Thursday, May 8, 2008

Pulling A Train

A FRIEND OF A FRIEND OF A FRIEND sent this unbelievable link to a photo on Flickr, under the heading "Best Thing EVER. Discuss." It's not so much a photo, as a screen grab from Craigslist. Spoiler alert! If you follow the link, this is what you'll find.

Okay, I feel like I need to break this shit down into its component parts.

Let me begin with the first photo: that of a very complicated train set. Okay. So far so good. Picture #2...whoops! Naked middle aged guy! Wow, what the fuck?

"Want age 25-70 guy to come over and jo in my model train room."
The first time I read this I thought "jo in" was supposed to be "join", like he had accidentally typed a space in the middle of the word. I have never been so sad to be wrong in my life. All right, so this guy wants another guy from his mid-20s to early 70s to come over and jack off in his model train room. Whatever, different shit gets different people off. My question is the age range. 25-70? That is sooooo inspecific. But I guess that's necessary, considering the task at hand: Wanting someone who totally wants to jack off to model trains. Okay, moving on.

"mutual touching and stuff but nothing more than that...I'm not gay"
Of course you're not gay. What's gay about jacking off over trains. Nothing, that's what. That said...what EXACTLY does this guy mean by "stuff." Also, mutual touching seems a little gay to me. Then again, I'm not really on board with the wanking over trains idea, so obviously I'm not the target audience.

"I'm not gay"
Wait...I changed my mind. Yes you are.

"It's all HO scale."
This is important, motherfuckers. Coz everybody knows N and Z scale aren't fuckin' sexy at all! Let's be serious. Like you can get a boner from that tiny-ass shit. Maybe you can if you're gay. But like the man said, he's not gay, so stop asking him to blow you.

"then after you finish you can stomp around and kick the trains and buildings like a monster"
Here's where we kick this ad up to the next level. This is what I suppose falls under the category of "value added." Not only do you get to jack off with a weird 48-year-old guy in his model train room, but now you get to pretend you're a monster too! Stomping AND kicking? Fuck yeah! My two favorite things (after jacking off in a train room.) Awesome! Nothing better after a wank than playing Godzilla, right?

"(don't break they are my sons)"
Now, my wife and I have a disagreement about this. My wife thinks the guy is saying that the trains are like his children. Whereas I believe that the trains belong to his son. If I am right, then there's going to be a really sad kid who finds this post on Craigslist and realizes that his dad's been spanking it to his prized trains. "Seriously, dad, get your own fucking trains if you want to bring random guys over for a circle jerk. On second thought, you can just keep these. Also, never speak to me again."

"we can do this until 4 am or until we get tired"
So, listen up, prospective train wanker, the expectation is that you will wank and stomp and kick for many hours. Even though this guy is pushing 50, he can do this shit until the wee hours. He's obviously done this till 4 am before. No problem. But if you get tired before then, that's okay. Don't think he won't be disappointed in you, though. 'Cause he will be.

Wait...there's more?

"i have lots of imitation crab meat in my freezer that i need to get rid of so you can have a bunch when you leave."
A parting gift? And it's not even REAL crab meat? And wait, why did you say "get rid of"? Was it used in a crime? And what do you mean by "bunch"? Are you just going to have your "guests" grab handfuls of fake crab? Somehow, at this point in the ad, that wouldn't surprise me at all.

"its all perfectly good"
Why do you feel the need to reassure everyone about the imitation crab meat? Why would someone even be suspicious of the quality of the imitation crab meat they get from a guy they just jacked off with in his train room? If you can't trust a guy you just jacked off with (not to mention the stomping around like a monster afterwards), who can you trust?

"we just got too much!!!"
We?'re not gay, or at least you say you aren't. So the "we" must imply a wife? Oh dear, now I'm the saddest I've been all day. Maybe looking at this guy's picture will cheer me up...oh no. No it doesn't. Sadder now. Ever sadder.

UPDATE: The j.o. mystery is solved here.


Steven said...

Can that be a real ad? I was on board (ahem) until I saw the bit about the imitation crab meat. Bought it all up until then.

Sarah Atwood said...

i don't care if this ad is real or not your breakdown is brilliant.

Jared Brustad said...

Uncle Jo?!?!?!

Mathew Walls said...

This ad is fake. It was written for an article on Something Awful.

Soulful Jenn said...

JEFF IS YOUR NAME! Ok, great. Moving forward. I cried laughing so hard at this breakdown. Your words, oh my ford.. Genius! Although I must say after clicking the update to the jo ad my laughter was gone cuz I learned it was fake. And I agree with u. I am a bit disappointed cuz I did have hope for someone to exist such as this and therefore continue to have faith that there is someone. Who is searching for that other someone lol.. Ahh wonderful.

Ok goodnight.

Anonymous said...

This is it. This is the funniest thing I have ever found on the Internet. I'm going to unplug my computer and throw it out now.