Drake's Cakes

Now Hiring

2011-06-23T12:10:00.000-07:00

Ways in which our team is "winning" include, but are not limited to, at-home perms and questionable blazer-blouse choices.

One Deadly Pickle

2011-06-22T11:38:00.001-07:00

I guess it depends on where you stick it.

How Much Should I Charge For My Flap?

2011-06-07T21:43:00.001-07:00

You can try to charge more, but you'd better have a really spectacular flap.

The Sluttiest Parking Lot

2011-05-17T08:32:00.000-07:00

Great, now my car has chlamydia.

When a Kangaroo Loves a Woman

2011-05-09T08:56:00.000-07:00

SOMETIMES THEY DO IT KANGAROO-STYLE.

That's the subtext of this ad, right? Because the nice lady with the pretty hair is definitely getting serviced from behind by the plushie kangaroo.

I'm not criticizing this advertising strategy. I just think it limits the demographic appeal of the product.

To Be Perfectly Honest

2011-04-28T07:25:00.000-07:00

I WASN'T ALWAYS A PHARMACIST.

Get Your Shit Together, Sheep!

2011-04-26T08:34:00.001-07:00

There Are Good Memories And Bad Memories

2011-03-23T15:38:00.000-07:00

AND THEN THERE'S THIS.

I like to think that the copywriter who came up with that gem wrote it down, pushed back from his desk and then said, quietly to himself, "Nailed it!"

This Is NOT Charlie Sheen's Breakfast

2011-03-16T10:40:00.000-07:00

FOR OBVIOUS REASONS.

For An Original Glow

2011-03-12T09:37:00.000-08:00

ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES! When you need a glow, a glow you can TRUST. Go to the original.

Just Got Back From Costco

2011-03-11T17:15:00.000-08:00

I THOUGHT I'D STOCK UP on newborn babies. I got all different flavors.

Let me know if you need one, I've got plenty.

Better Than The Beatles

2011-03-03T13:24:00.000-08:00

IF WE ARE TO JUDGE THIS PERFORMANCE solely on the basis of the height of the waistband.

As my wife said, the pants "really accent his dingle-dangle."

Clearing Things Up

2010-11-15T13:43:00.001-08:00

I'M A LITTLE CONFUSED, so I hope it's okay to ask a simple question.

Is this how sex works?

Just a Suggestion

2010-11-13T12:04:00.000-08:00

THEY GO ESPECIALLY WELL with the bone-in ribeye and Chianti Classico you have ordered.

Career Cut Short By Giggling

2010-10-19T10:59:00.000-07:00

I AM ALWAYS FORGETTING WHAT MINE ARE FOR.

Some music historians would later argue that it was the unfortunate title of this album that kept the name Svetlana Gruebbersolvik from becoming a household name.

{via The Daily What}

Come For the Haircut, Stay for the VCRs

2010-10-17T18:30:00.000-07:00

WHAT'S BETTER THAN WATCHING SOMETHING ON YOUR VCR? Watching some VCRs!

SPOILER ALERT: Panasonic is best!

Grammar Are Important

2010-10-07T15:50:00.000-07:00

THE NEW YORK POST IS ALWAYS RIGHT.

Will your cell phone save your man life?

The Best Action Sequence Ever

2010-09-03T11:26:00.000-07:00

ATTENTION: HOLLYWOOD! You just got served!

Chair Shock!

2010-07-30T10:15:00.000-07:00

THE REAL MYSTERY IS what is he looking at?

Conan the Thespian

2010-07-24T11:27:00.001-07:00

FINALLY, THE CONAN MOVIE WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR.

Never Trust a Dolphin

2010-07-20T09:46:00.000-07:00

THIS HEADLINE CONFUSED ME.

I mean, I had always thought dolphins were such peaceful animals. But after hearing the taped phone conversations on Gawker, well, let's just say I was shocked.

The Mel Gibson Paradox

2010-07-15T09:58:00.000-07:00

SO YOU MEAN TO TELL ME that it's just a coincidence that Mel Gibson is on the cover with an article called "The Mel Gibson Nobody Knows" and in that same issue there's an article called "Civility Pays?"

No. This is not a coincidence. Obviously, someone has a time machine.

Some People Love Weather More Than Others

2010-07-08T22:35:00.000-07:00

YOU MAY WANT TO STAY INSIDE this weekend. The weather looks particularly big and angry.

"What's my FutureCast, Chet & Susie? Well, in the future, I predict I'm going to have a glowing human-sized boner. Also, governments will fall, animals will do my bidding, I will reign as supreme overlord and you will all be my minions. But, to be honest, what I'm most excited about is the boner."

Happy July 4th, Everybody!

2010-07-02T12:30:00.000-07:00

A LITTLE SOMETHING TO REMEMBER THIS WEEKEND.

The Unicorn Solution

2010-06-25T11:10:00.000-07:00

AFTER A LOT OF SEARCHING I finally found the perfect illustration for the troubles facing President Obama currently. Yes, the problems are complex and yes he is facing an uphill battle. But I believed that a well-trained graphic designer or artist could probably pull it all together in a simple, clear picture.

I was right.

Wow. That totally says it all, doesn't it?

The Truth About Magnum

2010-06-22T12:09:00.000-07:00

NOT THAT THIS SHOULD SURPRISE ANYONE.

World Cup Photo Update!

2010-06-18T12:16:00.000-07:00

NOW WITH MORE CUPPING!

Another Facebook Threat

2010-06-14T10:41:00.001-07:00

THIS AD APPEARED ON THE SIDE of my Facebook page today.

Naturally, I interpreted this as a threat that I was destined to die in Irvine. Which is a horrible, horrible thought. The ad below that one only upped the ante.

Sure. I see how you're gonna do it, Irvine Chamber of Commerce. Death by Chicken Sensation.

You're monsters. Cold, heartless monsters.

{NOTE: For those unfamiliar with Irvine, please substitute the name of your favorite suburban "utopia."}

Bear Attack!

2010-06-10T15:21:00.001-07:00

SAME THING HAPPENED to a friend of mine in West Hollywood.

{From this place via this place.}

It's All About the Washingtons

2010-06-08T13:06:00.000-07:00

THIS PICTURE CLEARLY PROVES that Sean "Puffy" Combs is still in touch with the common man.

He's just confused why there's a one dollar bill in his wallet and where the fuck it came from. In his defense, it does look like he's maybe at a Lakers game, in which case there really isn't anything at all he could use a one dollar bill for.

{Thanks, Augie.}

A Study in Contrasts

2010-06-07T11:19:00.000-07:00

IT'S OBVIOUS that the hot banker from Citibank who was fired for being too hot has hired a lawyer based solely on his ability to serve as a point of contrast to her hotness.

"And with her this morning is her lawyer. I don't know his name, but he is obviously half-man, half-toad. Welcome to both of you!"

Two additional things.

One: How many high-fives did the graphics department at CBS News slap after coming up with the "Sex and the Citi" graphic? At least twelve would be my guess.

Two: Listen to the "banker" speak. Listen to her words and sentences. Try to decipher not only what she is saying, but exactly what her accent is. Show your work.

Turn in your blue books at the front of the class and have a great summer!

Every Trick in the Book

2010-06-03T19:25:00.000-07:00

WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEMON-COLORED JACKETS... I guess you find another way to entertain yourself during the gig. Provided you are the drummer, that is.

{Don't blame me...blame Will.}

A Message to the Flowers

2010-05-25T17:15:00.000-07:00

FROM AN ADORABLE LITTLE GIRL...

More of the same can be found here.

{Moe found it.}

Clear Eyes, Steelheart, Can't Lose!

