Clearing Things Up

I'M A LITTLE CONFUSED, so I hope it's okay to ask a simple question.

Is this how sex works?

Lars & the Real Lap

ADMITTEDLY, THIS IS OLD NEWS, but I just came across it today during the most innocent of Google image searches, one containing only the word "pillow." On the first page of returned images, second row down, I saw this image of an older Asian man sleeping on the lower torso of a lady in a skirt.

Why, it's the perfect gift for the serial killer who has everything! It's part of a lady! The best part, her lap!

As you can see, there are two options, black miniskirt and red miniskirt, and at about $100, it's a bargain. And it's not just for perverts. And by that I mean, it's not for perverts at all. Right, Makoto Igarashi?

"We created this item to help tired people relax," said Igarashi, the creepy lap pillow maker's managing director.

Sure. "Tired" people. Wink, wink. Like that "tired" guy in the trench coat on the subway? The guy with his hands in his pockets who just moans and stares, because he's so tired? That guy?

Also, wait a second: "to help tired people relax?" Not sleep -- relax. I guess most people have regular pillows to sleep on. What they really need, especially if they're really tired, is a different kind of pillow solely made for relaxation.

Also, wait another second: people? Are you sure you don't just mean men? I'm not entirely convinced that women of all ages also find it relaxing to put their heads in the free-floating laps of young ladies.

But the company is convinced of the product's wholesomeness, even as they explain the attention paid to details such as the softness of the thighs, panty lines on the pillow's "backside" and wrinkles in the lap of the skirt so as to make the pillow look and feel as real as possible. Because, if you're a "tired person," panty lines on the backside of your pillow might make it impossible for you to relax.

I just like to imagine the reaction of a single woman who goes to her new boyfriend's apartment for the first time and finds one of these pillows in front of the TV. I like to think that the woman is at first startled, thinking that she's seeing half of an actual person, and so she screams bloody murder.

"Whoa, whoa, calm down," the boyfriend says, chuckling knowingly. "I know what you're thinking, but I haven't chopped a woman in half and kept her legs and hips in my living room. It's actually a pillow...for tired people to...you know...relax."

They both share a laugh...and then the girlfriend runs out of the apartment screaming.

I also like to think of a family at Christmas, and someone has gotten dad this pillow. He opens it and the room falls silent, as everyone looks at each other. Finally, someone breaks the silence, "What the fuck is that?"

Then the mother begins to cry.

See? It's the perfect gift!

Nan's Saddlebags

THE INTERNET IS AWESOME! Take, for instance this "review" of the Los Angeles restaurant Birds I found on Citysearch. It was posted on November 30 by Spiralgrl52 under the headline, "Always a booty call":

If you're in desperate need of booty call, Birds is the place to go. Generally you want to go Wednesday through Saturday, and definitely get there by the start of happy hour. Then you want to look for a dark Asian girl with a saddlebag derriere and a flat chest named Nan. She is a regular (but not like the local neighborhood regulars...she drives an hour each night to get to Birds) who likes to introduce new customers to the bar, as well as her licentious body and dances on the bar pretty much every night in clothes most likely bought at the lewd clothing boutiques on Hollywood Blvd. Typically, this is how it goes. You can just meet her, get her completely drunk, bring her home, and have what you would consider mediocre fornication, but hey! It's an easy lay, and it's for free! It definitely balances out the amount of money you might spend on booze, and the food (which is relatively decent). Definitely give it a try........it's as easy as 1, 2, 3!

Poor Nan. It isn't bad enough that she is flat-chested and has a saddlebag derriere, she's also only capable of mediocre fornication. It's very sad.