Spam-A-Lot, Week 5

THERE IS NO WEEK 5. There never was. I don't even know what you're talking about. It's like the 13th floor of a building: it just doesn't exist. Naturally, we'll go from Week 4 to Week 6. Why would that be weird?

It doesn't mean that I deleted a bunch of spam emails and thus was unable to report on Week 5. Of course it doesn't mean that! Why would you even think that? It means something completely different. In fact, it doesn't mean anything at all.

Stop thinking about it. Thinking will just make you unattractive.

Spam-A-Lot, Week 4

SPAM IS BACK AND IT'S BETTER THAN EVER, as Week 4 of the Chart saw the highest number of useless emails yet -- nearly 500! That's a lot of crap! Several Chart favorites returned to the fold (Human Growth Hormone, Personal Pussy and Bigger/Better Boobs to name three). Holiday traffic jacked up the Rolex/Luxury Watches spam to its highest overall total (51) and highest spot on the chart (#4) yet.

New to the chart this week are Holiday Shopping For Your Loved Ones at #8 and Bank Scam (Nigerian & otherwise) way down on the bottom of the chart. Tax Refund from IRS, Improve Your Health and View Your Kitty Card were absent for the second straight week, and Legal Pot, which made its chart debut last week, albeit weakly in last place, also disappeared.

Sadly, the only notable subject line this week was “it’s not a secret that hotties are mad about strong and long sausages.” Let's hope next week brings a more fertile crop of those babies, am I right?

Viva la Chart!

WEEK FOUR, NOVEMBER 15-21
494 emails (up 52%)
BMS=49% (down 11%)

((1/1)) -- 243 Boner Medication (91 MegaDick, 68 Viagra/Cialis)
((2/3)) -- 59 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((3/2)) -- 58 OEM Software
((4/5)) -- 51 Rolex/Luxury Watches
((5/4)) -- 42 Foreign Gibberish
((6/10)) -- 6 Weight Loss (Hoodia Gordonii & Anatrim)
((7/10)) -- 5 Employee Search
((8/9)) -- 4 Stock News
((8/--)) -- 4 Holiday Shopping For Your Loved Ones
((10/--)) -- 3 Online Casino
((10/6)) -- 3 Validate Your Identity (confirm w/eBay, PayPal, etc.)
((10/7)) -- 3 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((10/8)) -- 3 Earn Your Degree
((14/--)) -- 2 Human Growth Hormone
((14/--)) -- 2 Personal Pussy (Personal Puss!)
((14/--)) --2 Bigger/Better Boobs
((17/--)) -- 1 Porn Sites
((17/--)) -- 1 Stop Smoking
((17/--)) -- 1 Pheromones
((17/--)) -- 1 Bank Scam (Nigerian & otherwise)

KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Coincidence?

I JUST SAW THE TRAILER for the Alvin & the Chipmunks movie. And now I want to kill myself.

The two things might not be related. But I'm not convinced.

We Need To Talk

IT'S REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE TO HAVE THIS TALK, but I feel like we need to. Just you and me. I think you should break up with your abusive boyfriend. I'm talking to you, America, because I'm really really concerned. I just don't think it's healthy anymore, this relationship. And, frankly, I think your boyfriend, China, is trying to kill you.

First he tried to poison your pets with melamine-laced food. Then he put poison in your toothpaste. And then he put lead paint all over the toys you buy for your kids.

Those three things in themselves seem sorta crazy, don't you think?

I know, I know, you still think he's great, and he's got such great potential, and I probably just don't "get him" like you do. I know that's how you feel. I totally understand. And no, I'm not jealous. I don't wish I was in a relationship with China. I really don't. I'm just trying to talk to you as a friend.

Because now China's coming for your kids again, wanting to smother them with adorable toy shelves. And if that doesn't work -- and I know this will sound totally crazy, but I'm really not making it up -- China wants to date rape your kids.

Yes, I realize this sounds crazy. But I am not making it up.

Ok, ok, fine. Don't believe me. And just keep believing that China is still good for you and believing how great this relationship could be. But don't say I didn't warn you.

Mmmm, Coffee

DISCONTINUED STARBUCKS COFFEE FLAVORS
Shrimp
Taco salad
Perfume
Pennies
Newborn baby
Tea
Water
Loneliness

Dick Problems

BIG NEWS FROM WASHINGTON TODAY, Vice-President Dick Cheney was taken to the hospital for an irregular heartbeat. Which is a little confusing, isn't it? I thought you needed a heart for that.

Oh no I didn't!

Oh yes I did.

I just snapped the VP.

Take that, O Dark One!

Spam-A-Lot, Week 3

EXCITING MOVEMENT ON THE SPAM CHART this week. Not in the top four, which stayed exactly the same, but elsewhere on the chart. Ten categories disappeared off the chart altogether, leaving only a dozen categories of spam in my inbox this week. The number of emails dropped back down to 325 this week, but the BMS skyrocketed to 60%, leaving little room on the charts for anything else really. In fact, MegaDick emails alone outnumbered the total emails for OEM Software and Canadian/Online Pharmacy, #2 and #3 on the chart, respectively. And perennial #5 on the chart Weight Loss lost weight at an alarming rate, losing 90% of its chart power by dropping to a unhealthily skinny two emails (both for Anatrim) and ending up at the #10 spot.

Most notably absent in Week 3 were Human Growth Hormone and Personal Pussy, both recent Top Ten Spams. Also surprisingly missing, Bigger/Better Boobs. I guess I just don't believe that America is finally happy with the size and quality of its boobs. View Your Kitty Kard went unrepresented, which was fine by me, because I never knew what the fuck that meant anyway.

There were two new arrivals this week. The Inspecific "Look At This" emails debuted at #7, which simply said something like "You won't believe THIS" and included a link to click on. Also, Legal Pot debuted in the #12 spot with two emails encouraging me to try "Buddha Bud".

It was hard to choose a favorite phrase from this weeks emails, since there were three awesome candidates to choose from. While I really liked the broken English of “increase easily your power in the eyewink!”; “fungo bat in your pants” and “vagina destroyer” also won my heart through repetition, arriving in five (fungo) and three (destroyer) separate emails.

Love your chart now!

WEEK THREE, NOVEMBER 8-14
325 emails
BMS=60% (up 21%)

((1/1)) -- 194 Boner Medication (72 MegaDick, 61 Viagra/Cialis)
((2/2)) -- 35 OEM Software
((3/3)) -- 34 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((4/4)) -- 32 Foreign Gibberish (3 German)
((5/11)) -- 7 Rolex/Luxury Watches
((6/9)) -- 6 Validate Your Identity (confirm w/eBay, PayPal, etc.)
((7/--)) -- 5 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((8/17)) -- 4 Earn Your Degree
((9/17)) -- 3 Stock News
((10/5)) -- 2 Weight Loss (both Anatrim)
((10/16)) -- 2 Employee Search
((10/--)) -- 2 Legal Pot (Big Buddha Bud)

KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week