2010-04-30T09:29:00.000-07:00

DO YOU LOVE COFFEE, but feel like there's no coffee brand out there that really caters to you, to who you really are, I mean who you are in your heart of hearts? And is that secret self a water delivery guy by day but a slightly below average vocalist in a local blues-rock band that plays mostly cover tunes but is working pretty hard on a CD of original tunes by night? It is? Well, my friend, it's time I introduce you to Steelheart Coffee!

This little gem of a REAL PRODUCT punched me in the eyes at the grocery store this morning. I was hardly awake and had gone to the store specifically for coffee. And seeing this package, next to the three other equally mind-bending "flavors" from Steelheart, gave me the distinct feeling that I was still sleeping.

This package design is a trainwreck on so many levels it's hard to know where to start. Obviously I started with the "lead singer," but I could have just as easily started with the "Good 2B Alive." Firstly, why is it in quotes? Is this something someone famous said? And when they said it, did they specify that it was "2B" and not "to be," or "too bee" even? And why the change of color for the word "alive" and the end quote?

Oh my god!

The more I look at this package, the more I feel like I'm being transported back to 1988, but only the horrible parts of the decade. The "cool" font alone is nausea-inducing, and thank you, makers of Steelheart Coffee, for putting the copy in all-caps. That way I know that every word on the package is equally important. Also, it definitely makes it easier to read.

On the positive side, take another look at the "lead singer" guy! That fucker is good 2B alive, for sure! He's striding out of an Ed Hardy Jr. hellscape and into the day. Because of the microphone in his hand, I believe we are to assume he is on a stage. But I prefer to think of him as just striding down the street, pretending he's being filmed for a music video. The sun is shining and he's never felt more sure of himself.

How can he have such confidence? Is it his paler than pale torn jeans, his black tank top, his goatee? No. It's none of those things. It's his coffee.

Fuck yeah it is!

No Exercise or Fish Oils!

2010-04-29T08:40:00.000-07:00

PROOF THAT THE WORLD HASN'T CHANGED AT ALL in the last thirty years. Ladies are still trying to find ways to gain "welcome weight and keep it on."

You should listen to "actress" Linda Peck. She knows all about being popular. Personally, I think her best role was as "Giant Model" in Land of the Giants. Although a good case could be made for her uncredited turn as "Telethon Telephone Girl" in Valley of the Dolls.

Definite Article Problems

2010-04-28T10:15:00.000-07:00

THE L.A. TIMES WANTS TO KNOW SOMETHING. And it's probably been on everyone's minds.

So, what do you think? Do you agree that Kobe is like a arrogant movie star? Or is he more like a ordinary basketball player? It's an question that really needs to be answered.

A Message to Immigrants

2010-04-27T08:26:00.000-07:00

I THINK THIS ABOUT SUMS IT UP.

The Healing Powers of Hog Feces

2010-04-26T09:49:00.000-07:00

THIS IS THE KIND OF PERSON I AM. When I see the headline "Police find suspect neck-deep in liquid manure pit," I read the story.

The pit was filled with a combination of hog and dog feces, and the suspect had been there for at least an hour. Now, I'm sure this guy thought, "the cops will never look for me here." I'm sure he thought he was being an amazing criminal mastermind. Which only makes him more fantastic in my mind.

But what you really have to admire about this guy, other than his crippling meth addiction naturally, is his tenacity. After the cops found him in the feces pit [new band name alert!], he still became combative with them and had to be shocked twice with a stun gun. Twice.

So after an hour soaking in a pool of hog and dog feces, this guy's will was so indomitable he still fought back. That hour in the poo didn't dampen his spirit at all.

I have to think that there's a Trading Places type of movie that starts with this guy's story, then a modern day Don Ameche and Ralph Bellamy give each other a knowing look. And one of them says, "That's exactly the type of spirit we're missing at the executive level!" They clean up the meth addict and teach him how to manage the company, in a montage set to Fountains of Wayne's "Bright Future in Sales." For some reason Hector Elizondo is there tutoring him.

Our hero succeeds. (Of course!) But there's something missing, an emptiness he feels. And despite the fancy clothes, expensive cars and scads of money, he still spends nights in his penthouse apartment staring out the window and sighing deeply.

"What is it, baby?" asks one of his many prostitutes.

"Nothing," he says, forcing a smile. "Nothing at all. Now remind me, how much for a rusty trombone?"

"Usually $200," she smiles. "But you seem so sad tonight, how about this one's on me?"

He touches her face. "Thank you."

Then, the night of the big board meeting, the guy bolts from the room, in the middle of his presentation. He rushes out of the room, down the elevator and to his waiting limo.

"Take me to this address!" he shouts as he gives his driver a slip of paper.

"Yessir! Immediately, sir!" comes the reply.

Back in the boardroom it is chaos. The oldest, stodgiest board member harangues Don Ameche and Ralph Bellamy. "What have you gotten us into? We trusted this crazy experiment of yours! If he isn't back here in thirty minutes, I will have no recourse but to remove you both from the board of directors!"

"But our father started this company!" Don Ameche says.

Now it's a car chase! Don Ameche and Ralph Bellamy's limo chasing our hero's limo! But where are they going? Out of the city? What could possibly be way out here in the country?

"Oh no," Ralph Bellamy says. "He couldn't. He wouldn't."

But he is. Our hero's limo stops at a hog farm and he gets out, breathes deeply and smiles, for the first time in a long time.

The limo driver flinches a little at the smell, then asks, "Do you want me wait for you, sir?"

"No, you're free to go, Jenkin-Jeeves. Thank you for being such a good friend."

Our hero then walks, head held high, toward the feces pit. He strips off his tailored suit as he walks. He's smiling. A tear of joy in the corner of one eye.

Don Ameche and Ralph Bellamy's limo pulls up and they both get out and cover their noses and mouths with fancy silk handkerchiefs. "Why didn't you stop him?" they ask the limo driver.

"I don't know," Jenkin-Jeeves says. "He just looked so happy.

David Bowie's "Heroes" plays on the soundtrack as our hero, now stripped naked, marches into the feces pit. He stops once he's buried up to his neck. The camera pushes in on his face.

We know he's finally home.

The End.

Then, of course, the hilarious and obligatory outtakes as the credits run.

Exactly What The Beatles Had in Mind

2010-04-23T10:31:00.001-07:00

DON'T FORGET: you're an idiot who doesn't understand how to do simple tasks around the house without endangering yourself or others.

{from Dave}

File Under: Godzilla's Next Opponent

2010-04-22T11:00:00.000-07:00

I'LL SEE YOUR SNUGGIE, and I'll raise you a nightmare.

This is a product that takes the Snuggie/Slanket selling point of "keeping your hands free" and totally says fuck you to that in favor of letting you shamble around like the orange monster from the Bugs Bunny cartoons.

"Sure, having your arms free is nice...I guess. But look at how comfortable I am lying here on my back and crossing my legs! Take that, Snuggie!"

Of course, what we really need is the video of the guy on the floor trying to get up from his prone position without using his arms. Or even better, the video of the walking/shambling guy tripping and trying to keep himself from landing right on his kisser.

One positive thing about this product is how it serves a demographic totally ignored by both Snuggie and Slanket -- perverts who keep people confined in their basements.

Look How Photogenic You Are!

2010-04-21T08:19:00.000-07:00

I SAW A PICTURE OF YOU in the paper the other day. So I clipped it out.

I have to say. You look pretty good, all things considered.

Keep Ghostbusters Off Facebook

2010-04-20T08:33:00.000-07:00

AND I THINK WE ALL KNOW what I mean by "Ghostbusters."

