Saturday, March 20, 2010

Mascot Massacre Round Two

SURE, LAUGH IF YOU MUST about my method, but I did accurately predict the Round One winners in the entire South Bracket. Also correctly foretold: Ohio over Georgetown, Murray State over Vanderbilt and Old Dominion over Notre Dame. Did I get some things wrong? Maybe I did. But that’s not the point, now is it?

The point is that we’re out of Round One now and into Round Two, and the carnage continues. Again, these are cage matches and only one side survives.

Let it BEGIN!!! this case, continue.

Kansas Jayhawks vs. UNLV Runnin’ Rebels – The Rebels are rebellious and obviously fond of cross-country. But the Jayhawks are Civil War era guerilla fighters, who, I feel it’s worth repeating, are fighting on the right side of history. Who knows who the Rebels are rebelling against? Is it fair to assume they are rebelling against Abraham Lincoln? Of course it is. In which case, they are destined to be defeated.

Michigan State Spartans vs. Houston Cougars – Until the Spartans face another armed foe, they kind of have a walk in the tournament.

Tennessee Volunteers vs. Ohio Bobcats – The Bobcats had it easy in Round One, being pitted against a domesticated dog. This round they face an actual army. Okay, I’ll make it more fair this time. I’ll give the Bobcats handguns. Whoops! No opposable thumbs. Sorry li’l fellas.

Oklahoma State Cowboys vs. UC Santa Barbara Gauchos – Wow, cowboy versus cowboy! North America versus South America in a battle of silly hats! Since I’m American, I obviously believe our Cowboys are better than anyone else’s. Let's just hope they don't fall in love out there, because if that's the case, you know who wins? That's right, Paul Haggis.

Vermont Catamounts vs. Florida State Seminoles – Another close call, but as with the Mountaineers above, what we’re talking about is a skilled hunter versus a wild animal. On the plus side, that cougar jacket will look nice at the Seminole Spring Formal.

UTEP Miners vs. Murray State Racers – The ponies got the nod last round when they were facing a bunch of Vic 20s. This round, however, their opponents are surly old men with pick-axes.

Xavier Musketeers vs. Oakland Golden Grizzlies – The Musketeers’ swords and guns might have worked against the Mecha-Gophers from Minnesota. But these robotic opponents are about ten times that size.

Florida Gators vs. Kansas State Wildcats – Wildcats are predators. They are quick and stealthy and capable of deadly speed. However, they are also what most Gators would call “snack-sized.”

Kentucky Wildcats vs. Wake Forest Demon Deacons – Being non-magical, non-robotic, non-supernatural really hurts the Wildcats in this matchup. Obviously, hell-spawn creatures have a bit of an advantage in the tourney. Oh wait, don’t people often call the Wildcats the “Angelic Wildcats?” No? My bad.

Temple Owls vs. Wisconsin Badgers – Fur and feathers will fly in this close competition, and you have to ask yourself: Is it really an advantage to be able to fly? Also, that Tootsie Pop is more of a hindrance than a help.

Marquette Golden Eagles vs. Montana Grizzlies – Size is the advantage here. Even if I assume the Robo-Eagles have eyes that shoot lasers, which naturally I’m assuming, I still believe the gargantuan mass of the Grizzlies tips the scales in their favor.

Missouri Tigers vs. West Virginia Mountaineers – After facing Bears in the previous round, the Mountaineers may be a little thrown by the non-native Tigers. But these are inbred hillbillies we’re talking about. One vicious animal is the same as another. They’re just another meal wrapped in fur.

Duke Blue Devils vs. California Golden Bears – Hellbeast versus Mecha-Bear! This would be a pretty awesome match were it not for one thing: the melting temperature of gold.

Texas A&M Aggies vs. Purdue Boilermakers – Do you really want to start a fight with a bunch of iron-workers? You do? But you’re a bunch of agriculture students. You know, this might be why people don't think you're a very smart bunch of people. I'm just saying.

Old Dominion Monarchs vs. Baylor Bears – Old Dominion’s mascot is a lion with a crown on its head. While the crown offers Old Dominion zero advantage on the battlefield, you gotta give ‘em style points. I mean, not everyone can pull off wearing a crown, but that lion looks awesome in it! In an otherwise even match, the style points push it over the edge.

St. Mary’s Gaels vs. Villanova Wildcats – Nothing about the Gaels implies that they are armed or schooled in the art of self-defense. As far as we know, these Gaels are a group of kindly senior citizens from Belfast. Or they are Oprah’s girlfriend. Either way, I think you might want to look away. It’s not gonna be pretty.

Round One results.

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