Monday, February 23, 2009

Wherein the Shiny is Explained, Part 2

You might want to read Part 1 first, but then again, maybe not. What the hell do I know?

WHEN LAST WE SAW OUR MUSTACHE HERO, he was swinging free of the sinking Mustache Ride, only to end up in the water himself. One would assume that a swashbuckling hero like our Mustache Hero would be able to swim, but that was not the case. Being totally awesome is on his resume, treading water is not.

In a weird coincidence, our Mustache Hero’s lifeless body is found by the Pretty Lady.

It’s a little weird because she finds his body in a forest near Bar Harbor, Maine – the next fall.

Naturally, our Mustache Hero is no different. He is, in fact, allowed through the pearly gates. Which don’t seem so pearly as much as concrete. But I guess if you make it into heaven, it’s poor taste to split hairs like that.

Once there, he celebrates by touching a woman’s hand.

That turns out to be a huge mistake, as it causes his chest to explode in a burst of white light.

Frightened by his luminescent chest, the Ice Princess retreats to space, which is filled with nothing but stars and wind machines.

Meanwhile, back in the graveyard (where the Shrouded Woman with the Dire Wolf Penis Bone lives), the Three Witches appear with the Lantern of Additional Punishment.

The main witch decides NOT to scream (for once), apparently knowing that simply shining the Lantern of Additional Punishment will cause a chain reaction in heaven.

Unfortunately, it's not the good kind of chain reaction, like the Keanu Reeves movie of the same name. Instead, it’s a bad chain reaction that explodes the shit out of heaven, further killing our Mustache Hero.

But our Mustache Hero accepts his fiery fate by giving the explosion a big hug. By the way, don’t make the mistake of thinking this is Jesus imagery. Because it’s not. It’s mustache imagery. Which is like Jesus imagery, only like way cooler.

Back on earth, it’s total chaos, as in three things happen at once. An army attacks a castle, Iron Face returns in a ball of fire and the Screaming Witch returns to her screaming ways in time to give the order to blow shit up.

Sure enough, shit blows up.

This wakes up the dragons, who attack the burning castle. Probably because dragons are such assholes and that’s just the sort of thing they do for kicks.

At that point, the Three Witches go out for a joyride in their horse-drawn carriage. You know, why not get a firsthand look at all the shit blowing up and burning? Sure it smells all burn-y and whatnot, but it probably looks pretty awesome. Honestly though, the youngest witch totally thinks this idea is super lame. But she’s out-voted 2-to-1, so what can you do?

Now, the natural order really starts to break down: dragons attack the moon…

Two dogs run into the woods…

The flying skeleton people develop a serious case of fire-mouth…

And, worst of all, the Three Witches suddenly decide to re-open their terrible modern art museum. What's next a Poetry Slam? Seriously, Witches. Your taste in the fine arts leaves a lot to be desired!

To top it all off, Iron Face kidnaps the Pretty Lady, who has passed out, probably from the lack of oxygen. What with everything flammable either blowing up or burning.

Unfortunately, that really makes the alligator angry.

And then the dragons blow up a mountain.

But wait! Just when you thought you got rid of Mustache Hero by killing him and then blowing up heaven – KA-BOOM! – he explodes his way out of being double-dead. What the eff? Oh yeah, it’s totally happening! No one saw it coming, least of all the dragons.

So, the dragons send their angriest dragon to attack our Mustache Hero, forgetting one important fact about him: he’s way beyond awesome.

He’s so awesome he leaps off a cliff to escape the fireball.

And…apparently…um…he has a weird acid flashback or something? Or maybe he looks into a kaleidoscope? Whatever the case...moving on!

Back in the Ice Kingdom, the Normally Screaming Witch has changed into her pilates garb and decided to do a magic fire dance for Iron Face. He’s really put in an awkward position as he just stopped by to alert her that our Mustache Hero has survived dying, heaven exploding and a dragon attack. But now he's like, sheesh, how long is this weird dance going to go on? It’s totally awkward, because they used to date and this makes it completely obvious that she’s hitting on him.

The magic fire dance allows Chris Martin From Coldplay time to get into the Ice Castle, where he punches out a guard.

This gives our Mustache Hero the perfect opening to leap over Iron Face. It seems gratuitous and flashy, but for some reason it works.

In another questionable fight strategy, Chris Martin From Coldplay casually throws his dagger at the Three Witches.