Where Motorcycles Come From

2010-04-13T09:19:00.000-07:00

MOTORCYCLES AREN'T MADE...they're summoned!

And if you shave your mustache, your motorcycle turns back into a Segway.

That's Not a Headline

2010-04-12T15:43:00.000-07:00

THIS IS A HEADLINE.

Gentlemen of the Congo, please guard your bits accordingly.

Mascot Massacre Round Two

2010-03-20T12:15:00.000-07:00

SURE, LAUGH IF YOU MUST about my method, but I did accurately predict the Round One winners in the entire South Bracket. Also correctly foretold: Ohio over Georgetown, Murray State over Vanderbilt and Old Dominion over Notre Dame. Did I get some things wrong? Maybe I did. But that’s not the point, now is it?

The point is that we’re out of Round One now and into Round Two, and the carnage continues. Again, these are cage matches and only one side survives.

Let it BEGIN!!! Or...in this case, continue.

MIDWEST
Kansas Jayhawks vs. UNLV Runnin’ Rebels – The Rebels are rebellious and obviously fond of cross-country. But the Jayhawks are Civil War era guerilla fighters, who, I feel it’s worth repeating, are fighting on the right side of history. Who knows who the Rebels are rebelling against? Is it fair to assume they are rebelling against Abraham Lincoln? Of course it is. In which case, they are destined to be defeated.
WINNER: JAYHAWKS!

Michigan State Spartans vs. Houston Cougars – Until the Spartans face another armed foe, they kind of have a walk in the tournament.
WINNER: SPARTANS!

Tennessee Volunteers vs. Ohio Bobcats – The Bobcats had it easy in Round One, being pitted against a domesticated dog. This round they face an actual army. Okay, I’ll make it more fair this time. I’ll give the Bobcats handguns. Whoops! No opposable thumbs. Sorry li’l fellas.
WINNER: VOLUNTEERS!

Oklahoma State Cowboys vs. UC Santa Barbara Gauchos – Wow, cowboy versus cowboy! North America versus South America in a battle of silly hats! Since I’m American, I obviously believe our Cowboys are better than anyone else’s. Let's just hope they don't fall in love out there, because if that's the case, you know who wins? That's right, Paul Haggis.
WINNER: COWBOYS!

WEST
Vermont Catamounts vs. Florida State Seminoles – Another close call, but as with the Mountaineers above, what we’re talking about is a skilled hunter versus a wild animal. On the plus side, that cougar jacket will look nice at the Seminole Spring Formal.
WINNER: SEMINOLES!

UTEP Miners vs. Murray State Racers – The ponies got the nod last round when they were facing a bunch of Vic 20s. This round, however, their opponents are surly old men with pick-axes.
WINNER: MINERS!

Xavier Musketeers vs. Oakland Golden Grizzlies – The Musketeers’ swords and guns might have worked against the Mecha-Gophers from Minnesota. But these robotic opponents are about ten times that size.
WINNER: GOLDEN GRIZZLIES!

Florida Gators vs. Kansas State Wildcats – Wildcats are predators. They are quick and stealthy and capable of deadly speed. However, they are also what most Gators would call “snack-sized.”
WINNER: GATORS!

EAST
Kentucky Wildcats vs. Wake Forest Demon Deacons – Being non-magical, non-robotic, non-supernatural really hurts the Wildcats in this matchup. Obviously, hell-spawn creatures have a bit of an advantage in the tourney. Oh wait, don’t people often call the Wildcats the “Angelic Wildcats?” No? My bad.
WINNER: DEMON DEACONS!

Temple Owls vs. Wisconsin Badgers – Fur and feathers will fly in this close competition, and you have to ask yourself: Is it really an advantage to be able to fly? Also, that Tootsie Pop is more of a hindrance than a help.
WINNER: BADGERS!

Marquette Golden Eagles vs. Montana Grizzlies – Size is the advantage here. Even if I assume the Robo-Eagles have eyes that shoot lasers, which naturally I’m assuming, I still believe the gargantuan mass of the Grizzlies tips the scales in their favor.
WINNER: GRIZZLIES!

Missouri Tigers vs. West Virginia Mountaineers – After facing Bears in the previous round, the Mountaineers may be a little thrown by the non-native Tigers. But these are inbred hillbillies we’re talking about. One vicious animal is the same as another. They’re just another meal wrapped in fur.
WINNER: MOUNTAINEERS!

SOUTH
Duke Blue Devils vs. California Golden Bears – Hellbeast versus Mecha-Bear! This would be a pretty awesome match were it not for one thing: the melting temperature of gold.
WINNER: BLUE DEVILS!

Texas A&M Aggies vs. Purdue Boilermakers – Do you really want to start a fight with a bunch of iron-workers? You do? But you’re a bunch of agriculture students. You know, this might be why people don't think you're a very smart bunch of people. I'm just saying.
WINNER: BOILERMAKERS!

Old Dominion Monarchs vs. Baylor Bears – Old Dominion’s mascot is a lion with a crown on its head. While the crown offers Old Dominion zero advantage on the battlefield, you gotta give ‘em style points. I mean, not everyone can pull off wearing a crown, but that lion looks awesome in it! In an otherwise even match, the style points push it over the edge.
WINNER: MONARCHS!

St. Mary’s Gaels vs. Villanova Wildcats – Nothing about the Gaels implies that they are armed or schooled in the art of self-defense. As far as we know, these Gaels are a group of kindly senior citizens from Belfast. Or they are Oprah’s girlfriend. Either way, I think you might want to look away. It’s not gonna be pretty.
WINNER: WILDCATS!

Round One results.

Smell You Later

2010-03-19T10:58:00.000-07:00

I LIKE TO IMAGINE that advertising copywriters are repressed individuals who aren't trying to come up with clever copy so much as they are trying to clear their consciences of dark, dark secrets. Maybe I'm only thinking this recently because of the following ad I saw on the New York Times website.

Firstly, if you "love the smell of chair in the morning," you are a pervert. Let's just agree on that. Ordinary people don't go around smelling chairs. In my experience anyway.

That said, and understanding that this is a play on the Robert Duvall line from Apocalypse Now, why the morning specifically?

Wait, let me back up. Why choose that movie quote, out of all possible movie quotes? Obviously, it wasn't chosen because it made the most sense. Did "The chair? You can't handle the chair?" not have the right ring to it? I'd like to offer some other, equally sensible choices that I feel the advertisers at Hive rejected before settling on smelling a chair.

"Take your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty CHAIR."
"She's my daughter! She's my CHAIR! My daughter! My CHAIR! She's my CHAIR and my daughter."
"Frankly, my CHAIR, I don't give a damn!"
"Louis, I think this is the CHAIR of a beautiful friendship."
"I am SpartaCHAIR!"

I would have included, "We're gonna need a bigger CHAIR," but that makes way too much sense.

Maybe I'm missing the appeal of this though. I don't know anything about Hive. Maybe it's like the American Apparel of furniture stores. In which case, playing to the pervert crowd is smart.

March Mascot Madness 2010

2010-03-18T11:37:00.000-07:00

WE'VE ALL BEEN HERE BEFORE. In the early stages of March Madness, incurable as far as I know, and trying our best to predict the winner, hopefully for monetary gain. There are a lot of methods to arrive at this, but the one I prefer is to fill out my bracket according to how the mascots would fare in a cage match (standard North American rules).

I don’t want to brag too much, but when I last did it this way, I accurately chose the winner.

Let’s break it down, bracket by bracket, shall we?

