You Gotta Have Friends!

IF YOU MISSED LAST NIGHT'S DEBATE, I can recap it for you. It was a simple town hall affair that showed that Sen. Barack Obama was about "fundamental change." And Sen. John McCain was all about friends. How many friends? Oh, about 20 actually.

"My friend, I'd like you to see the letter that a group of senators and I wrote..."
"My friends, do we need to spend that kind of money?"
"My friends, we are not going to be able to provide the same benefit..."
"My friends, some of this $700 billion ends up in the hands of terrorist organizations."
"My friends, the last president to raise taxes during tough economic times was Herbert Hoover."
"So let's not raise anybody's taxes, my friends..."
"We know what the problems are, my friends..."
"My friends, what we have to do with Medicare is have a commission..."
"Let's look at our records, my friends..."
"That's the good news, my friends."
**"By the way, my friends, I know you grow a little weary with this back-and-forth."
**"I vote against them, my friends."
**"We've got to drill offshore, my friends, and we've got to do it now."
"My friends, we have gone to all four corners of the Earth..."
"We don't have time for on-the-job training, my friends."
"Well, let me just follow up, my friends."
"There was a lot at stake there, my friends."
"I'll get Osama bin Laden, my friends."
"I thank you, my friend. Thanks for serving."
"At the end of the day, my friend, I have to tell you again..."

I respect McCain for finding a comfortable refrain and returning to it 20 times in 90 minutes, including 3 times (marked with asterisks) in less than 90 seconds.

I also commend him for being the first candidate in probably 40 years to get off a snap on his political opponent by comparing him to Herbert Hoover. That one played well with both students of history and voters over the age of 70. Nice work, my friend. Now take some time off, my friend, because, my friend, you've earned it.

And now, here's another way of looking at the debate, thanks to TagCrowd and a transcript copied from Debates.org:

able america american around believe best billion brokaw bush care change country crisis deal done economic economy energy friends fundamental getting give going government health help home important insurance iran iraq issues jobs keep lot making mccain means money national nuclear obama oil pakistan people ph point president problem question record responsibility russia security senator situation something spending states support sure talk tax thank things think tom tonight understand united voted washington work world years

created at TagCrowd.com

Spam Forty-Six: Back on Schedule

IT’S ALWAYS SCARY WHEN YOU SKIP A CHART. But don’t worry, everybody, the Chart is not pregnant. Things are back to normal. It was just a stressful time that made the Chart irregular. Speaking of which, I did receive a spam with the following subject line: Menstrual pain won’t come to you, even in nightmares. Inside, all it said was, American dream has come true.

So true.

Single women in Russia were also trying to make their dreams come true by dating (and possibly marrying, or at least having naked chats with) American men (specifically me). Of the 66 spams that catapulted Would You Chat With Me? (I Am Lonely & Probably Naked) from #18 to #6, easily more than two-thirds were of the single, lonely Russian lady variety.

Sad.

Sad that there were so many more of those and only three attempts at enticing me with promises of Celebrity Sex Related Links, especially since the “celebrities” offered were Tiffani Amber Thiessen, Jaime Pressly and Farah Summerford.

Look, Your Worshipfulness, let's get one thing straight. I take orders from just one person: Chart.

SPAM WATCH WEEK FORTY-SIX
1,360 emails
BMS = 29% (unchanged)

((1/1)) -- 390 Boner Medication (149 VPXL, 50 Viagra/Cialis, 12 MaxGain, 11 Penis Patch, 10 WonderCum, 7 LNH Maxdik, 4 Erectifix, 3 PowerEnlarge, 2 Megadik)
((2/2)) -- 293 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((3/3)) -- 213 Luxury Replica Watches/Purses
((4/4)) -- 130 Get Out Of Debt/Loan Approval
((5/5)) -- 92 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((6/18)) -- 66 Would You Chat With Me? (I Am Lonely & Probably Naked)
((7/6)) -- 22 Weight Loss (Anatrim/Phentermine)
((8/7)) -- 18 Validate Your Identity (5 BoA, 3 Sterling Savings)
((9/7)) -- 17 Foreign Gibberish
((10/7)) -- 15 Online Casino
((10/10)) -- 15 Human Growth Hormone
((10/11)) -- 15 Pheromones
((10/15)) -- 15 Stop Smoking
((15/13)) -- 13 OEM Software
((16/17)) -- 9 Improve Your Health
((17/16)) -- 7 The Bill Is Attached (As a Zip File)
((18/22)) -- 6 Job Offer/Employee Search
((19/18)) -- 5 Earn Your Degree
((20/20)) -- 4 View Your Suspicious Ecard Online
((20/22)) -- 4 Please Watch This Non-Celebrity Sex Video
((22/--)) -- 3 Some Celebrity Sex Related Link or Zip File
((22/11)) -- 3 Buy Designer Footwear
((24/--)) -- 2 Pain Relief
((25/--)) -- 1 Search Engine Optimization
((25/21)) -- 1 Your Internet Access Is Going to Get Suspended (Plus Zip File!)
((25/22)) -- 1 Your Email Address Won 500,000 Euros (downgraded from a million)

KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Cow Trouble

THE CAPTION BESIDE THE PHOTO describes the antics of 32-year-old Michelle Allen of Middletown, Ohio. She was arrested after impeding traffic, urinating on a porch and scaring children...

All while dressed as a cow.



I should add that these charges are all alleged. You know, she hasn't been convicted or anything. She is definitely dressed like a cow, though. That much is for sure.

Spam Forty-Five: Almost Caught Up Now

IF I HAD ANY DOUBTS ABOUT THE VERACITY of the National Survey Panel Survey emails I got, I could have clicked on the link provided. Sure, I could have totally done that and taken place in the survey asking me, “ Does Sarah Palin have VP skills?” And if I did that, maybe I would have won that free $500 Visa Gift Card.