And they just do a dance routine around it, as if to mock his completely ridiculous fight strategy. And they have a point. I mean, why would you throw your only weapon at your opponents when there are three of them? Even if you are lucky enough to hit one of them, there are still two Witches left and now you've got a big fat nothing to fight with.

But we don’t have time to go into that at this point in the video. We’re in the home stretch! Only a minute to go! And besides, someone just dropped a wooden box into a fiery pit! Oh my god! What was in the box? We’ll never know, because it is immediately consumed by fire!

Thank goodness our Mustache Hero is reunited with Chris Martin From Coldplay, That One Guy From The Ads and somebody’s dad we’ve never seen before. Turns out that last guy is just here to drive the other two guys home. It’s embarrassing, but they live in their dad’s basement.

Meanwhile, near a waterfall in Brazil, the Pretty Lady waits with her Magic Book, the one the Ice Princess gave her two minutes ago.

While she waits there, she remembers the forest where she built Stonehenge by herself. That was a really productive summer. If she makes it out of this crisis alive, she’s totally going to try to get that focused again. Not that she’d build another Stonehenge. That would be stupid. But maybe she’ll scrapbook or something.

Back at the waterfall, our Mustache Hero has arrived, while down below the Pretty Lady watches a tiny version of him in a magic bubble. Sometimes, this is what passes for romance, people. Get used to it.

Later, in Africa, our Mustache Hero and his Pretty Lady are reunited under a Big Tree. It's pretty, but it's still over 100 in the shade.

Normally, they would stay in Africa for a while to go on a safari or something, but there’s no time for that. The people of the kingdom have planned a big costume ball.

After which, the people of the kingdom further celebrate by destroying the orbiting Death Star.

The Pretty Lady is then crowned queen...

In a ceremony only attended by empty suits of armor. This, of course, begs the question: Where is our Mustache Hero?

Fearing the ceremony would be boring (and being totally right about that), our Mustache Hero got on his horse to go take a look at all the shit that got blown up. It’s not the greatest idea, but it’s waaaay better than a boring coronation, right?

Well, this doesn’t sit very well with Queen Pretty Lady and she lets the world know it by staring into the middle distance.

Meanwhile, our Mustache Hero finds his way past the ruins to the port. Where, surprise! The Mustache Ride has been resurrected. Just as you can’t kill the Mustache Hero, you cannot permanently sink his Ride.

Our Mustache Hero kisses his Pretty Lady, who has surprised him by stowing away on The Mustache Ride. She forgives him for ditching her at her own coronation, after all.

It’s a love affair that even the Ice Princess can approve of…even though she is both dead and in space.

Space then explodes. Everything is incredibly volatile here, apparently.

The destruction of the known universe only makes our Mustache Hero and his Pretty Lady hornier. And their kissing gets more and more awkward.

But then – WHOOPS! – surprise ending! Our Mustache Hero has pulled the old switcheroo! Just like in The Prestige! He’s still on the shore watching The Mustache Ride sail away! Oh, snap! Bet you didn't see that coming, huh?

So, what’s the lesson of the story? It’s quite simple really:

Of course that's the lesson! What else could it be?

If you have any further questions (I can't imagine you do, but if so), please leave them in the comments section.

Thank you. And you're welcome.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Wherein the Shiny is Explained, Part 1

BY NOW, YOU HAVE PROBABLY WATCHED THE MOST AWESOME VIDEO EVER. But if you haven't, here's the video I'm talking about, "Shine On Me" by Chris Dane Owens.

There has been a lot of talk about this video on the web, but no one has really explained the "story" being told. As I feel I'm the only one on the planet who understands what is going on, I would like to enlighten you.

As the opening titles explain, this tale takes place in “a time of darkness, a time of light.” It is a “crusade" of love centered around our Mustache Hero.

At the beginning of our story, our Mustache Hero has gone to find his Pretty Lady, in her forest home. She lives in the forest. Not in a house, just in the forest.

To clarify, our Mustache Hero arrived earlier that day on his ship, The Mustache Ride. He sailed many days and nights to meet his Pretty Lady so that they could do some of the things they love the most.

Like staring at the middle distance together.

They do all kinds of fun stuff with his horse too. Sometimes, she rides the horse while he walks ahead.

Other times, they walk together ahead of the horse.

And, when they are in the mountains, they both ride the horse. But only when they are in the mountains.