MIDWEST
Kansas Jayhawks vs. Lehigh Mountain Hawks – In predicting the winners here, I will do my best not to favor the mascot of my alma mater, the overall #1 seed, which is not a bird actually but a Civil War guerilla fighter fighting for the freedom of slaves. What I’m saying is: KU’s mascot is named after an armed force that was totally on the right side of history. Can the same be said about you, ordinary hawk? No it can’t.
WINNER: JAYHAWKS!

UNLV Runnin’ Rebels vs. Northern Iowa Panthers – There are a lot of armed forces in this year’s bracket, but the Rebels are the only Runnin’ version. However, it isn’t their speed or the size of their fantastic mustachios that will really benefit them in this match. No, it’s the guns that will make the biggest difference.
WINNER: RUNNIN’ REBELS!

Michigan State Spartans vs. New Mexico State Aggies – Spartans are historically gifted fighters, favored in a fight even if they are outnumbered. On the other hand, Aggies are students who are studying agriculture. Oh Aggies, don’t you know, you never bring a lawn aerator to a sword fight.
WINNER: SPARTANS!

Maryland Terrapins vs. Houston Cougars – You know how Skittles have that crunchy candy coating outside but are soft and tangy on the inside. Me too. Oh, by the way, that’s exactly how a cougar describes a turtle.
WINNER: COUGARS!

Tennessee Volunteers vs. San Diego State Aztecs – Hmm, I wonder how an indigenous people would fare against an armed force from America? If only there were some historical precedent.
WINNER: VOLUNTEERS!

Georgetown Hoyas vs. Ohio Bobcats – No one really knows what a “Hoya” is, not even people who are proud to call themselves Hoyas. What we do know is that they are depicted as a bulldog. There’s no confusion about what a Bobcat is. Or how much more well-adapted to hunting prey it is compared to a domesticated dog.
WINNER: BOBCATS!

Oklahoma State Cowboys vs. Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets – Cowboys are rough and rugged men of the prairie who occasionally fall in love with each other, according to Hollywood anyway. Yellow jackets are a predatory wasp. Not being human-sized is a disadvantage in this confrontation, however.
WINNER: COWBOYS!

Ohio State Buckeyes vs. UC Santa Barbara Gauchos – If this were a confrontation written, directed and produced by M. Night Shyamalan, those Gauchos might have something to fear from a bunch of trees from Ohio. Of course, then the ending would still be some dumb twist you figured out from watching the trailer anyway and you’d have to swear to your wife you’d never take her to another one of his crappy movies ever again, even though you both really liked The Sixth Sense and Signs (kinda). What was I talking about? Oh right…
WINNER: GAUCHOS!

WEST
Syracuse Orange vs. Vermont Catamounts – One of the three colors in this year’s tournament, the Orange have a difficult task ahead of them. Not having a specific physical form, they don’t stand much chance against the sharp claws and gnashing teeth of the variant of the cougar from the Northeast. Unless, they aren’t the color but the fruit! Oh wait. That’s still not an advantage.
WINNER: CATAMOUNTS!

Gonzaga Bulldogs vs. Florida State Seminoles – Bulldogs, you are adorable. With your crazy faces and the slobbering and snoring. And you’re so friendly and trusting too! You might have noticed that I did not say “poison-tipped” or “razor-sharp.”
WINNER: SEMINOLES!

Butler Bulldogs vs. UTEP Miners – Oh boy. Those adorable Bulldogs have befriended someone else. Don’t follow them into the mine, puppies! Don’t do it!
WINNER: MINERS!

Vanderbilt Commodores vs. Murray State Racers – To be honest, I’ve always wanted to see a horse fight an obsolete computer. Nothing against the Commodore 64, it just smashes real good under the powerful forelocks of a thoroughbred. Also, I’m a big fan of stomping.
WINNER: RACERS!

Xavier Musketeers vs. Minnesota Golden Gophers – Let’s for a moment imagine that these are not ordinary Gophers some maniac has simply dipped in gold. What if these are gold-plated mecha-Gophers? What then, Musketeers? What would your answer be then, huh? Ah, I see. You’re putting away your sword in favor of your musket. Well played, sir.
WINNER: MUSKETEERS!

Pittsburgh Panthers vs. Oakland Golden Grizzlies – Now we’re talking! Now you’ve mechanized something fearsome. As if ordinary Grizzlies weren’t terrifying enough, now they’ve got shiny golden skin and red laser eyes! (I’m assuming.) I think even a Robo-Panther would have a tough time winning this one.
WINNER: GOLDEN GRIZZLIES!

BYU Cougars vs. Florida Gators – Now this is a fight where the home court advantage would really matter. It would be a no-brainer if the Cougars had to fight the Gators in the water. But on land, it’s a lot closer. Ultimately, I give the edge to the side with scaly armor, a thousand teeth and the coach who looks like the Marine in your unit who goes bananas and shoots up the place.
WINNER: GATORS!

Kansas State Wildcats vs. North Texas Mean Green – Seriously. Your mascot is a color? I feel like you’re just giving up, North Texas. Even if I imagine that your mascot is an Angry Salad, you still don’t stand a chance.
WINNER: WILDCATS!

EAST
Kentucky Wildcats vs. East Tennessee State Buccaneers – Normally, I would give the nod to the pirates. But a quick glance at a map shows me that these “pirates” aren’t really anywhere near an ocean. In fact, East Tennessee is mountainous. So, Buccaneers, I’m guessing you aren’t the brightest bulbs. Even with your cannons and swords, you’ll find a way to lose.
WINNER: WILDCATS!

Texas Longhorns vs. Wake Forest Demon Deacons – No matter how long your horns are, you’re still a steer. And your opponent hails from hell. That combination could mean only one thing. Barbecue for everyone!
WINNER: DEMON DEACONS!

Temple Owls vs. Cornell Big Red – After a little research, I discovered that Big Red was actually short for “The Big Red Team.” Which, coincidentally, is the answer to the question: What is a worse nickname than “Big Red?”
WINNER: OWLS!

Wisconsin Badgers vs. Wofford Terriers – It’s a battle of tenacity vs. tenacity. But I’m sorry, Wofford, I can’t help but think your name is based on a pun. I get it, WOOF-ord, I get it. Your wordplay will not save you against the curved claws and snapping jaws of the Badgers.
WINNER: BADGERS!

Marquette Golden Eagles vs. Washington Huskies – Mecha-Eagle vs. Sled Dog! It might as well be Wood Chipper vs. Six Week Old Puppy.
WINNER: GOLDEN EAGLES!

New Mexico Lobos vs. Montana Grizzlies – These two opponents are familiar with one another, frequently calling the same state park home. And it’s really sad to think of all of those Grizzlies every year who are attacked and killed by wolves. What’s that? That never happens? Oh right.
WINNER: GRIZZLIES!

Clemson Tigers vs. Missouri Tigers – Not since the Civil War have we seen a house divided in such a way. Brother against brother! But it’s so sad. When Tiger fights Tiger, does anyone really win? Yes, a Tiger wins.
WINNER: TIGERS!

West Virginia Mountaineers vs. Morgan State Bears – If you live in the mountains and don’t know how to handle yourself around a bear, well, you’re probably not really a “mountaineer.” You’re probably just a “weird guy who thinks he has a special connection with bears.” You know how that story ends, right? You don’t? Just ask Werner Herzog.
WINNER: MOUNTAINEERS!

SOUTH
Duke Blue Devils vs. Arkansas-Pine Bluff Golden Lions – Turning an already accomplished predator like a lion into a futuristic robot would, in most cases, assure a win. That is, unless the foe is a supernatural creature made of fire and evil.
WINNER: BLUE DEVILS!

