Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Spam Thirty-Two: The O.J. Simpson Memorial Chart

IT MAY HAVE BEEN A FEDERAL CRIME JUST TO READ the spam this week. The subject line was: Kill president. The message was simply: New video! Download now! Since I did not click on the link, I can’t be sure whether it was an instructional video or not. I’m sure that just by typing those two words into this blog, I have ended up on some government watch list. Or at the very least, the NSA is now looking at my blog. If the latter is the case, I say: Hey, spies! Enjoy the boners!

This week we learned that boners aren’t just there so you can “make better sex more often.” Or even so you can “ping pong in your bed,” whatever the hell that could mean. But if you are to properly “adore your birth giving orgasm” you must “upgrade the bazooka in your pants.” You have to, because “if you want to win sex-battles you must have heavy cannon.”

Honestly, I don’t understand why people buy self-help books. Spam seems to have all the answers. And written so concisely and clearly too. Ping pong that in your bed! If you know what I mean.

The Chart is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I've ever known in my life.

1,565 emails
BMS = 33% (down 6%)

((1/1)) -- 514 Boner Medication (169 PowerEnlarge, 67 Viagra/Cialis, 59 VPXL, 12 LNH Maxdik, 11 Erectifix, 10 MaxGain, 9 WonderCum)
((2/2)) -- 390 Luxury Replica Watches/Purses
((3/3)) -- 253 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((4/4)) -- 77 OEM Software
((5/5)) -- 55 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((6/8)) -- 53 Earn Your Degree
((7/6)) -- 44 Buy Designer Footwear
((8/9)) -- 34 Online Casino
((9/6)) -- 24 Weight Loss (Anatrim/Phentermine/Hoodia)
((10/9)) -- 22 Stop Smoking
((11/15)) -- 21 Free Dowloadable Porn DVDs
((11/11)) -- 21 Pheromones
((13/12)) -- 17 Human Growth Hormone
((14/13)) -- 11 Validate Your Identity (6 Sun Trust, 2 Capital One, 2 Google AdWords)
((15/16)) -- 10 Chinese Earthquake News (Plus Suspicious Link)
((16/13)) -- 7 Improve Your Health
((17/17)) -- 3 Online Dating Site
((17/--)) -- 3 Get Out Of Debt/Loan Approval
((19/18)) -- 2 Job Offer/Employee Search
((20/19)) -- 1 Stock News
((20/--)) -- 1 Some Sex Related Zip File Attached
((20/--)) -- 1 Hand-Rolled Cigars
((20/--)) -- 1 A Custom-Built Chopper Could Be Yours!

BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

1 comment:

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