Anyway, back in a sunny grove, near where the Pretty Lady lives, the lovers make the mistake many young lovers do: they run together from a distance. Rather, she runs to him.

Either way, this does not sit well with the universe as our Mustache Hero must then fight a wall of angry sparks.

This heralds the coming of the Three Witches who arrive with swords.

While our Mustache Hero is off in some soundstage somewhere fighting the sparks, his Pretty Lady is back in the sunny grove, where she is surprised by a dark stranger who grabs her sword tip…if you know what I mean.

His mustache tingles, letting him know the Pretty Lady in trouble, and our Mustache Hero runs to her aid.

This angers Iron Face (who lives in fire), one of the Three Witches (who screams) and a Ghostly Woman in a graveyard who carries what looks like a dire wolf penis bone.

For comparison, here is a dire wolf penis bone, or baculum. (This image is NOT from the video.)

Once the fight begins, we see it is Iron Face who has grabbed the Pretty Lady’s sword tip.

This really pisses off our Mustache Hero.

Their swords clash so hard, local ponies are startled by the noise.

In the first of many questionable fight strategies, our Mustache Hero eschews the use of his sword in favor of punching Iron Face in his iron face.

Surprisingly enough, this works, and our Mustache Hero and his Pretty Lady run to safety.

To recap: So far this story is about (l to r) a Pretty Lady, her Mustache Hero and some Ice Queen we haven’t met yet. It’s called foreshadowing, people! Keep up with Chris Dane Owens.

Meanwhile in the Ice Kingdom, Three Angels walk across an unfrozen lake carrying the Candles of Hope.

This is the Ice Queen, who was so recently foreshadowed, and her entourage.

Back in the sunny grove, our Mustache Hero and his Pretty Lady have stopped to enjoy the sunset with an awkward kiss.

Cut to, the Ice Kingdom! (Or the Rockies.)

Where our Mustache-y couple must run through a frozen forest.

Whoops! Maybe they aren’t there at all. Maybe they’re still in the grove filled with the regrets of their lives so far.

No wait! That's not it at all. In a surprise move, our Mustache Hero travels to the Dragon Castle. It's a castle surrounded by flying dragons. Thus the name. It used to be called O'Flaherty Castle, back when old man O'Flaherty owned it, and before the dragon infestation. But that was many years ago. Most people know it as Dragon Castle. The lesson here is don't live in the past.

Inside Dragon Castle, the Three Witches offer our Mustache Hero a sword.

Which he admires.

The youngest Witch, however, still thinks he’s kind of a douche.

Our Mustache Hero decides to spend a little time in the blue room testing out the sword. You know, you don't want to commit to the sword without giving it the once over. The last thing you want is to make a hasty decision and then end up with some stupid sword you hate.

After brief swordplay, our Mustache Hero falls in love with his sword.

The love of his sword reminds our Mustache Hero of a better time.

Specifically, it reminds him of the Revolutionary War.

But it also reminds him of his three favorite people: himself, Chris Martin From Coldplay and The Guy From Those Ads.

He realizes the only way he can clear these images from his mind is to cross the bridge into the Ice Kingdom.

It is there he finds his sled (The Mustache Ride II) and his Pretty Lady. He loves riding in the sled. Obviously, she’d rather they take the car.

After a quick scene from Amadeus...

The Ice Queen gives the Pretty Lady a Magic Book.

The Magic Book is totally magical, which neither woman seems that impressed by. They're both like, "Yeah, the book glows. I know. It's still kind of boring, right?"

Back on The Mustache Ride (the ship, not the sled), our Mustache Hero sails away, this time in the opposite direction.

Our Mustache Hero has got shit to do, people. He cannot be bothered with the pros and cons of the Magic Book. There's a battle (or something) to fight.

His best friend, Chris Martin From Coldplay, gives the order.

And a boat from an episode of Magnum, P.I. explodes.

The explosion wakes the Three Witches up. And you just know that's not going to end up well. First of all, they're witches. Secondly, you woke them from their slumber. So that makes them, like, doubly witch-y.

As predicted, the Three Witches stand in a line and simultaneously use their combined witch-y powers to shoot lightning at The Mustache Ride.

The lightning doesn’t strike The Mustache Ride, but it comes close enough to crack the boat in half.

As his Mustache Ride sinks, our Mustache Hero swings free of the wreckage and drops into the water.

Where he sinks like a stone.

Tune in tomorrow, for the second half of the story! You just won't believe the crazy shit that happens!