California Golden Bears vs. Louisville Cardinals – No matter how angry you make your songbird mascot look, it’s still just a songbird. It’s still as dangerous and vicious as a songbird.
WINNER: GOLDEN BEARS!

Texas A&M Aggies (5) vs. Utah State Aggies – see Tigers vs. Tigers above.
WINNER: AGGIES!

Purdue Boilermakers vs. Siena Saints – You know what Step One in becoming a Saint is? Dying. Step Two is traditionally being dead for many many years. This does not bode well for Siena, in my opinion.
WINNER: BOILERMAKERS!

Notre Dame Fighting Irish vs. Old Dominion Monarchs – Let’s face it, the Irish will be too hungover on the day after St. Paddy’s Day to win this one.
WINNER: MONARCHS!

Baylor Bears vs. Sam Houston State Bearkats – Oh man, Bears vs. Bears! This one will be awesome! Oh wait a second. Bearkats? I’m assuming this is a combination of a bear and a meerkat. In which case, it is not an improvement on your standard issue Bear.
WINNER: BEARS!

Richmond Spiders vs. Saint Mary’s Gaels – Are they giant spiders? Made gargantuan by exposure to radioactivity or a strange meteorite from the deeps of space? No? Just spiders? Regular old spiders? And are the Gaels wearing shoes? Yes?
WINNER: GAELS!

Villanova Wildcats vs. Robert Morris Colonials – You know those people who churn butter and make tri-corner hats at those tourist traps across the country? Of course you do. You know what those people are called? That’s right: Nerds.
WINNER: WILDCATS!

Click here for Round Two!

Proof of Evolution

2010-03-13T10:52:00.000-08:00

First there was this.

Which, of course, led to this.

Does Almost None of the Things a Spider Can

2010-02-17T10:09:00.000-08:00

I'VE GOT A BAD FEELING about this new Spider-Man reboot.

Ugly Babies Need Not Apply

2010-02-11T15:18:00.000-08:00

TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT YOUR BABY and be honest with yourself (first and foremost) and then with us.

Because, seriously, if you send us a picture of a baby, and it is NOT a handsome baby, we can't be held responsible for what we might do. I know, I know, the contest is called a "Cute Baby Contest," but let's be realistic. Cute just doesn't cut it anymore. Tina Yothers was a cute baby and look how that worked out for her.

Right. Not good is what I'm saying.

So please, and I cannot emphasize this at all, HANDSOME BABIES ONLY. Is your baby George Clooney...only a baby? Perfect! Send us the picture! Do people call your baby McDreamy or McSteamy? Or did you just name your baby McSteamy in hopes that we would be fooled. If the former, great! You're exactly what we're looking for. If the latter, get a grip! Stop kidding yourself and stop lying to your baby. There's nothing sadder than an unattractive baby that thinks it's sexy just because his/her parents told it so. Nothing is sadder than that. Not even Haiti.

Also, do not waste our time. This is a national contest. The prize is $2,500! What I'm saying is, this is some serious-ass shit.

Okay, fair enough. The baby we chose for the Facebook ad wasn't the most handsome baby in the world. That's a totally legitimate criticism. It's just a really really cute baby. That's my bad. I'll take the fall for that one. I chose the photo. Mea. Culpa.

What? Is it my baby?

Come on, don't be ridiculous. My future babies are already more handsome than that, and they haven't even been born yet. If I had a baby it would win this contest, by a landslide. It would win the contest so mightily, the contest would probably have to shut down forever. So to answer your question, no, that is not my baby.

Per se.

Did I buy it from a "baby broker?" Maybe. Did I find it next to a sleeping woman on a cross-town bus? Look, that's beside the point. The point is, if your baby isn't Johnny Depp (again, the baby version) or like a baby swimsuit model, don't even bother.

Also, I know the ad says to send in a photo, but the best way to win this contest -- if you want a little Pro Tip -- is to send your baby in. By messenger, if possible. Although FedEx isn't bad, either.

And NO we're not just going to sell your baby for profit. That is a gross exaggeration. It's probably a lie even. We're not some fly-by-night Cute Baby Contest. We are a reputable, you know, whatever. We're trustworthy. For reals.

So send us your baby. Seriously. Do it now.

Oh yeah, and you'd think this would go without saying but apparently it doesn't: white babies only.

Free Pony Rides!

2010-02-04T14:05:00.000-08:00

FOR A LIMITED TIME, I am offering free pony rides.

Please keep in mind that I am unclear what a pony is.

Your Hump Day Ballad

2010-02-03T12:17:00.000-08:00

HIS NAME IS JIM SLONINA, and I'm pretty sure he's a genius.

Fun with Lip-Syncing - I Who Have Nothing - watch more funny videos

{via Ron F***ing Swanson}

Oscar (Knee) Jerk

2010-02-02T08:34:00.000-08:00

AFTER READING THE NOMINATIONS THIS MORNING, I wasted no time in predicting my winners...

BEST PICTURE -- Avatar Hollywood loves to congratulate itself. And what better way to do that than to give a Best Picture Oscar to the highest grossing film ever? Does Avatar deserve to be called "Best Picture"? Of course not. But since when is it standard for the actual best film to win?

BEST DIRECTOR -- Kathryn Bigelow Until she won the DGA award, I really thought her ex-husband was going to sweep this statuette up too. But Bigelow wins this year because of two things: Oscar voters love to "do the right thing", even if that means taking nearly a century to finally recognize a female director. And Oscar voters are sexist, by which I mean if The Hurt Locker wasn't a "dude film directed by a lady," Bigelow wouldn't even be mentioned. She had to show she could "direct like a man" before they'd take her seriously.

BEST ACTOR -- Jeff Bridges
BEST ACTRESS -- Sandra Bullock
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS -- Mo'Nique In the acting categories, the early awards really tell the tale.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR -- Christoph Waltz It's sad to think that this will likely be the only award that (easily) the best film of the year will take home on Oscar night. But there is no performance by ANYONE this year as amazing as Waltz's performance.

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE -- Up Pixar wins because...Pixar!

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM -- The White Ribbon Always bet on the Germans.

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY -- The Hurt Locker Inglourious Basterds should win, but for some reason it won't.

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY -- In The Loop It's an upset! People might think Up in the Air will win, but instead this movie that I haven't even seen will! Why do I think that? Mostly because I think Up in the Air is average at best! Hooray!

Let's see how I do.

Please keep in mind that I thought very little about this process, and neither should you. Seriously, don't we have better things to worry about these days?

And, yes, I'm talking about Tough Love and The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love.

An Old Vehicle But a Good One

2010-01-31T17:13:00.000-08:00

I NEVER KNEW THIS SONG WAS CALLED "VEHICLE."

Also, I didn't know there ever was a band called Ides of March. So how could I have possibly known that band was formed by the same guy who later went on to form Survivor and to write "Eye of the Tiger"?

Fine, I'll admit that I don't know what music is. Also, what are words?

The Breadsticks and the Chicken Wings

2010-01-30T15:50:00.000-08:00

THIS IS THE PHOTO THAT STARTED IT ALL. A photo taken in a gas station in glamorous Baker, California.

The gas station really is a magical place. You’ve heard all about the combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell? Well, this place is that and then some. It’s a combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell and Wing Street and A&W and TCBY and Subway and gas station and convenience store. If you ask me, it’s just a Long John Silver’s away from perfection. And it’s all in the shadow of world’s largest thermometer.

That illustration occupied a spot above the Pizza Hut counter, right next to the entrance to the bathrooms. It had been there for years, and the wife and I would see it every time we went to Vegas. At 90 miles west of Vegas, Baker is the perfect first pit stop on the trip home.

