Ladies, You Know It's Right!

DON'T KNOW WHY they don't run these ads any longer. All the ad claims is that YOUR GUY is your NUMBER ONE reason for using Midol. It seems totally reasonable to me. Certainly every lady knows that in order to be a proper lady you HAVE TO put your guy ahead of your own happiness and comfort. The ad also reminds ladies of the inherent duality of their nature, that the less than perfect version of you is UNACCEPTABLE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. "Be the you he likes," the ad says. "Good to be around, any day of the week."

Because, ladies, he doesn't like you unless you're perfect. And look at him. He's obviously perfect, with his groovy patchwork shirt and magnificently feathered hair. What girl wouldn't want to be with this awesome guy. He wears his gold medallion OUTSIDE of his shirt, just like they show you in the fashion magazines!

And just in case you weren't paying attention 45 words earlier, the ad wraps up with, "When you feel good, you're good to be around. So use Midol. You've got a beautiful reason." The beautiful reason has NOTHING to do with you, of course (because you couldn't possibly be the agent of your own happiness). The beautiful thing is THIS GUY, the only thing in this world that can make you feel complete. Sure, he just fucked some chick he met in acting class, but that didn't mean anything. Besides, YOU were having your period, and, as a result, you were NOT "good to be around." It's really your fault that he ended up with that chick from his acting class. Oh yeah, and also that girl from the bookstore the day before.

Shit, does he have to tell you EVERYTHING? Get off his back already and work on being "good to be around." Wow!

You know what would really make you awesome? If you took Midol from the '60s. Yeah, that's more like it. Take some Midol and get totally gay. That'd be awesome. Then maybe you and that actress and the chick from the bookstore could, you know, get together and whatever. Just relax, right? Maybe have a pillow fight or something? Shit, I don't know what girls like. I may not even really like girls. I'm too busy making sure my part is straight and that my medallion didn't accidentally slip inside my shirt. I'm beautiful. Don't ever forget that. Now excuse me, I've got to grow a mustache. Because I'm a man. A beautiful, beautiful man.