Friday, April 30, 2010

Clear Eyes, Steelheart, Can't Lose!

DO YOU LOVE COFFEE, but feel like there's no coffee brand out there that really caters to you, to who you really are, I mean who you are in your heart of hearts? And is that secret self a water delivery guy by day but a slightly below average vocalist in a local blues-rock band that plays mostly cover tunes but is working pretty hard on a CD of original tunes by night? It is? Well, my friend, it's time I introduce you to Steelheart Coffee!

This little gem of a REAL PRODUCT punched me in the eyes at the grocery store this morning. I was hardly awake and had gone to the store specifically for coffee. And seeing this package, next to the three other equally mind-bending "flavors" from Steelheart, gave me the distinct feeling that I was still sleeping.

This package design is a trainwreck on so many levels it's hard to know where to start. Obviously I started with the "lead singer," but I could have just as easily started with the "Good 2B Alive." Firstly, why is it in quotes? Is this something someone famous said? And when they said it, did they specify that it was "2B" and not "to be," or "too bee" even? And why the change of color for the word "alive" and the end quote?

Oh my god!

The more I look at this package, the more I feel like I'm being transported back to 1988, but only the horrible parts of the decade. The "cool" font alone is nausea-inducing, and thank you, makers of Steelheart Coffee, for putting the copy in all-caps. That way I know that every word on the package is equally important. Also, it definitely makes it easier to read.

On the positive side, take another look at the "lead singer" guy! That fucker is good 2B alive, for sure! He's striding out of an Ed Hardy Jr. hellscape and into the day. Because of the microphone in his hand, I believe we are to assume he is on a stage. But I prefer to think of him as just striding down the street, pretending he's being filmed for a music video. The sun is shining and he's never felt more sure of himself.

How can he have such confidence? Is it his paler than pale torn jeans, his black tank top, his goatee? No. It's none of those things. It's his coffee.

Fuck yeah it is!

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