I always assumed the picture was of two breadsticks who were (obviously) best friends, and for whatever reason they were walking away from three chicken wings. Maybe they had hit on the prettiest chicken wing and were shot down? Maybe only the breadstick on the left hit on the chicken wings and the breadstick on the right was his wing man (ironic!). Hell, maybe the middle “chicken wing” was actually a breaded and friend pickle. It definitely looks more like a pickle than any part of a chicken.

Whatever the case, no one at the gas station has ever offered an explanation. Which is why I asked friends and strangers via Facebook, Twitter and Flickr what they thought it might represent. The results were pretty fantastic. Everyone agreed that the three things on the right were chicken. But people were divided on the couple on the left. Were they breadsticks? Churros? French fries? More chicken?

Our friend Glark saw the pair on the right as “strippers” who had shed their chicken parts. “Those are normal chicken pieces and when they get the courage to let their hair down they strip and become chicken strips.”

Most people assumed the picture was one of tragedy. Like my wife’s explanation: “The french fry on the right just cried three giant brown tears because the French fry on the left has leukemia.” Which was surprisingly similar to our friend Tara’s interpretation: “One churro just found out he has cancer, and his friend is comforting him. Also soy ‘chicken fingers’ are there?”

My friend Jared saw the “two walking and talking bread sticks” as Detectives Deborah and Dexter Morgan. Behind them lay the bodies of “three buffalo winged amputees,” victims of “a heinous crime, believed to be committed by a former member of the Green Berets.” Sadly, Deborah and Dexter were too late.

My nephew explained it like this: "Hey! Let’s use these giant chicken wings as shoes!" one bread stick says to the other. "But we have four feet, and there are only three chickenshoes." "Damn."

My friend Kath didn’t elaborate on the possible story because she was thrown off by the decision to anthropomorphize the French fries, “but the chicken nuggets-- which actually were alive at some point-- are inanimate objects,” she said. “The painter knew that if the nuggets were portrayed as alive, it would rip through that veneer of denial that lets us eat meat and they'd never sell another nugget. A happy dancing fry, on the other hand, is an appetizing treat.”

Sadly, the sign doesn’t exist anymore. It has since been replaced with a Pizza Hut/Wing Stop sign. But the owners of the gas station have added two new illustrations. One of an obviously carnivorous bear and his best friend, a hot dog superhero.

I kind of feel sorry for that hot dog who seems oblivious to the fact that the bear is eating a hamburger and, therefore, his very life might be in danger.

The other picture is of a line of suicidal fruits rushing to sacrifice themselves to be part of a TCBY smoothie.

Look how enthusiastically the strawberry is diving into blender. And the banana is giving a wave, like “Look, ma! I’m gonna be in smoothies!”

How It's Done: News Reporting

2010-01-28T13:57:00.000-08:00

ACCURACY IS EVERYTHING in news reporting. And even more so in making fun of news reporting.

Hail to the Chief?

2010-01-07T10:13:00.000-08:00

I HAVE BEEN GONE FOR A WHILE, I know. An explanation is coming shortly. It's a very strange story, I promise.

In the meantime, please understand that this is not a picture of Barack Obama. Except that it is.

For more amazing paintings of our president, please visit badpaintingsofbarackobama.com.

{Via Moe}

What Does Freedom Look Like?

2009-11-07T10:27:00.000-08:00

FREEDOM LOOKS LIKE THIS!

Well...duh!

If you need more convincing, go here.

Thank You For Helping Us Laugh AND Learn, Hollywood

2009-11-05T15:00:00.000-08:00

HELLO, MR. OSCAR? I think I have your next Best Picture!

Thank you, again, Videogum!

The Traditional Dance of My People

2009-10-30T08:33:00.001-07:00

HAPPY HALLOWEEN, EVERYBODY! Now go wash your eyes.

Thank you, Videogum!

The Perfect Storm

2009-10-14T13:12:00.000-07:00

IF YOU DON'T LIVE IN LOS ANGELES, then maybe you don't know what it's like to live through a rain storm in Los Angeles. This video might help you understand how we react to inclement weather.

Olde Tyme Dating

2009-09-24T09:04:00.000-07:00

HERE ARE SOME CLASSIC VIDEO DATING TAPES from the '80s. Please enjoy! Also, for fun, try to pick out the non-serial killer in the montage. (HINT: There is only one.)

Yatta Explained

2009-09-18T10:30:00.000-07:00

IF YOU'VE EVER WONDERED what Hiro from "Heroes" was talking about when he yelled, "Yatta!" Then I think this video might help you.

Of course, sometimes the answer only raises more questions.

The lyrics are hilariously positive and include such gems as:

We're doin' great in college!
Made president at our jobs!

And...

Long as we've one leaf on, we're doin' fine!
We're all together, it's a happy time!

And...

I drink water that's tasty! "Alright!"
I get in the sun and feel toasty! "Alright!"
Havin' a belly laugh's fun! "Alright! Alright!"
Try keeping dogs--they're cute! "Alright!"

So true...so true.

{Thanks to my nephew Joe for the links.}

Gus Porter

2009-09-04T18:48:00.000-07:00

HE REALLY IS A TRUE AMERICAN HERO.

Gus Porter, American Legend with Thomas Haden Church from Thomas Haden Church

Great Moments in Advertising

2009-09-01T11:35:00.001-07:00

DO YOUR LADYPARTS STANK? (Hint: The answer is always yes!)

The headline asks that age-old question: "Is a wife to blame, if she doesn't know?" What's this ad about? How to cook? How to behave in the sack? How to change the oil? No! Sadly, what is being discussed is the cleanliness of a lady's vagina.

The first paragraph answers the headline with: "Yes! She's decidedly to blame. Because in this age of enlightenment and frankness there's no excuse for ignorance of facts on proper intimate feminine cleanliness which often can mean so much to womanly charm, health and happiness. There's no excuse for ignorance of what to put in her douche."

Wow. the husband's expression says it all. It says, "Something is horribly wrong with your vagina! I'm going back to the office, and my secretary's more hospitable ladyparts! When I get back -- if I get back -- your pleasure-palace better be clean enough to eat off of...not that I'd do that, naturally. Because that is disgusting and barbaric!

And Now...Throbber!

2009-08-23T19:59:00.000-07:00

THERE'S GREAT STUFF ON THE INTERWEBS... and then there's this. It's a parody (?), I guess, of the Michael Jackson "Thriller" video. Only it's mall ladies instead of zombies. There doesn't really seem to be a point here, other than to showcase the awesome comedic acting of the male lead.

Just exactly why it's called "Throbber" I have no idea. And we may never know. Ever. I mean, this video was made in the '80s. That's like a million years ago. All of the people involved are probably dead and buried by now.

Cookie Tree

2009-08-17T16:04:00.000-07:00

NO MYSTERY HERE... It's obviously the Keebler cookie tree.

I mean...obviously.

Set Your DVRs!

2009-08-14T10:01:00.000-07:00

SEASON 3 KICKS OFF THIS SUNDAY!

But, seriously, don't miss it. Because it's a great show.

Also, go see the other "Truthful TV Title Cards" Glark created here.

Did You Have Your Baby in St. Tropez?

2009-08-13T09:47:00.000-07:00

AHH, THE GOOD OLD DAYS! When mothers would cook their babies a little every day.

From the Office of Ben Dover

2009-08-03T16:55:00.001-07:00

I FOUND THIS ON BY GOOGLING "NECK PAIN."

I love that someone is suggesting this as a great "office back exercise." Sure, do it in your office. Just don't don't be surprised when your co-workers file reports with HR.

