Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Happiness is a Warm Gun

ARE YOU FEELING A DEEP EMPTINESS IN YOUR SOUL? Is there an itch in your psyche that you cannot scratch? If you are like most of us, you probably said yes to both of these questions. The answer, of course, is to buy something.

"But what?" you might shout at your computer screen. "What can I buy, Jeff? These InterWebs are filled with things to buy! Should I buy porn? Shoes? Dietary fiber? A Teddy Ruxpin? The Criterion Collection release of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button?"

The answers would normally be, respectively "of course", "why not", "yes", "maybe" and "are you fucking kidding me?" But in this case, the overall answer is "NO."

If you really examined that emptiness you feel inside, I think you would find it was gun-shaped. It might, in fact, be shaped exactly like this gun:

Yes. What you are missing is the Condiment Gun. I'm sorry to inform you that you cannot buy this if you are in the United States (where non-condiment or "bullet" guns are readily available) but you can buy it if you're in the UK (where real guns are restricted). Isn't that a weird quirk? Hmmm.

Anyway, try to get one if you can just so you can re-enact this scene with your friends!

Because there's nothing gay about that.

Nothing at all.

UPDATE: I forgot to mention the most puzzling part of the description of the Condiment Gun, which is this phrase: "Bang Bang, you're red (or BROWN or yellow)." Brown? I can only hope that's gravy coming out of the gun. Oh dear lord, please tell me it's gravy!!!


Anonymous said...

Where was this wonderful thing when I was a kid? If the condiment gun existed back then my brother would still be cleaning red off of him. Because who the hell wants to blast ketchup on a hotdog when they could splatter their siblings instead? As all my family except me are still IN the UK i need to have someone track this down. Although thirty bucks is sort of steep just for the joy of blasting your little sister in the face with mustard.

Or is it....

Greta said...

Oh man do I want one for my backyard bbqs.