Well, I Knew They Weren't Born...

THE INTERNET IS AN EXCELLENT SOURCE OF ACCURATE INFO, as everyone knows. And I don't just mean Wikipedia. There's also random people's websites filled with all kinds of great information, like how the planes didn't really fly into the World Trade Center on 9/11 and how the towers were brought down intentionally by demolitions experts.

It's so simple people! The clues are all there! Never mind that logic tells you that theory MUST be bonkers. Never mind that! Ignore that! What did logic ever do for you anyway, huh?

With accuracy like that all over the Interweb, it should come as no surprise to anyone, that YouTube has the lowdown on Jews.



Now, I haven't watched this video yet. But I am excited that I can "do it myself"! I've always wanted to build a Jew, but I just didn't know where to start.

Thank you, YouTube! And thank you, too, Internets! How did I ever get along without you?

The Beards Go On

I AM ON STRIKE. I don't mean this in any hyperbolic way. I mean it literally. As a member of the Writers Guild of America, I have been on strike since the beginning of November. If you don't know exactly what we're striking for, just read the papers and believe what the producers and studio execs are saying. (Because why would they lie?)

We are striking to destroy Hollywood.

Once we have accomplished that, we'll go back to what we normally do. For me and more than half of the WGA members, that means going back to being an unemployed writer. Trust me, it's wayyyyy more dignified than "striking writer." Also, it requires far less exercise, but (luckily) the same amount of Xbox.


As it happens, I made a decision during the first week of the strike that I had no idea would be so popular. With people other than my mother, that is. That decision? To put my razor on strike as well, and to grow a "strike beard." More on this particular beard a little later. When I decided to stop shaving, in perhaps my bravest moment as an adult male, I had no idea just how popular my decision would be...until this very evening. The evening of the return of the late night talk show hosts.

Let us for a moment put aside Jay Leno and Craig Ferguson, and speak only of Conan and Dave. Actually, I will not speak. I will let the pictures speak.


Coincidence? That seems unlikely. It must have been design. I must have been in cahoots with Conan and Dave. Or, at the very least, as lazy and unwilling to shave as they were.

Conan even referred to his as a "strike beard," much as I did, mere moments ago in this very blog. So, I was ahead of the curve...or at least exactly in sync with the curve. Okay, I admit that Conan and Dave show an ability to grow a full and complete beard whereas I can't muster much more than a sad adolescent-seeming attempt at facial hair. I admit it. I will also admit that my nephew, who is 23, can grow a fuller more convincing beard, and has been able to do so since he was 17. In fact, he can do it in under a week.

My beard, on the other hand, the beard of a 41-year-old, is still patchy and thin, even after over two months. It is also much grayer than I'd hoped for. As a bonus, it inspired my mother to say, "You look like a terrorist!" So mission accomplished on that front.

All that aside, I feel I'm making my point, as a writer on strike. This beard is a threat, producers, and it's not going away until there's a fair deal on the table.

Yeah! Take THAT!

Sometimes It's The Writing...

...BUT SOMETIMES IT'S THE PERFORMANCE. This is a perfect example of something that could have totally failed in the hands of a less capable comedic actor. It is also my new favorite thing.

Spam-A-Lot, Week 6

THE SIXTH WEEK OF THE WATCH was a week in which I was told "all mens need this." The "this" was of course Boner Medication, which maintained its stranglehold on the top spot. This week also featured an email from an Online Casino (cracking the Top 5 this week) which proclaimed "When YOU WIN, we win!" Very comforting words from a casino, I think. At least they're honest in telling me that they win no matter what the outcome.

Six categories dropped off the chart this week: Earn Your Degree, Legal Pot, View Your Kitty Card, Tax Refund from IRS, Bank Scam, and Holiday Shopping For Your Loved Ones, the last of which entered the Top 10 last week.

New on the chart are Would You Like to Chat? (debuting at #8 with the recurrent theme of "I'm a lonely twenty-something girl who's bored tonight"), Get Approved, The World Book Is Here and the ominous Here Is The Video which arrived with a zip file attached and a message that read, in part, "Here is the video of this patient interrogation / cross-examination. I think he doesn't say everything."

I missed my Chart!

WEEK SIX
337 emails
BMS = 53% (up 4%)

((1/1)) -- 177 Boner Medication (57 MegaDick, 39 Viagra/Cialis)
((2/5)) -- 37 Foreign Gibberish (5 German)
((3/2)) -- 30 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((4/3)) -- 25 OEM Software
((5/10)) -- 15 Online Casino
((6/4)) -- 13 Rolex/Luxury Watches
((7/10)) -- 6 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((7/6)) -- 6 Weight Loss (Hoodia Gordonii) (2 Anatrim)
((8/--)) -- 5 Would You Like to Chat?
((9/14)) -- 4 Personal Pussy (Personal Puss!)
((9/14)) -- 4 Bigger/Better Boobs
((11/10)) -- 3 Validate Your Identity (eBay, PayPal, etc.)
((12/8)) -- 2 Stock News
((12/17)) -- 2 Stop Smoking
((13/7)) -- 1 Employee Search
((13/--)) -- 1 Improve Your Health
((13/14)) -- 1 Human Growth Hormone
((13/14)) -- 1 Porn Sites
((13/17)) -- 1 Pheromones
((13/--)) -- 1 Get Approved
((13/--)) -- 1 The World Book Is Here
((13/--)) -- 1 Here Is The Video (w/attachment)

KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Death by Chipmunk

I JUST READ that Alvin & the Chipmunks did what is known as "boffo box office" in its opening weekend -- to the tune of $45 million. Forty-fucking-five million! In real American dollars!

Earlier in this blog, I had mentioned how just watching the trailer for the movie made me feel (spoiler alert: suicidal!). Now that I've seen how America is embracing this movie, I probably should just pull the car into the garage and start 'er up.

If only I had a garage.

Somehow I don't feel like sitting in my idling car on the street in front of my apartment will have the same effect. But maybe going to see The Bucket List will be the same as breathing car exhaust.

If that doesn't do it, there's always P.S. I Love You.

Hilariously Tasteless

There's Irony...And Then There's Irony

WHILE PUTTING SOME NEW TUNES IN MY COMPUTER, I came across this odd bit of info. One of the songs on the Rock Instrumental Classics, Vol. 3 disc I uploaded was "Rock & Roll, Part 2", the formerly ubiquitous sports stadium anthem by Gary Glitter. So I did a search on Glitter (to upload the album art to go with the song) and found something ironic.

"Rock & Roll, Part 2" was played at virtually every sporting event, professional or college level, in virtually every town for years -- that is, until Glitter (whose real name is Paul Gadd) was convicted on child pornography charges in 1999, and then (as if that wasn't enough) child sexual abuse charges in 2005. Long story short: Glitter is a totally awesome guy, right? Once those unsavory details surfaced, most sports franchises decided, "Maybe we should stop playing this song to get the crowd riled up."

Most sports franchises did that. Some did not. And here's where the irony comes in.

According to (the notoriously accurate) Wikipedia, among the teams still playing "Rock & Roll, Part 2" during games is the NHL team in Nashville. What's the name of that team?

The Predators, of course!

Go Predators!