Seriously Though, Yogi Okie Dokie

2009-08-03T09:13:00.000-07:00

EVERYONE'S EXPERIENCE IS DIFFERENT. But for me, the discomfort with this video starts with the mom jeans.

{were it not for Nick, I would not be hosting this nightmare}

How To Improve Old Videos!

2009-08-01T10:36:00.000-07:00

THIS SHIT NEVER STOPS BEING FUNNY TO ME.

{thanks to Greg Levine for this one}

But, by far, this one is still my favorite.

With a special place in my heart for this "Creed + crickets = hilarious" video.

Shake Shake Shake!

2009-07-30T13:35:00.000-07:00

YOU CANNOT PARODY THIS. Because it is already hilarious.

They decided to forgo the catch phrase, "Jerk the weight off in just six minutes!"

{from Videogum}

The Tragedy of Recurrent Baldness

2009-07-24T09:21:00.000-07:00

DO YOU REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME JEREMY PIVEN WENT BALD?

We were all so innocent then!

Baby Care 101

2009-07-23T08:52:00.000-07:00

MANY PEOPLE, EVERY DAY, ASK ME ONE QUESTION: How does one properly dry a baby? This may seem like a weird question, since I do not have a baby (well, at least one that is legally mine), until you realize that I am a well-known baby care expert. I even have a degree (from the University of Phoenix) that says so.

Anyway, drying a baby can be tricky, but here's a handy visual aid to help you remember the do's and do-not-do's of baby drying.

You're welcome.

Where the G Stands for Whaaaa?

2009-07-16T16:04:00.000-07:00

THIS REALLY MAKES NO SENSE.

Guinea Pigs aren't big heroes. They're small. So, I guess they're going for irony here and I don't get it? I'm not ruling that out, you understand. Um, it just doesn't seem funny. It sort of reads to me like, "The world needs bigger heroes...like Autobots, for instance. Unfortunately, in this movie all you get are rodents. Sorry! We hope you think they're cute anyway!"

Hmmm.

Yeah. It doesn't quite work for me.

Shark Attack!

2009-07-12T16:55:00.000-07:00

HOLY CRAP, EVERYBODY! TIGER SHARK!

Hair Today

2009-07-09T11:35:00.000-07:00

THIS IS NOT RIDICULOUS.

Just so you know.

The Super Broker Shuffle

2009-07-08T09:21:00.000-07:00

IN 1985, THE CHICAGO BEARS WON THE SUPER BOWL. They did it with a combination of teamwork and effort and skill and luck. But everyone knows they only won the Super Bowl that year, because of the song they recorded during the season, "The Super Bowl Shuffle."

The song was hugely popular, climbing all the way to #41 on the Billboard charts and even getting nominated for a Grammy. Seriously. A Grammy. For best Best Rhythm & Blues Vocal Performance—Duo or Group. Amazing. Anyway, it turns out the song and video were much more popular than I knew, because it inspired this imitator -- The Southern Food Brokerage Super Broker Shuffle.

Take it away, nerds!

And in case you are unfamiliar with the song that inspired this. Here it is, in all its glory: The Super Bowl Shuffle.

Special props to Henry Vick for giving me the heads up.

File Under: Corporate Speak

2009-07-05T09:08:00.000-07:00

IN A TRAGIC TURN OF EVENTS LAST NIGHT, a monorail train at Disney World crashed into another monorail train, killing the driver. It's horrible news, which was handled with an appropriate amount of sensitivity, by Mike Griffin, Disney's vice president for public affairs. Oh wait! I meant lack of sensitivity!

"Today we mourn the loss of our fellow cast member," read the statement from Griffin.

Seriously? Cast member?

A man was just killed on your monorail? Do you really have to insist upon using your corporate-decreed euphemism for "employee"? I know, in the make-believe world of your theme park, it is important to refer to employees as cast members. I'm sure you've had meetings and sent out memos about it. I'm sure there have been discussions even about whether or not it should be hyphenated. (Apparently, it should not be.) Managers are probably reprimanded if they say "employee" instead of "cast member".

I mean, seriously. Cast member! In a public statement of mourning!

That's a whole new level of douchebaggery. So congratulations to you Mike Griffin, and also to you Disney World, you guys are awesome!

Maybe Just Hum It Instead

2009-07-02T15:34:00.000-07:00

WOULD YOU ALL PLEASE RISE? As we honor America with this approximation of the national anthem.

And he butchered "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" even worse.

{from Lisanti}

Watch Where You Put Your Probe Fingers

2009-07-01T09:12:00.000-07:00

IT'S KIND OF A PERFECT STORM SITUATION. I mean, any headline that begins "Probe Fingers" is already worth a chuckle. But when you add American Apparel and a picture of underwear. Underwear, AP? Really? Well that, my friends, is genius.

We all had heard how sexual harassment was rampant at American Apparel. But I had no idea that nearly two thousand workers had been subjected to "probe fingers." Glad the government is all over this.

America's Favorite Cube!

2009-06-30T13:04:00.000-07:00

THIS WILL BE MICHAEL BAY'S NEXT BIG MOVIE. Provided he only draws inspiration from crappy Saturday morning cartoons from the '80s.

I think my favorite part about this cartoon is this: When faced with the problem of turning the Rubik's Cube into a "leading man", the designers locked themselves in a room with the promise that they "would not come out until they had come up with a clever way to make an ordinary cube cuddly and adorable." But after five minutes of that nonsense they just decided to slap arms and legs and a face borrowed from a Troll Doll on the cube and call it a weekend. I mean, seriously, what's the fucking point, right?

{Thank you, Topless Robot.}

You Heard the Ladies, Lord

2009-06-29T15:57:00.000-07:00

TWO WORDS COME TO MIND. Super sexy.

(from here)

Cool Bands Made Un-Cool

2009-06-24T16:21:00.000-07:00

YESTERDAY, SOMEONE STARTED AN AWESOME THREAD on Twitter called "cool bands made un-cool." And it involved making slight changes to bands names. I have compiled my favorites below. Some are mine. Others are from David Iserson, Mark Lisanti, John Moe, Matt Fraction, Dave Holmes, Steve Agee and someone known as Seantroversy.

Not included in the list below are two bands -- Kansas and Bread -- whose names were deemed already so deeply uncool, there was nothing you could do to make them more uncool.

Here it is (in no particular order):

Emerson, Lake & Palm Pilot

Supertrump

Radioneck

Rodeohead

The Beatless

Goodfinger

The Less Than Average White Band

Peter’s Baby Bjorn & John

Electric Blanket Orchestra

Mike, The Mechanic

Fountains of Wayne Rogers

Fountains of Dwayne Wayne

The Stationary Wilburys

Metallic A

R.E.M. Speedwagon

Los Hobos

Some Doubt

Available Cab for Cutie

Expensive Trick

We Are Economists

Cat Lady Power

Bob Jovi

Food Fighters

Flu Fighters

Carving Pumpkins

Method Guy & Red Gentleman

Dinosaur Sr.

Ironing & Whining

Some Old Pornographers

Yeastie Boys

Harvey Cautious

Dennis Franz Ferdinand

The Whom

The When

Pear Jam

50 Scent

Walk DMC

Wilcompany

Fire-Retardant Lips

And You Will Know Us By The "Cathy" Tacked To Our Cubicle Wall

Guided by Good Choices

The Damones

Braggy Mouse

Cannibal Copse

Megabeth

Motortoes

Mauve Floyd

Ironing Maiden

Craftwork

Fleetwood PC

Kings of Leon Pannetta

Yo Tengo Acne Horible

Teenage Dr. Who Fanclub

Tears for Fears of Intimacy

Jefferson Airplane Food

Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders From Morristown, NJ

The Cure for My Pollen Allergy

Big Star Wars Fans

A Suburb Just Outside of Boston

Lizzy, Who Has a Very Pretty Face and a Nice Personality

Garfunkel & Another Guy Also Named Garfunkel

Hot Robot on Robot Action!

