Sunday, December 30, 2007

Sometimes It's The Writing...

...BUT SOMETIMES IT'S THE PERFORMANCE. This is a perfect example of something that could have totally failed in the hands of a less capable comedic actor. It is also my new favorite thing.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Spam-A-Lot, Week 6

THE SIXTH WEEK OF THE WATCH was a week in which I was told "all mens need this." The "this" was of course Boner Medication, which maintained its stranglehold on the top spot. This week also featured an email from an Online Casino (cracking the Top 5 this week) which proclaimed "When YOU WIN, we win!" Very comforting words from a casino, I think. At least they're honest in telling me that they win no matter what the outcome.

Six categories dropped off the chart this week: Earn Your Degree, Legal Pot, View Your Kitty Card, Tax Refund from IRS, Bank Scam, and Holiday Shopping For Your Loved Ones, the last of which entered the Top 10 last week.

New on the chart are Would You Like to Chat? (debuting at #8 with the recurrent theme of "I'm a lonely twenty-something girl who's bored tonight"), Get Approved, The World Book Is Here and the ominous Here Is The Video which arrived with a zip file attached and a message that read, in part, "Here is the video of this patient interrogation / cross-examination. I think he doesn't say everything."

I missed my Chart!

337 emails
BMS = 53% (up 4%)

((1/1)) -- 177 Boner Medication (57 MegaDick, 39 Viagra/Cialis)
((2/5)) -- 37 Foreign Gibberish (5 German)
((3/2)) -- 30 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((4/3)) -- 25 OEM Software
((5/10)) -- 15 Online Casino
((6/4)) -- 13 Rolex/Luxury Watches
((7/10)) -- 6 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((7/6)) -- 6 Weight Loss (Hoodia Gordonii) (2 Anatrim)
((8/--)) -- 5 Would You Like to Chat?
((9/14)) -- 4 Personal Pussy (Personal Puss!)
((9/14)) -- 4 Bigger/Better Boobs
((11/10)) -- 3 Validate Your Identity (eBay, PayPal, etc.)
((12/8)) -- 2 Stock News
((12/17)) -- 2 Stop Smoking
((13/7)) -- 1 Employee Search
((13/--)) -- 1 Improve Your Health
((13/14)) -- 1 Human Growth Hormone
((13/14)) -- 1 Porn Sites
((13/17)) -- 1 Pheromones
((13/--)) -- 1 Get Approved
((13/--)) -- 1 The World Book Is Here
((13/--)) -- 1 Here Is The Video (w/attachment)

BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Death by Chipmunk

I JUST READ that Alvin & the Chipmunks did what is known as "boffo box office" in its opening weekend -- to the tune of $45 million. Forty-fucking-five million! In real American dollars!

Earlier in this blog, I had mentioned how just watching the trailer for the movie made me feel (spoiler alert: suicidal!). Now that I've seen how America is embracing this movie, I probably should just pull the car into the garage and start 'er up.

If only I had a garage.

Somehow I don't feel like sitting in my idling car on the street in front of my apartment will have the same effect. But maybe going to see The Bucket List will be the same as breathing car exhaust.

If that doesn't do it, there's always P.S. I Love You.

Friday, December 14, 2007

There's Irony...And Then There's Irony

WHILE PUTTING SOME NEW TUNES IN MY COMPUTER, I came across this odd bit of info. One of the songs on the Rock Instrumental Classics, Vol. 3 disc I uploaded was "Rock & Roll, Part 2", the formerly ubiquitous sports stadium anthem by Gary Glitter. So I did a search on Glitter (to upload the album art to go with the song) and found something ironic.

"Rock & Roll, Part 2" was played at virtually every sporting event, professional or college level, in virtually every town for years -- that is, until Glitter (whose real name is Paul Gadd) was convicted on child pornography charges in 1999, and then (as if that wasn't enough) child sexual abuse charges in 2005. Long story short: Glitter is a totally awesome guy, right? Once those unsavory details surfaced, most sports franchises decided, "Maybe we should stop playing this song to get the crowd riled up."

Most sports franchises did that. Some did not. And here's where the irony comes in.

According to (the notoriously accurate) Wikipedia, among the teams still playing "Rock & Roll, Part 2" during games is the NHL team in Nashville. What's the name of that team?

The Predators, of course!

Go Predators!

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Spam-A-Lot, Week 5

THERE IS NO WEEK 5. There never was. I don't even know what you're talking about. It's like the 13th floor of a building: it just doesn't exist. Naturally, we'll go from Week 4 to Week 6. Why would that be weird?

It doesn't mean that I deleted a bunch of spam emails and thus was unable to report on Week 5. Of course it doesn't mean that! Why would you even think that? It means something completely different. In fact, it doesn't mean anything at all.

Stop thinking about it. Thinking will just make you unattractive.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Spam-A-Lot, Week 4

SPAM IS BACK AND IT'S BETTER THAN EVER, as Week 4 of the Chart saw the highest number of useless emails yet -- nearly 500! That's a lot of crap! Several Chart favorites returned to the fold (Human Growth Hormone, Personal Pussy and Bigger/Better Boobs to name three). Holiday traffic jacked up the Rolex/Luxury Watches spam to its highest overall total (51) and highest spot on the chart (#4) yet.

New to the chart this week are Holiday Shopping For Your Loved Ones at #8 and Bank Scam (Nigerian & otherwise) way down on the bottom of the chart. Tax Refund from IRS, Improve Your Health and View Your Kitty Card were absent for the second straight week, and Legal Pot, which made its chart debut last week, albeit weakly in last place, also disappeared.

Sadly, the only notable subject line this week was “it’s not a secret that hotties are mad about strong and long sausages.” Let's hope next week brings a more fertile crop of those babies, am I right?

Viva la Chart!

494 emails (up 52%)
BMS=49% (down 11%)

((1/1)) -- 243 Boner Medication (91 MegaDick, 68 Viagra/Cialis)
((2/3)) -- 59 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((3/2)) -- 58 OEM Software
((4/5)) -- 51 Rolex/Luxury Watches
((5/4)) -- 42 Foreign Gibberish
((6/10)) -- 6 Weight Loss (Hoodia Gordonii & Anatrim)
((7/10)) -- 5 Employee Search
((8/9)) -- 4 Stock News
((8/--)) -- 4 Holiday Shopping For Your Loved Ones
((10/--)) -- 3 Online Casino
((10/6)) -- 3 Validate Your Identity (confirm w/eBay, PayPal, etc.)
((10/7)) -- 3 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((10/8)) -- 3 Earn Your Degree
((14/--)) -- 2 Human Growth Hormone
((14/--)) -- 2 Personal Pussy (Personal Puss!)
((14/--)) --2 Bigger/Better Boobs
((17/--)) -- 1 Porn Sites
((17/--)) -- 1 Stop Smoking
((17/--)) -- 1 Pheromones
((17/--)) -- 1 Bank Scam (Nigerian & otherwise)

BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Monday, December 3, 2007


I JUST SAW THE TRAILER for the Alvin & the Chipmunks movie. And now I want to kill myself.

The two things might not be related. But I'm not convinced.