Good-Bye, Bush!

IN CASE YOU MISSED PRESIDENT BUSH'S FAREWELL SPEECH, I have transcribed it below for your convenience. You're welcome.

First of all, I’d like to say I’m still the Decider. You didn’t vote me out. I decidered to go. So there. History will prove that’s how it happened. Just wait. You’ll see.

Now that we got that out of the way, how’s everybody doing? Is it warm enough in here? Good, good. Please take advantage of the taco bar. That came outta my pocket. I mean, the tacos didn’t. Heh-heh. That’d be weird. No. I paid for the taco bar. Because I care. I’m compassionate. Also, because I like tacos. Have you tried that taco that’s wrapped in another taco? That’s American ingenuity! You don’t see one of those things in Iraq. Or Canada. You can only get something like that in a free country.

And that’s what I’m talking about today. America is a free country. Full of freedoms. All kinds of freedoms. Big freedoms. Little freedoms. Freedoms that you don’t even know you have until someone tries to take ‘em away. Sneaky freedoms, I call ‘em. But you all still have your freedoms because of what I did. No. You don’t have to thank me. I did it because it’s something that I’m good at. I decided to protect your freedoms. And all those things I DECIDED to do helped you have at least one freedom. In some cases, lots of freedoms. And freedoms may not be free, but they come with rewards.

What kind of rewards? Well, check under your seats. That’s right, you all get a car! You get a car! And you get a car! And you get a car! Heh-heh. I love that one. I guess what I’ll miss the most about not being the President any more is watching that Oper show everyday in my pajamas. She’s so wise. I guess that’s why she married that Barack HUSSEIN fella.

What? That’s a different lady? My bad. I have trouble tellin’ those folks apart. Whoa! Take it easy! Now, now, don’t get all upset. By “those folks” I mean “celebrities.” Like Brad Pitt or Jay Leno or Batman. Not regular folks like you and me. Sure, I’m just a regular guy. I helicopter into work just like everybody else. My butler puts my pants on both legs at a time just like regular folks do…in my silver-plated pants closet. I like it in there. It’s so quiet. And it echoes real nice. I do karaoke in there sometimes with Condi. “Islands in the Stream”, “Paradise by the Dashboard Light”, “Ebony & Ivory”, yeah, we got a lot of favorites.

Where was I?

Oh right, Hot Pockets! You all get Hot Pockets today. Just show your press pass to the Marines at the door and they’ll hand you your complimentary Hot Pockets. Please, though, only one per person. I’m not made of Hot Pockets. That’d be pretty cool though, wouldn’t it? If I were a giant Hot Pocket? Kids would really love me then. And everybody would be trying to get a taste of my flaky crust or warm gooey center. Good luck! Not with the Secret Service around, you don’t! They’re sworn to protect President Hot Pocket! Heh-heh.

In conclusion, I was a great president. Also, you’re welcome. It may not seem like I was great, but trust me, I did a great job. And I should know, because I was there. You weren’t, so you don’t know. But there I was, watching me make those decisions and doing those things, and guess what, I did all right. I was probably the best president ever. Heh-heh. But that’s not for me to decide. Or for you to decide. It’s for history to decide. And if history knows what’s good for it, history will tell you I was good.

I'd love to take questions, but you people have always given me the creeps. So instead, I'll just moonwalk out of the room. It's not something I know how to do, but I just decided to do it.

Mission accomplished!