Sunday, February 22, 2009

Wherein the Shiny is Explained, Part 1

BY NOW, YOU HAVE PROBABLY WATCHED THE MOST AWESOME VIDEO EVER. But if you haven't, here's the video I'm talking about, "Shine On Me" by Chris Dane Owens.

There has been a lot of talk about this video on the web, but no one has really explained the "story" being told. As I feel I'm the only one on the planet who understands what is going on, I would like to enlighten you.

As the opening titles explain, this tale takes place in “a time of darkness, a time of light.” It is a “crusade" of love centered around our Mustache Hero.

At the beginning of our story, our Mustache Hero has gone to find his Pretty Lady, in her forest home. She lives in the forest. Not in a house, just in the forest.

To clarify, our Mustache Hero arrived earlier that day on his ship, The Mustache Ride. He sailed many days and nights to meet his Pretty Lady so that they could do some of the things they love the most.

Like staring at the middle distance together.

They do all kinds of fun stuff with his horse too. Sometimes, she rides the horse while he walks ahead.

Other times, they walk together ahead of the horse.

And, when they are in the mountains, they both ride the horse. But only when they are in the mountains.

Anyway, back in a sunny grove, near where the Pretty Lady lives, the lovers make the mistake many young lovers do: they run together from a distance. Rather, she runs to him.

Either way, this does not sit well with the universe as our Mustache Hero must then fight a wall of angry sparks.

This heralds the coming of the Three Witches who arrive with swords.

While our Mustache Hero is off in some soundstage somewhere fighting the sparks, his Pretty Lady is back in the sunny grove, where she is surprised by a dark stranger who grabs her sword tip…if you know what I mean.

His mustache tingles, letting him know the Pretty Lady in trouble, and our Mustache Hero runs to her aid.

This angers Iron Face (who lives in fire), one of the Three Witches (who screams) and a Ghostly Woman in a graveyard who carries what looks like a dire wolf penis bone.

For comparison, here is a dire wolf penis bone, or baculum. (This image is NOT from the video.)

Once the fight begins, we see it is Iron Face who has grabbed the Pretty Lady’s sword tip.

This really pisses off our Mustache Hero.

Their swords clash so hard, local ponies are startled by the noise.

In the first of many questionable fight strategies, our Mustache Hero eschews the use of his sword in favor of punching Iron Face in his iron face.

Surprisingly enough, this works, and our Mustache Hero and his Pretty Lady run to safety.

To recap: So far this story is about (l to r) a Pretty Lady, her Mustache Hero and some Ice Queen we haven’t met yet. It’s called foreshadowing, people! Keep up with Chris Dane Owens.

Meanwhile in the Ice Kingdom, Three Angels walk across an unfrozen lake carrying the Candles of Hope.

This is the Ice Queen, who was so recently foreshadowed, and her entourage.

Back in the sunny grove, our Mustache Hero and his Pretty Lady have stopped to enjoy the sunset with an awkward kiss.

Cut to, the Ice Kingdom! (Or the Rockies.)

Where our Mustache-y couple must run through a frozen forest.

Whoops! Maybe they aren’t there at all. Maybe they’re still in the grove filled with the regrets of their lives so far.

No wait! That's not it at all. In a surprise move, our Mustache Hero travels to the Dragon Castle. It's a castle surrounded by flying dragons. Thus the name. It used to be called O'Flaherty Castle, back when old man O'Flaherty owned it, and before the dragon infestation. But that was many years ago. Most people know it as Dragon Castle. The lesson here is don't live in the past.

Inside Dragon Castle, the Three Witches offer our Mustache Hero a sword.

Which he admires.

The youngest Witch, however, still thinks he’s kind of a douche.

Our Mustache Hero decides to spend a little time in the blue room testing out the sword. You know, you don't want to commit to the sword without giving it the once over. The last thing you want is to make a hasty decision and then end up with some stupid sword you hate.

After brief swordplay, our Mustache Hero falls in love with his sword.

The love of his sword reminds our Mustache Hero of a better time.

Specifically, it reminds him of the Revolutionary War.

But it also reminds him of his three favorite people: himself, Chris Martin From Coldplay and The Guy From Those Ads.

He realizes the only way he can clear these images from his mind is to cross the bridge into the Ice Kingdom.

It is there he finds his sled (The Mustache Ride II) and his Pretty Lady. He loves riding in the sled. Obviously, she’d rather they take the car.

After a quick scene from Amadeus...

The Ice Queen gives the Pretty Lady a Magic Book.

The Magic Book is totally magical, which neither woman seems that impressed by. They're both like, "Yeah, the book glows. I know. It's still kind of boring, right?"

Back on The Mustache Ride (the ship, not the sled), our Mustache Hero sails away, this time in the opposite direction.

Our Mustache Hero has got shit to do, people. He cannot be bothered with the pros and cons of the Magic Book. There's a battle (or something) to fight.

His best friend, Chris Martin From Coldplay, gives the order.

And a boat from an episode of Magnum, P.I. explodes.

The explosion wakes the Three Witches up. And you just know that's not going to end up well. First of all, they're witches. Secondly, you woke them from their slumber. So that makes them, like, doubly witch-y.

As predicted, the Three Witches stand in a line and simultaneously use their combined witch-y powers to shoot lightning at The Mustache Ride.

The lightning doesn’t strike The Mustache Ride, but it comes close enough to crack the boat in half.

As his Mustache Ride sinks, our Mustache Hero swings free of the wreckage and drops into the water.

Where he sinks like a stone.

Tune in tomorrow, for the second half of the story! You just won't believe the crazy shit that happens!


IlanaInRealLife said...

Thank you for clarifying that complex imagery.

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