Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Spam Thirty-Three: As Old As Jesus

NEW HIGHS IN BOTH emails and in “nonspecificity.” As we creep ever closer to 1,600 emails in a week (which, for some reason, I’m excited about, as if it doesn’t represent 228 annoyances a day), we’re now seeing a bizarre new trend in the weekly spam bag. Or several really. Least of all, although probably not to the boys in the government, is the weird recurrence of anti-government spam. Last week, it was an email that just said “kill president” (and hello, again, Uncle Sam, nothing to see here but boners...move along). This week it was the weird combination of an innocuous subject line (re: Don’t forget our 2pm meeting tomorrow) and bombastically false message (terrorist attack on White House kills Vice President).

The weird thing about that email is that I got another one with exactly the same subject line, only inside it read: “Angelina admits to having previous threesome with two other celebs.” It’s hard to pick my favorite between the two. Each represents a certain kind of wish fulfillment.

Other favorites from the Inspecific bin include--

Subject: Apple files for bankruptcy
Message: Gays in U.S. Military
See? See what damage you’re causing, gay people? By letting you serve in the military, you are putting the financial viability of my favorite computer company at risk! I cannot sit idly by, gay people, while you endanger my laptop, my MP3 player and my phone. I’m sorry, gay people, I must keep you out of the military because I treasure my convenience more than I respect your rights. I apologize. But know this: had you bankrupted Dell, you could be fighting right now.

Subject: Media response to Iraq
Message: Used motorcycles
I am uncertain how used motorcycles illustrate the media’s response to Iraq. Also, I must admit, it’s a little unclear just what about Iraq the media is responding to. The war? The colors of the flag? The spelling of the name? What exactly? And why used motorcycles? This is a fancy metaphor, isn’t it, Media? Are you showing off your college-level book-learnin’ again? Fucking elitists.

Subject: Carrie Underwood nude shots exposed
Message: Videos of your neighbors making things
The subject line intrgues and then confuses me. Her nude shots are exposed? So, what now, their ruined? Someone opened the film camera in the sunlight? That’s just stupid. But after my curiosity has been (for lack of a better word) aroused, then the payoff is the promise of videos showing my neighbors “making things?” I must tell you, my neighbors are very elderly and both wear giant Lew Wasserman glasses. I’m not sure they can make much of anything. Hell, I’m not sure they can see anything.

This Chart is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death!

1,577 emails
BMS = 29% (down 4%)

((1/1)) -- 452 Boner Medication (92 VPXL, 68 Viagra/Cialis, 63 PowerEnlarge, 14 WonderCum, 14 LNH Maxdik, 14 Erectifix, 7 MaxGain, 3 Megadik)
((2/3)) -- 363 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((3/2)) -- 273 Luxury Replica Watches/Purses
((4/4)) -- 115 OEM Software
((5/5)) -- 67 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((6/8)) -- 47 Online Casino
((7/7)) -- 38 Buy Designer Footwear
((8/9)) -- 38 Weight Loss (Anatrim/Hoodia)
((9/11)) -- 34 Pheromones
((10/10)) -- 31 Stop Smoking
((10/13)) -- 31 Human Growth Hormone
((12/16)) -- 29 Improve Your Health
((13/6)) -- 17 Earn Your Degree
((14/14)) -- 15 Validate Your Identity (5 PayPal, 5 Colonial Bank)
((15/11)) -- 11 Free Dowloadable Porn DVDs
((16/--)) -- 9 Fourth of July / Fireworks (Plus Suspicious Link)
((17/17)) -- 2 Online Dating Site
((17/19)) -- 2 Job Offer/Employee Search
((19/19)) -- 1 Stock News
((19/--)) -- 1 Electronics For Sale
((19/--)) -- 1 Enter the Cute Kid of the Year Contest

BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

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