“The Sour Puss”

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Good-Bye, Bush!

IN CASE YOU MISSED PRESIDENT BUSH'S FAREWELL SPEECH, I have transcribed it below for your convenience. You're welcome.

First of all, I’d like to say I’m still the Decider. You didn’t vote me out. I decidered to go. So there. History will prove that’s how it happened. Just wait. You’ll see.

Now that we got that out of the way, how’s everybody doing? Is it warm enough in here? Good, good. Please take advantage of the taco bar. That came outta my pocket. I mean, the tacos didn’t. Heh-heh. That’d be weird. No. I paid for the taco bar. Because I care. I’m compassionate. Also, because I like tacos. Have you tried that taco that’s wrapped in another taco? That’s American ingenuity! You don’t see one of those things in Iraq. Or Canada. You can only get something like that in a free country.

And that’s what I’m talking about today. America is a free country. Full of freedoms. All kinds of freedoms. Big freedoms. Little freedoms. Freedoms that you don’t even know you have until someone tries to take ‘em away. Sneaky freedoms, I call ‘em. But you all still have your freedoms because of what I did. No. You don’t have to thank me. I did it because it’s something that I’m good at. I decided to protect your freedoms. And all those things I DECIDED to do helped you have at least one freedom. In some cases, lots of freedoms. And freedoms may not be free, but they come with rewards.

What kind of rewards? Well, check under your seats. That’s right, you all get a car! You get a car! And you get a car! And you get a car! Heh-heh. I love that one. I guess what I’ll miss the most about not being the President any more is watching that Oper show everyday in my pajamas. She’s so wise. I guess that’s why she married that Barack HUSSEIN fella.

What? That’s a different lady? My bad. I have trouble tellin’ those folks apart. Whoa! Take it easy! Now, now, don’t get all upset. By “those folks” I mean “celebrities.” Like Brad Pitt or Jay Leno or Batman. Not regular folks like you and me. Sure, I’m just a regular guy. I helicopter into work just like everybody else. My butler puts my pants on both legs at a time just like regular folks do…in my silver-plated pants closet. I like it in there. It’s so quiet. And it echoes real nice. I do karaoke in there sometimes with Condi. “Islands in the Stream”, “Paradise by the Dashboard Light”, “Ebony & Ivory”, yeah, we got a lot of favorites.

Where was I?

Oh right, Hot Pockets! You all get Hot Pockets today. Just show your press pass to the Marines at the door and they’ll hand you your complimentary Hot Pockets. Please, though, only one per person. I’m not made of Hot Pockets. That’d be pretty cool though, wouldn’t it? If I were a giant Hot Pocket? Kids would really love me then. And everybody would be trying to get a taste of my flaky crust or warm gooey center. Good luck! Not with the Secret Service around, you don’t! They’re sworn to protect President Hot Pocket! Heh-heh.

In conclusion, I was a great president. Also, you’re welcome. It may not seem like I was great, but trust me, I did a great job. And I should know, because I was there. You weren’t, so you don’t know. But there I was, watching me make those decisions and doing those things, and guess what, I did all right. I was probably the best president ever. Heh-heh. But that’s not for me to decide. Or for you to decide. It’s for history to decide. And if history knows what’s good for it, history will tell you I was good.

I'd love to take questions, but you people have always given me the creeps. So instead, I'll just moonwalk out of the room. It's not something I know how to do, but I just decided to do it.

Mission accomplished!

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

The Paper Record Of

WHOOPS NEW YORK TIMES. Just whoops. From yesterday's online version of The New York Times:

Are you Big of Science? You are? But are you the New Kind?

Sadly, today they have made the correction.

Thanks to my wife for giving me the heads up.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009


ON OCCASION, I HAVE WEIRD DREAMS. They're never eerily prescient or anything like that. They're just weird. Like, for instance, a few weeks ago I had a dream about Tom Hanks. Luckily, I jotted down what I could recall of the dream right after I woke up. It went a little something like this.

So I’m sitting at a bar just chatting up the bartender, and someone brings up the movie Forrest Gump.” And I say, “Have you seen it lately though? It’s not that great.”

And the guy next to me says, “I don’t know, I think it’s a pretty good film.” The guy next to me is, of course, Tom Hanks.

So I try to do damage control and I say, “Don’t get me wrong, you were fantastic in it. You were great. Just some of it was a little corny and doesn’t hold up.”

And Tom Hanks says, “Well, I like it.”

“I do too!” I say, because, obviously, I want to win over Tom Hanks. Who wouldn’t want to be buddies with Tom Hanks? “I do too! Especially the parts on the island. I mean, the parts on the island are unbelievable. You were amazing in those scenes.”

