Marriage Protection

THE 99 THINGS I MUST PROTECT MY MARRIAGE AGAINST (That are more of a threat to it than gay marriage.)
1. Fire ants
2. Aphids
3. Termites
4. Bed bugs
5. Fleas & ticks
6. Angry bees
7. Slightly annoyed bees
8. Ordinary bees
9. Brown recluse spiders
10. Spiders (all other, especially the kind on the ceiling)
11. Scorpions
12. Robots
13. The West Nile Virus
14. The Rage Virus
15. Any zombie apocalypse
16. The release of yet another apocalyptic film directed by Roland Emmerich. I mean, 2012? The world gets destroyed again? Seriously?
17. Drunk celebrities
18. The Rapture
19. People who perform “Rapture” by Blondie at karaoke
20. People who are really excited to put a “Yes on 8” sign in their yards
21. People who wish they were “brave enough” to put a “Yes on 8” sign in their yards
22. People who said they were voting No on 8…but voted Yes instead
23. Poor spelling
24. Poor drivers
25. Poorly prepared eggs
26. People who come back from two weeks in Europe with an accent
27. An REO Speedwagon reunion tour
28. Body issues
29. Cannibals
30. Spoiled meat
31. The Orc army from Isengard
32. The Nazgul riders
33. Gollum
34. Any of Sauron’s minions
35. Mike Piazza
36. The metric system
37. Psoriasis
38. High blood pressure
39. Low tire pressure
40. People who say “an” before saying “historic”
41. The hopes of orphaned children
42. The unfulfilled dreams of youth
43. The dark schemes of the rich
44. Floods (flash or otherwise)
45. Lightning
46. Wildfires
47. Tornados
48. Tsunamis
49. Hurricanes
50. Earthquakes
51. Youth quakes
52. Ann Coulter’s acid wit & gigantic mannish hands
53. Errant foul balls
54. Shoes that just don’t fit right
55. The Liberal media
56. The Phillie Phanatic
57. Explosive diarrhea
58. Andy Rooney’s homespun humor
59. Bill O’Reilly’s loofah
60. Hugh Grant
61. Any movie starring Meryl Streep
62. Vegetarian gravy
63. Vegans
64. Hippies
65. Monsters (Cloverfield and otherwise)
66. Mind control
67. The return of Knight Rider
68. The original Knight Rider
69. Non-Euclidean geometry
70. Girls who refuse to go wild
71. Parachute pants
72. Stone-washed or acid-washed anything
73. Ties with keyboards printed on them
74. Members Only jackets that, apparently, anyone can own
75. Dinosaurs (re-animated or regular)
76. Non-adorable lions
77. Hungry, hungry hippos
78. Hungry hippos
79. Sated hippos who are nonetheless ill-tempered
80. Incontinence
81. The inability to go, or the inability to stop going
82. Boners that last more than four hours
83. Anxiety
84. Fear
85. Malaise
86. Lack of confidence (also: Confidence)
87. The 2-3 zone
88. The Box & 1
89. Man-to-man D (obviously)
90. Bad stand-up comedy
91. Poorly upholstered furniture
92. People who still imitate Borat
93. Alien attack
94. Mole people uprising
95. The “comedy” of Carlos Mencia
96. The future
97. The past
98. The possibility that our past is actually our future and that in order to save our future we have to destroy the past.
99. The fact that my mind just got totally blown. Holy shit, I’m so fuckin’ high right now!