Monday, September 24, 2007

Why Love "The Bachelor"?

TRUTH BE TOLD, I watch The Bachelor with my wife. Mostly I just love the first episode, where the Bachelor meets his 25 Lady Callers for the first time. It's an episode I like to call "The Drunk & Desperate Episode."

Oh, the drinking. Oh, the multiple acts of desperation.

You see, 25 Lady Callers show up, and, after spending an evening hanging out with the Bachelor (and drinking 500 bottles of wine), the Bachelor picks 15 of them. The other 10, must go home, drunk and weepy.

After that first episode, my interest wanes pretty consistently. But for that first episode, I am completely transfixed. What? My enthusiasm perplexes you? What if I offered some specific reasons?

REASON #1: Actual dialog from the Bachelor to his television audience: "Walking into that room, I was literally beside myself."

REASON #2: One of the Lady Callers said she "broke her face." Twice. Not only did she say it twice, but she also claimed she broke her face on two occasions. It was, like, the first thing she said to the Bachelor after she got out of the limo. "I broke my face!" My wife's reply? "It looks like it's still broken."

REASON #3: The singing! Yes! Singing! Last year, a woman sang "The Star-Spangled Banner" from a balcony to the Bachelor. This year, a woman sang a song wrote? I guess? It was, in a word, magnificent. And here are the lyrics:

There's a yellow rose in Texas
And that's just what I'm going to do
Nobody's gonna miss her
Nearly as much as I do

REASON #4: One Lady Caller showed the Bachelor her webbed toes. One "read his tongue". While another showed him how flexible she was by putting both her feet behind her head and then saying to the Bachelor, "You can spin me." Sadly, he did not spin her.

REASON #5: As always, one of the ladies had way too much to drink. This season's drunk lady got so drunk one of her boobs fell onto the floor. Don't worry, it was a fake boob, an insert for her bra to make her look bustier. But one of them fell out and she walked around the party for a while without it. One of the other ladies found the boob and brought it to the drunk lady's attention -- not before she brought it to the attention of a bunch of the other ladies, of course. It is the Way of the Lady Callers to turn on the weak (or in this case shit-faced). When the drunk lady finally got her "one-on-one" time with the Bachelor, all she could really say over and over again was, "When I first saw you, I thought 'sweetness.' And I think that's great. Sweetness. Very sweet. Just sweetness." Or something like that.

At the end of the drunken, embarrassing night, the Bachelor gave roses to the Tongue Reader, Broken Face, The Girl Who Sang, and also (in the least surprising turn of events) The Girl Who Put On A Bikini & Got In The Pool. He chose not to give roses to Webtoes, Legs-Behind-Head and, naturally, The Drunk Girl Who Lost Her Boob.

As with almost every season, The Ethnic Girls did not find a place in the Bachelor's heart. Because, in the world of television, only white ladies deserve love.

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