Tom Hanks doesn’t look at me. He’s staring off in the distance with a wistful look on his face. And I’m still trying to press my case. Not realizing that I’m now talking about Castaway, not Forrest Gump at all. Also, right about now, I realize my barstool isn’t a stool at all, but a chair of ordinary height. So Tom Hanks towers above me and I have to crane my neck uncomfortably to talk to him. But I try to pretend I’m not uncomfortable, that the chair and the fact that I put my foot in my mouth haven’t made me uncomfortable at all.

“Where did you shoot that by the way?" I continue. "Where was the island?”

We had all been having a conversation up to this point—me, Tom Hanks, the bartender, some other people at the bar. But they’ve all disengaged now to leave me to be a total ass all by myself. Tom Hanks in fact has turned away from the bar and is still staring off, and now I realize that he’s not listening to me. He’s listening to the radio, like an old timey AM radio, with the white single earbud. And I know he’s listening to the USC game, because everyone knows Tom Hanks is a huge USC fan.

Then, just as I realize that, Tom Hanks and I are at the USC game. USC is playing Baylor in, what essentially looks like a community rec center. It’s sort of like a big barn of a place, but not nearly big enough to contain a whole football field, much less a football field plus fans. And the concrete floor is covered with a thin, thin layer of green carpet, that, I suppose is subbing in for actual astro turf. The game, while played by a bunch of football players, doesn’t look much like a football game. It’s kind of a barely organized game of grabass. Also, USC looks to be coached by a six-foot-four, 23-year-old girl.

Then a guy runs out and shouts out some awkward rhetorical question to the crowd. The crowd, by the way only numbers in the couple of hundreds and we’re just milling around near the game as there are no bleachers. The watching of the game is as much of a grabass situation as the game itself, it seems.

So this guy shouts out some awkward double entendre of a question to the crowd, something that obviously he hopes will result in a big cheer from the crowd. I wish I could remember what he said, but I can’t. But whatever the question is strikes both me and Tom Hanks as funny and we start laughing. And I say to Tom, “Please call on me. Let me answer.” And we laugh and laugh. And I'm relieved. I feel like Tom Hanks has finally warmed up to me.

The dream goes a little haywire at that point and makes even less sense.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Don't Freak Out!


The answer may scare me? A number? There's a scary number now?

Trouble Near Uranus

AND YOU THOUGHT YOUR NEW YEAR WAS OFF TO A BAD START. An elderly woman in Germany is suing a hospital after she checked in for an operation on her leg...and woke up with a new anus. It was unclear in the story whether she was given an additional anus or a new one. The former seems unlikely and therefore more hilarious.

The question that immediately comes to mind, for me anyway, is whether the "new anus" was surgically created or an actual transplant. I've never heard of an anus transplant before, but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

It's a pretty big mixup, especially for the precise and orderly Germans. I know when I had some minor surgery on my leg a few years back that I had to literally write "OK" on my left leg near where they were to operate, to indicate to the surgeon just what was expected of him. And maybe they do that in Germany too. Of course, writing "OK" next to your own anus is not an easy task. Especially if you're expected to write legibly.

Friday, January 9, 2009

Rejected Ad Copy

A holocaust of savings!
If you can find a better deal, I’ll fuck your mother!
Makes hair 35% more delicious!
Fortified with delicious heroin!
May cause stomach tornadoes!
Not for retards!
Try to grab a coupon from our savings cougar!
All our merchandise is gypsy-free!
Every sandwich contains a human hair!
A free pancake with every shoe!
Guaranteed to cause cancer!
Don’t buy from the competition—they’re pedophiles!

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Congratulations, Mississippi!

NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, you'll always have this honor:

No one can take that away from you. And, New Hampshire, your low teen birthrate is embarrassing. Get with the program, nerds! You'll never be popular until you put out!

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Cause & Effect

THE PROBLEM IS AS FOLLOWS. First the pandas did this:

And I don't know what that is exactly, but it is certainly unnatural. Also, They did it in front of the children (who are our future, if you'll recall). Which is totally unacceptable, even if they're doing it in the snow, in a zoo. Whatever that is, it's definitely NOT a learning experience. It might be adorable. But I'm pretty sure it's still wrong.

Why do I think that?

Oh, I'll tell you why. Because after the pandas did that, this happened:

See? Let that be a lesson to all you zoo animals. Keep it clean and wholesome. Cut out the freaky stuff. Especially in China. Where you will be jailed for your aberrant shit faster than you can say "there's melamine in my cat food!"

According to the lastest news, the pandas are scheduled to be executed within the week.