2009-06-24T07:24:00.001-07:00

MY FAVORITE QUOTES FROM "TRANSFORMERS 2" REVIEWS... I really feel like Michael Bay has the power to unite us as a country and focus us on one task: crafting hilarious quips about his movies. Here's the best so far.

Critics blithely refer to movies as "painful" all the time, but this is the real deal. -- Eugene Novikov, AMCtv.com

Michael Bay has once again transformed garbage into something resembling a film, at least in the loosest sense: it can be run through a projector and used to sell millions of tickets. --Jeffrey M. Anderson, Combustible Celluloid

So what if he can’t put a coherent series of shots together? Bay’s going for pure sensation, and everyone knows dramatic continuity is for women and the weak. --Ty Burr, Boston Globe

...like listening to rocks in a clothes dryer for 2½ hours. --Michael Phillips, Chicago Tribune

Instead of seeing Transformers, I'm going to pay two tall hobos in toy robot helmets to swing sacks of discarded electronics at each other. --Mark Lisanti, from Twitter

Engelish Onely

2009-06-22T16:42:00.001-07:00

OF COURSE, THE OBVIOUS PROBLEM with the "English-only" movement is that most of them can hardly speak the one language they think everyone should speak. And there's no better proof of it than this photo.

Yep, that's Pat Buchanan and some douchey guy who runs a racist website, standing in front of a banner for the new "National Conferenece". Which I suppose is pronounced con-fer-EN-ess-ee. Although there are probably variants.

I Don't Know What This Is

2009-06-22T16:30:00.000-07:00

PLEASE LEAVE YOUR EXPLANATIONS in the comments section.

Don't blame me. Blame David.

The Sentimentalist

2009-06-18T14:58:00.000-07:00

FINALLY, A NETWORK TV SHOW ABOUT A QUIRKY DETECTIVE!

The Sentimentalist - watch more funny videos

Putting the P Into Merchandising

2009-06-16T15:29:00.000-07:00

NOT THAT I HAVE HIGH EXPECTATIONS when it comes to Kiss bassist Gene Simmons. This is a guy who is so shameless in his self-promotion that he sells Kiss coffins -- under the name Kiss Kasket, naturally. Also, Kiss Kondoms, Kiss Kamping gear and a Kiss Checkers set.

But as part of the promotion for the A&E series Gene Simmons' Family Jewels, there are urinal cakes out there with Gene's face on them. And they talk when they're hit with a stream of urine. I'm assuming they say something like, "Please stop peeing on my face. It's degrading. Please. I beg of you!"

The cakes are such a hit with fans that many are being stolen from urinals.

Adding a punch line here would seem redundant, right?

Re: Believing, and When to Stop

2009-06-15T16:12:00.000-07:00

AND NOW...I WILL MELT YOUR COLD, BLACK HEARTS.

Rather, the kids of PS22 will do it. With a little help from Journey.

We Destroy What We Love

2009-06-11T15:12:00.000-07:00

WHAT GOD WOULD LET THIS HAPPEN? The question isn't "Why are innocent MILFs being pounded?" The question is "Why are the MILFs being pounded with rockets?"

I'm also assuming that by "MILF lairs" they mean "Olive Gardens and Outback Steakhouses."

(via HuffPo)

The O.C.'s Finest

2009-06-10T09:34:00.000-07:00

WHO ARE THE TWO FUNNIEST PEOPLE in all of Orange County? Sky & Nancy Collins, of course.

Sex Bomb

2009-06-02T15:25:00.000-07:00

A TRUE STORY! Police in Syracuse, New York, cleared the Clinton Square area of downtown Syracuse today after discovering a suspicious box left at the base of the park's Civil War monument. Witnesses saw two men leave the box at the monument and walk away. Bomb disposal experts examined it and found it to be harmless, as it turned out to be a metal "Sex and the City" trivia game, very much like this one.

Here are my jokes.

...AFTER FINDING OUT it was just a Sex and the City trivia game, the bomb squad detonated it anyway.
...SAID A SPOKESMAN for the Syracuse police department, "Leaving that game on the monument steps was soooo Samantha!"
...POLICE JUSTIFIED their extreme caution, saying, "When you hear that two men were seen playing a Sex & the City trivia game, it's natural to think that something suspicious is going on."
...IT WAS THE BIGGEST threat to downtown Syracuse since the Hungry Hungry Hippo scare of '72.

What Love Is...

2009-06-02T10:04:00.000-07:00

LAST NIGHT ON THE BACHELOR, one of the guys said to the camera, in explanation of where his head was at romance-wise, "Yeah, I am looking for that mythical unicorn."

And, later, the Bachelorette said, rather wistfully as she was totally not into that guy, "I wish I could be that unicorn he is looking for."

So, apparently, this is what love looks like:

In which case, no thank you. I do not want this "love" you speak of.

Nimoy-Tolkien Friday

2009-05-29T15:32:00.000-07:00

REGULAR FOLLOWERS OF THIS BLOG KNOW that every Friday, I try to post something that is related to either the career of Leonard Nimoy or the writings of J.R.R. Tolkien. It's just a tradition here at the DrakesCakes.

Well, this Friday is particularly special, because I finally get to marry the two. So, kick off your weekend right with Leonard Nimoy's hit song, "The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins."

A Kentucky Surprise!

2009-05-28T22:11:00.000-07:00

WHAT CRITERIA DO I USE TO DECIDE what goes on this blog and what does not? Well, it may surprise you to discover that I actually choose NOT to put some things on here.

It's true.

But this ad just begged for inclusion.

Even if it wasn't for a shooting range. Even if it just had the sexy preggo lady in her underwear and veil. Even then, I think I would have put it up. (Just so I have a companion piece for this post.) But as it is, it's really the perfect storm of awesomeness. It's from Kentucky. It's from an apparently popular bachelor/ette party destination. And it tries to have fun with the concept of "shotgun weddings" by basically saying you can really include a shotgun in your wedding! Or at least in your bachelor/ette party!

Oh fun!

Here's another soothing image from the Open Range web site.

Fuck yeah! You're right! I am about to throw the party of the year! It's a murder party! Oh shit yeah! Please make sure you RSVP, I put a deposit on the room. And those people are real dicks about refunds.

Thank you.

Mustache Rides!

2009-05-28T09:22:00.000-07:00

DO YOU THINK YOU INVENTED THE COOLEST THING EVER? Well, you didn't. Because you didn't invent this.

Nice try, but you only get the silver medal in awesomeness.

(from here)

It's Telly Wednesday!

2009-05-27T10:54:00.000-07:00

IT'S WEDNESDAY, AND THAT MEANS IT'S TIME for Telly Savalas to serenade you.

Trust me. You're not ready for this.

Please Stop Terrorism

2009-05-25T16:49:00.000-07:00

BY BUYING THIS GUITAR, you will not only combat terrorism...you will defeat it. With rock. And balls. And tasty riffage. But mostly balls.

It is on eBay. It is called the "9/11 Tribute Guitar." And I don't care what you say, there is nothing tasteless about it.

Thanks to Eric for the heads up.

UPDATE! The inscription on the guitar does not read "Unite to Defeat Terrorism." Instead it says "Unite to DEFAT Terrorism." Genius!