But something about the email made me suspicious. Maybe it was the last two lines of the email, the ones that said, “ The ethos of English public schools greatly influenced Pierre de Coubertin. The public schools had a deep involvement in the development of many team sports.” Not that I think most people aren’t interested in Pierre de Coubertin, the French historian who helped found the IOC. I’m sure lots of people are.

No, I think what really made me doubt the veracity of those emails was the part that said, “Not associated with Visa or Sandra Palin.”

Also, this week, I got a lovely spam with this as the message:

“Wow, your penis is unique!” Isn’t that what you just love to hear?

No, it’s not what I love to hear. It really isn’t.

Do or do not. There is no Chart.

SPAM WATCH WEEK FORTY-FIVE
1,497 emails
BMS = 29% (up 4%)

((1/2)) -- 432 Boner Medication (118 VPXL, 45 Viagra/Cialis, 14 Penis Patch, 13 LNH Maxdik, 12 MaxGain, 11 WonderCum, 7 PowerEnlarge, 5 Megadik, 3 Erectifix)
((2/1)) -- 357 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((3/3)) -- 281 Luxury Replica Watches/Purses
((4/4)) -- 142 Get Out Of Debt/Loan Approval
((5/13)) -- 51 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((6/5)) -- 37 Weight Loss (Anatrim/Phentermine)
((7/8)) -- 24 Foreign Gibberish
((7/10)) -- 24 Online Casino
((7/12)) -- 24 Validate Your Identity (5 Wachovia, 4 Google AdWords, 4 Eastern Bank)
((10/6)) -- 20 Human Growth Hormone
((11/7)) -- 18 Pheromones
((11/16)) -- 18 Buy Designer Footwear
((13/11)) -- 14 OEM Software
((14/14)) -- 13 Online Dating Site
((15/8)) -- 11 Stop Smoking
((16/--)) -- 7 The Bill Is Attached (As a Zip File)
((17/15)) -- 5 Improve Your Health
((18/18)) -- 4 Would You Chat With Me? (I Am Lonely & Probably Naked)
((18/18)) -- 4 Earn Your Degree
((20/--)) -- 3 View Your Suspicious Ecard Online
((21/--)) -- 2 Your Internet Access Is Going to Get Suspended (Plus Zip File!)
((21/--)) -- 2 National Survey Panel Survey
((22/16)) -- 1 Please Watch This Non-Celebrity Sex Video
((22/--)) -- 1 Job Offer/Employee Search
((22/--)) -- 1 Your Email Address Won 1 Million Euros
((22/--)) -- 1 Bank Scam (Korean)

KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Panda Attack!

I'M NOT SURE WHAT TO SAY ABOUT THIS. But I felt it needed to be shared.



Consider it a warning. Stay away from pandas.

Spam Forty-Four: Still Catching Up

NOT A LOT OF TIME FOR CHIT-CHAT. We’re still behind here at Spam Central. We’ll be caught up in the next couple days. Still owe you another chart.

A suspicious drop in the spam flow this week. Perhaps linked to my tardiness? I would like to think so. Anyhow, I think my feelings for the Chart this week can be summed up by quoting from my favorite spam.

Hi dear,
Watch my tits!
Thanks

I find your lack of Chart disturbing.

SPAM WATCH WEEK FORTY-FOUR
1,113 emails
BMS = 25% (up 5%)

((1/1)) -- 361 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((2/2)) -- 278 Boner Medication (67 VPXL, 14 MaxGain, 13 Penis Patch, 13 WonderCum, 13 LNH Maxdik, 11 Viagra/Cialis, 7 PowerEnlarge, 3 Erectifix)
((3/4)) -- 169 Luxury Replica Watches/Purses
((4/3)) -- 120 Get Out Of Debt/Loan Approval
((5/5)) -- 49 Weight Loss (Anatrim/Phentermine)
((6/9)) -- 20 Human Growth Hormone
((7/10)) -- 19 Pheromones
((8/11)) -- 17 Stop Smoking
((8/13)) -- 17 Foreign Gibberish
((10/6)) -- 13 Online Casino
((11/7)) -- 12 OEM Software
((12/12)) -- 9 Validate Your Identity (2 eBay, 2 CareerBuilder, 2 Wachovia)
((13/8)) -- 8 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((14/15)) -- 5 Online Dating Site
((15/18)) -- 4 Improve Your Health
((16/13)) -- 3 Please Watch This Non-Celebrity Sex Video
((16/15)) -- 3 Buy Designer Footwear
((18/17)) -- 1 Would You Chat With Me? (I Am Lonely & Probably Naked)
((18/19)) -- 1 Some Celebrity Sex Related Link or Zip File
((18/22)) -- 1 Earn Your Degree
((18/26)) -- 1 GPS Trackstick
((18/--)) -- 1 Bigger/Better Boobs
((18/--)) -- 1 Yellowpages.travel Is Here

KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Tough Day in Baseball

FIRST THERE WAS A CONFUSING BASEBALL GAME in which the Arizona Diamondbacks eliminated themselves from playoff contention by (mysteriously) playing themselves -- and losing.



Here's a picture of the disappointed pitcher for the Diamondbacks, after giving up the game-winning run...against the Diamondbacks.

Very disappointing, I'm sure. I mean, it's bad enough to lose to an opponent, but to get beat so badly by your own team, that'll really sting in the off-season.

Then the Philadelphia police evacuated Citizens Bank Park during a Phillies game after finding a suspicious package that turned out to be some hot dogs.

The best line in the whole news story was this one: "Sadly, the wieners were detonated as a precaution."